I’ve lost my partner he commuted suicide . I knew he had depression but though was coping. He told me everyday how lucky he was and how much he loved me . So why

So very very sorry that you lost your partner. He wasn’t lying to you when he said how lucky he was and how much he loved you, it was just that whatever demons he was fighting managed to get the upper hand for just long enough. No doubt there were reasons in his past, perhaps linked with present difficulties, that overwhelmed him, perhaps even he would not properly understand why. Many people contemplate suicide sometimes thinking the world or a particular person would be better off without them but manage, often through luck, not to take the final step.

It would be a good idea to contact Priscilla, the Community Manager, direct who will have information about and links to sites and organisations that can directly help you. Hopefully there will be others on this site who have more immediate experience and comfort you better. Take care of yourself, thinking of you.

Hello @Lostalone, I’m so very sorry for your loss. @AlanMinster has written a lovely reply, suicide is something no one can truly understand and those left behind are always left wondering why, you’re not alone.

You might find this website helpful http://uk-sobs.org.uk/ as they have some local support groups and also have a helpline open 9am-9pm daily 0300 111 5065.

I hope you find some support through this difficult time.

My husband died of suicide too. I keep asking why too. I keep thinking about old conversations to see if there’s anything I missed or should have noticed. It’s an awful time, maybe we might never get the answers we need. I really hope that my husband wasn’t thinking straight, because I really don’t think he’d leave me like this if he was. Big hugs to you. X x

Im so so sorry that you are also having to deal with this pain.
I do exactly the same I’ve no clues I relive the last week running upto him taking his life every day. I’ve read every text over and over. We were so happy never argued told each other everything so I don’t understand. I know he suffered with depression and I just hope that it wasn’t a conscious decision and that it was his demons as he called his depression that token over cos he would never of wanted to cause me so much pain.
Yet I still feel so guilty that I didn’t know. X

I really think we’re going through the same thing. It is so horrible isn’t it. Maybe we could support each other x

Maybe we can . I miss him so much . I didn’t think so much pain existed. 37 days ago since I last saw him . X

I’m on this site as I am missing my gorgeous darling mum…She was my world. But the father of my 2 children also committed suicide 10 years ago…The hardest part is the not knowing why they did it… I felt very very angry towards him and even now 10 years later it still angers me knowing what he has put my children through… having to tell my children that their dad had died was absolutely awful. .They are doing well now and i am very proud of them x

Im so sorry. It’s awful the not knowing why it eats me up. Did I miss something . Why has he left me given me all this pain . X

Oh, that’s just awful for you. We have 4 kids, the youngest being 12 and it’s bad for her because they had so many plans, we all did!

I’d know him for 11 yes had a fling back then but timing wasn’t right we got back together 2 yrs ago .I’ve never been so happy nor him. He’d tell me every day how lucky we were . We had no children together but I treated his as mine and him like wise with mine . We had so many plans I just don’t understand. Yes he had depression but we thought it was under control. He’d tell me everything so why not that day . I knew within 5 mins of him not answering my text something was wrong as we were so close . I’ve a large gaping hole in my life now.
Please tell me it gets easier x

Aww sweetie, I wish I could tell you that, but it’s all so new to me too. People say you never get over it, but you learn to live with it. Right now I have tears in my eyes, and wish I could give you a hug. We’re grieving, and we have to go through this, even though it hurts like hell x I’m really sorry you’re going through this, it is just the worst x

That’s true jolyjoka. You never get over it…but you do learn to live with it…my heart doesn’t feel as heavy but I am 10 years down the line to you and lostalone…It really is the not knowing and did I miss something… but in my experience he didn’t seem so depressed just a bit down and we were separated at the time. But I kept replaying the last few weeks did I miss something? Was it my fault? If I had give the relationship another go he might still be here now. But I can’t go on in life thinking like that or I would go mad…im truly thinking of you both at this very difficult time…hugs xx

Thankyou both . I still go to sleep and hope when I wake it’s all a nightmare . Depression is an awful illness and that is how I’m trying to get through this by telling myself he had no choice just like cancer it got him in the end against his will .
Night xx

Hi lostalone im sorry for your loss,I have depression very bad and have attempted suicide several times and nearly succeeding 2 years ago and was on life support for 3 weeks.you will never know why your partner did this it can be a number of reasons that only he would of known and wouldn’t want to have confided in you has he may have thought he was a burden.thats why I never talked to anyone…I lost my husband 7 years ago and still don’t cope well without him.if you want to private message me feel free x

So sorry for your loss . He was never a burden to me I’d tell him daily how lucky I was he’d say he felt the same. Now I doubt that love he had for me. The pain he has left me in is off the scale .I wish I could make sense of it . Xx

Hi lostalone please don’t ever think that ,he loved you,I know he wasn’t a burden to you but that’s how I felt towards my family and my children I was going through so much in my head I just couldn’t take it anymore I wanted it gone,i wanted the pain to go away.i love my family so much especially my children but in my eyes I was a failure.i knew i thought if I was gone my family would be ok without me,I was that depressed I didn’t know what planet I was on.when I got out of hospital my family realised just how ill I was and I’d kept that hidden cuz I didn’t want them to worry.dont ever think he didn’t love you or care about you cuz he did,you will never know why just don’t think he didn’t care cuz he did.my family thought my illness was uncontrol but I hid it well.how old was he if you don’t mind me asking x

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Hi, I hope you don’t mind me joining your conversation, it looks you’re unfortunately suffering from similar circumstances as me. My Nana died on the 3/2/2017 and then my Dad killed himself six days later on the 9/2/2017. I live over 300 miles away which hasn’t helped with having to drive up and down the country three times a week to arrange Dads funeral and affairs and wanting to be at home with my own children ( the eldest who knows what happened). My Dad lived in a council house and we had seven days to empty his home, family were demanding things from the house and things to happen at the funeral (although I’m having to use the money we had saved for my daughters 18th birthday present to pay for it) it was crazy. I finally came home yesterday and thought what the **** has just happened? I want my Dad back, this doesn’t make sense. Why has he done this and left us in so much pain? I keep reading that I’ll never get over this and my life will be different now,but the pain will get less but that’s not fair because I want to get on with my life and have my Dad back. I’m just so sad, will the deep sadness ever stop? Sorry for the long rant/message

I’m so so sorry for your loss. I’m not going to lie it’s not easy im 7 weeks in and I can normally keep things together most of the day. Mornings are the worst for me hits me like a ton of bricks on a daily basis. I’d do anything to have him back . I’m just trying to take it 1 day at a time . I’ve been to a support group and got councilling to help me through.
Is there anything near where you are? X

Thank you for your reply, I’m very sorry to hear of your loss too. I’ve been in touch with a bereavement group who have invited me to go along to a group at the end of March. I’m worried about going because I don’t know if I have it in me to talk about what’s happened, also I’m thinking I should maybe go back to work next week and that will make me get into a ‘normal’ routine again- but I’m frightened of that too.

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