Oh Sultana, my heart goes out to you.
I wish there was a magic something that I could say that would help you heal, but all I can do is say that we’re here for you. Sometimes it helps to just write what’s in your heart and send it out into the world, knowing that there will always be someone here who understands.
As for your husband’s estate - take it one thing at a time. It’s too easy to drown in the paperwork and lose sight of what you’re trying to do. The first thing is to sort out the finances so you can have access to any funds he had - everything else can wait until you feel a little stronger.
I completely understand where you’re coming from when you say that people feel you’re being selfish with your grief. I couldn’t bear to speak to my mother for months after I lost Clive - everything was about her, her feelings, her grief, her loss - how dare I think that my grief was more profound than hers? How dare I arrange the funeral without running everything past her for her approval? It was all my fault anyway because she would never have allowed such a thing to happen to her husband! Yes, she actually said that to me the day after I lost him!
It can be very difficult, especially during a time when you’re struggling to keep your head above water - you haven’t got the strength to take on other people’s pain at the moment so don’t even try.
Don’t feel guilty about taking time out for yourself. Shut the door and take the phone off the hook whenever you need to. You have to give yourself time and space to begin to comprehend what’s happened to you, your family will still be there when you’re ready to rejoin them.
In the meantime, we’ll be here for you whenever you need us to be
Hugs
Sky