Hi De & Jo, I remember the night George died I was in bed and I could hear a tapping coming from inside George’s wardrobe. I had never heard it before and not since, it sounded like a bird trying to get out but it obviously wasn’t. I also heard his voice call my name one night and a flash of light seemed to shoot across the bedroom. A couple of times I have really felt he has come to give me a kiss when I am in bed, I really feel his presence. My biggest thing is feathers. I have a little dog Poppy who is just over 2 years old who I walk quite a bit. Before we go out, and especially if I feel low, I ask George to show me some feathers to prove to me he is still with me. Some times I see a few but sometimes I see so many I end up laughing and say to George ok you have proved your point. George’s hair had gone grey but he always had a dark patch at the back of his head that did not change colour. When the undertaker cut me some locks of his hair, they were all different colours. I love it when I see a feather that is dark at the bottom and then goes lighter grey and almost white towards the top because they are definitely from George to remind me of his hair. I always collect them ones and have them around the house. I talk to George all of the time, it is the most natural thing to do. I know he would not expect anything less. He would also tell me off for crying so much over him, but he knew how much I loved him, he used to say I loved him too much!! Stupid things worry me though, like George was married before and his wife died. What if I get to heaven and he is back with his previous wife, how can I worry about things like that but I do, I just cannot bear the thought!! xxx
I keep thinking OK get a grip. Ive bought a new motorbike and think OK Steve, Denise would want you to live go live enjoy. I looked at riding to Spain but when it comes to it I can’t even get to our local pub without breaking down and going home.
Hi Deb what a lovely thing with the feathers xx George wont be with his first wife at all thats the past he will be looking after you and watching you and waiting for you and when the time is right he will fetch you and you will be together again i truly believe that He is with you and he always will be please get it out of you head about his first wife she wont be in his thoughts so shouldnt be in yours here if you need me love jo xx i know Darrell is with me i can feel him xx
Dear Jo. For you is so early,! Very sorry. I sm ei8gh you. You sound so convinced. Thank you.x
I feel so guilty. A couple of scaring days/weeks when we were given the early news, neither of us wanted to think the worse, neigher we had the time to crasp what everything meant. I remember my husband telling me before he went to hospital : “i have no intention to leave you” also me saying " forgive me if i ever upset you" no other conversation i recall. although we did talked , I only remember the sad sequence of events, days times… I know he is gone, i was with him during his last moments but i was numb, completely numb almost as if i was in control and composed, but i was in a surreal situation… it was only in my mind… gosh i wish i would asked him loud and clear, not to leave me ! ,
And tell him that i couldnt live without him but i think all i said repeatitly was i love you…
I hope he can tell me that that was alright… cant wait to hear from him xx
Thanks Jo
Sorry had one eye open ……I am with you…
Dear Debra thank you for sharing George’s attempts to contact you and what you do also to communicate with him. . I may not be concentrating enough and my darling husband is trying hard to contacting me. lets see.
with regards to your fears don’t! if his first wife was his present in his last days you would not have met. so …… trust your love.
take care xxx
hi De he heard you he knew you couldnt be without him thats why he is at your side have you got something of his that you can keep on you? talk to him he will answer you in some way and you will know exactly what he wants to say xx here if you need me xx love jo xx
Jo, I think exactly the same as you. If Brian knows how I’m hurting why isn’t he helping me. He promised he would always love me and be looking after me still. I want to scream at him sometimes to do something. I have also heard Brian call my name. It was his voice and exactly the way he would call up the stairs to me. I was wide awake and like you shouted back to him. Regarding prayer. I prayed for years. Not going to church just going into churches. Everyday for the last ten years I thanked god for another day with my Brian usually as I walked the dogs. I did ask for the guidance and strength to do the right things. After Brian died I just couldn’t pray. I felt let down, deserted. Slowly I have started again. Now I pray for all of us and I ask to be guided in the right direction because I have no idea where I’m going at the moment. I went into church today and slowly regaining my faith again.
Hello Stevie, I’ve had one of those days today. After a walk with the dogs this morning when I was quite good. I made the mistake of going into town and went to the gym. We always met up after I had finished and it hit home that he wasn’t going to meet me in the square. So that set me off and I struggled to do the shopping wanting to have a good cry. To make it worse I saw some people we know for the first time since Brian died and they hardly spoke to me, when usually they was over the top, usually loud and embarrassing. Made me feel even worse. Maddening isn’t it when you want to do things and then find yourself struggling. So your not alone and I’m sure we will get there. Take care on that new motorbike and do what you feel up to and perhaps Spain will come when your ready. You will know.
hi pattidot im so glad that you are finding comfort xxx sleep well take care sending love jo xx
Dear Jo thanks for your kind words. i m going through bad days. Its just so hard. I prayed so intensively for my darling to get better, i couldn’t possibly imagine the worse and i didn’t want him in any pain either. All was so soon and so fast that i can only imagine to be a mistake. I am so scared of the future without him. the indescribable pain we all have… i want to hold my heart in my hands (believing its my darling), and give a warm cuddle to make it better. i wish i could find the right word to say to people how i feel. I think i am now two people the one that talks to anyone with some sense and reality and the other when on my own cry in such a desperation that scares me sometimes this pain is so intensively personal isn’t it! so glad we can express this in this forum. we can be sure that every feeling is understood because we are going through the same journey.
take care and thank you. with a big hug xxx
De I think we are all the same. I’m defiantly a different person than I was 6 months ago. I had a real smile not a false one. Xxx
Thank you so much. I am sure that the day i trully see myself smiling at something big ir small i know that there will be a light at the end of my tunnel.
My husband was everything to me and my reason too
Xx De
I am finding myself beginning to smile more about things George used to do (or not do) or sayings he used. What I really struggle with is when I think of places we have visited, holidays we have been on etc., things that we will never do again. I never really travelled before I married George but he loved travelling and opened up a whole new world to me which we enjoyed together. We had just come back from travelling around Northern Spain when he became ill at the end of September. I cannot believe we will never do that again or even just go for a meal or a cup of coffee. I am devastated just writing this - why, why us??
Dear Deb vty sorry. I know its not fair at all. My husband too introduced me to Hill and coastal walks. Also travel as much as we could he was always planning. Now that will stop for me. He was the driver showing me every UK corner . Gone now. I couldn’t go to those places again it will never be the same. Lakes, peak district …
We just arrived from Japan mid October and gone in November. Why why.
Its not fair . I woukd like to say that we need to be stron, that they want us to continue . But can we?
Take care xx
The places are the same, I can vouch for that. They just look different because we are different. I don’t think we will ever reach a point where we are in any way similar to the person we were. Maybe we will reach a point where we feel a bit more comfortable with things we used to do but they can never feel the same or look the same.
I’ve found that pushing myself to do things can work in a functional way, just to say I did it. If I repeat it often enough I believe my perception changes a little, and then a bit more. It’s trying to manufacture a new reality, and I mean manufacture. Trying to convince the brain rather than pretending.
It’s a laborious task with no immediate rewards but I think it’s worth sticking at. We have to keep afloat.
Dear Deb vty sorry. I know its not fair at all. My husband too introduced me to Hill and coastal walks. Also travel as much as we could he was always planning. Now that will stop for me. He was the driver showing me every UK corner . Gone now. I couldn’t go to those places again it will never be the same. Lakes, peak district …
We just arrived from Japan mid October and gone in November. Why why.
Its not fair . I woukd like to say that we need to be stron, that they want us to continue . But can we?
Take care xx
Thanks YorkshireLad. I am sure i will get there. At the moment I feel vunerable because my self rational have been hurt badly. Then i will fight for him (hospital complaint coming), and will recover the missing part of my own existance that i can’t find. Though the part that my husband took with him will always be missing.
Have a good week ahead and keep writing your words make me think with my head (what’s left at the moment) not only with my heart and keep going the survival route.
Hi jo, I’m Rebecca and I’m new here.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Like you that’s all I keep asking is why my jimmy, why him, he never did anything to deserve this he was my whole world. He passed away on the 15th December 2018, we did everything together and now I’m completely devastated and lost without him. It’s just so unfair to all of us.
hi Rebecca im sorry to hear about your Jimmy, thank you for messaging me . Darrell and myself did everything together and have for the last 26 years we were inseperable he suffered a massive electrocution in 1993 which left him unable to work in 2000 i decided to finish work and look after him full time without relying on family while i was at work as family were getting older and had there own issues then january 2018 he was struck down with motor neurone disease which then paralysed him we had no carers in it was our choice Darrell was a very private man so i did all of his care 24/7 including repositioning him every 3 hours during the night our son who is 17 lives at home as hes at college so if there was any heaving lifting he would help and has been amazing then on 20 january 2019 it took him and i did cpr to keep him going until my son and daughter who lives a couple of miles away could say goodbye the ambulance took over . i feel so lost and so alone even though my son is here its not the same i just dont know what to do and other than people on here nobody understands what we are going through… had a few unusual things happen that makes me think Darrell is still here. i have his ashes here and talk to him all the time we were always talking never watched anything on the telly right the way through without talking xx feel empty xx take care and sending you my love jo xxx