Widow at 23

This is all new to me, I have no idea what I’m even doing but what I do know is I am now 23 and a widow.
I lost my husband suddenly a month and half ago, I was staying over at my parents for the night just for a visit because my sisters were over and then 5am in the morning I wake up to the police at the door telling me my husband had an accident and it was critical. I felt sick to my stomach, sat in the back of the car as they blue lighted down the streets to the hospital. It didn’t feel real. I had just seen him the night before, when he had dropped me off, he was dancing around in my parents livingroom, smiling and laughing as always. He had messaged me hours before telling me how he loved me, our marriage is a blessing and that we had much to talk about the next day.
See we struggled to even get married in the first place. Being two different races it took a long time and alot of stress to get the blessings we so wanted. And then after all that struggle we were married and in bliss, we were happy… really happy.
When I got to the hospital it was hours before I could finally see him. He was covered head to toe, all i could see was his beard. They took him into what I was told was life preservation surgery. Later that night he was transferred to a specialist hospital and it seemed like in the nightmare there was some hope. The next day I was sat by him, playing his favourite type of music when the doctor came to talk to me. I was taken to another room when he told me. My husband was brain stem dead. Brain stem dead… whatever little bit of hope I had was gone. My whole life was ripped away from me. After fighting to keep the machines on I had to watch as they turned each one off. I had to watch as he slowly stopped breathing and his heart stopped. I held onto him the entire time but he didn’t know I was even there. He had been kept in a medically induced coma the entire time. He never got to see me, he never got to know I was there by his side. We never got to speak, I never got to say goodbye.
At 19 I met him, he blessed my life in so many ways. And now life has gone from what was a dream to a nightmare in such a short space of time. When he went my life went with him. When he died, I died too. I sit here now debating, should I jump? Should I take those pills? Should I just walk into the middle of the road? I am fighting with myself every single day. I’m scared but maybe of I just do it all the pain will finally go away.

Hi Sultana,
I’m so sorry to hear about the tragic loss of your husband. It sounds as though things are very tough and you are feeling really overwhelmed.
I think you could really do with some support and I’m glad that you’ve been
able to talk about how you’re feeling here. There is lots of other support out
there, and I would really encourage you to reach out and speak to someone
about how you are feeling.
The Samaritans are always there 24/7 if you need to talk about anything that’s
bothering you (116 123, or jo@samaritans.org).
You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to
counselling or other support services in your area.
We offer online bereavement counselling to members of this community.
This is a free service and sessions are held via video chat so you can
attend from home. There’s more information about this service here:
https://support.sueryder.org/bereavement-counselling

You deserve care and support so please, Sultana, get in touch with one of
these services.
If you are at risk of harming yourself, please call 999, go to A&E or
contact your GP for an emergency appointment immediately.
Take care,
Susannah
Online Community team

Hi Susannah,

Where my husband worked they actually have some programme with AXA and their bereavement support line. However, I’ve found that it gets me nowhere. I had an assessment and was told that considering the closeness of our relationship, the circumstances surrounding his death, the length of time it has been since his passing, etc that counselling/therapy would be too intense right now. That it could do more damage then good at this moment.
My GP after taking ages to give me an appointment signs me off from work and hands me strong antihistamines to help me sleep. These tablets have done nothing to help, they now just sit on my table.
In terms of family, currently I can’t even speak to or be around them. I know they probably don’t know what to say but instead of just be there they have started to make it about themselves. I always get the “I know you’re feeling like this BUT someone else is feeling like that…” line. I get made to feel selfish for grieving so hard, because other people miss him too. I am, for some reason, expected to just move on so easily like everyone else is. I am expected to be able to stretch myself and tip toe around other’s feeling instead of focus and deal with my own grief. When I refuse to make this situation about anyone else, when I state “he is my husband, the husband I fought for, this is my life” I get made to feel like a bad person, a bad sibling, a careless child. How dare I feel so destroyed and not spend time thinking about how my mother is worrying about me? How dare I not always want to pick up the phone? How dare I not want to discuss private financial matters with them? Who do I think I am? A grieving widow? No. Apparently even in this situation I don’t come first. Even in this situation I am supposed to be able to somehow think about other people before myself.

hi Sultana

very sorry for the tragic loss of your husband,nothing I can say could alleviate the pain you must be going through.i just hope you get help from family and friends to get you through this nightmare situation.i lost my partner on 10th feb and it still feels very raw and I cannot ever seeing myself getting over the loss.i was told that it was to soon after the loss of Jayne to be able be given bereavement counselling,but maybe it was how I sounded on the phone or how isolated and upset I was.what ever the reasons I was given bereavement counselling after about 4 weeks.i had 10 sessions over several months,i cannot say they alleviated my pain,but it was great having some one to open up to about all the feeling I had for Jayne.i was also in a state of shock finding out Jaynes family never liked me,and id been with Jayne for 28 years and we had lived together for over 20.this hasn’t helped.id expected a little comfort not nastiness from Jaynes family.no doubt others on here who have been through similar will try help a little.hope you get all the help you need.
regards
ian

sorry Sultana I didn’t read all your second post.but I know what you mean,seems some families feel that they feel as bad etc,sorry to say but I had same ,Jayne was my soulmate and no one else came close to how much I loved Jayne.she was everything a man could ever want in a partner.Jaynes mum brothers father etc,have got other people thery care about as much as Jayne if not more than Jayne.thats not to say they aren’t grieving or upset etc etc.but as the partner of the person whose no longer here no one can ever fill that void.thats how I feel on the subject.as regards taking tablets I was offered them but refused.they may well of helped but I declined.im just muddling along and missing Jayne more as each day passes.
regards
ian

Hi Ian,

It seems like you know some of what I’m feeling. It’s been over a month now, it’ll be 2months come the 27th. Apart from here i feel like i haven’t been able to get what im feeling out to anyone. No proper counselling, no one who will really listen.
Where his family are concerned… he only grew up with his 2 siblings and his mum and towards the end he had a really bad relationship with them. They treated him like their personal assistant rather then a son/brother. If he wasn’t prepared to break his back for them he would be ganged up on and insulted or ignored. He would tell me that he didn’t have a family home, that me and him and our place that was his only family and his only home. When he was in the hospital as his next of kin i asked to have them be banned from seeing him. I only went back on myself and allowed them to see him for his sake, because that’s the only mother/siblings he had regardless of how they were. If you knew the history, everything that led up to his death you would know why. I blame them. This isn’t me looking for someone to blame, it’s honestly what i believe. They destroyed him. They broke him down. They took him. They stole him from me. This whole act was put on infront of friends and family about how much they cared about him and loved him. They knew nothing about him. For god’s sake none of them even knew how old he was… or his date of birth. How does a mother and siblings not know that…

Simply our life was just me and him. We had each other, we loved each other, we were husband and wife, our own family, we were best friends, a team. Now it’s just me.

Dear Sultana
My heart breaks for you
Families can be so cruel and useless when you need them most
My in-laws have been awful and so unsupportive since my husband died
It’s like a double bereavement
I hope your own family will start to show you a bit more support and understanding soon.
You so need it and deserve it
Sending hugs and support
Romy xxxxx

Dear Sultana. Like everyone else who has replied my heart and my blessings go out to you. You know love can never die, never. One thing is certain. love like yours will carry you through this nightmare.
Try not to be upset by what people say. You are the one that suffers the most. It’s not to say they don’t feel, of course they do, but most of the time it’s all platitudes that are meaningless in your situation.
I’m so glad you came on here. You will not find a more understand bunch of lovely people than you do here. Why? Because we all know. We are all in the same boat of grief and pain.
So many of us have found support from so called friends and relatives in the first stages then, when the funeral and everything is over, they disappear. It happened to me and it’s very hurtful and adds to the pain.
One day at a time Sultana. Grief is a process and a natural one, although at the moment it will all seem like a bad dream. Please stick with us if you feel the need to unload. There will never be any judgement or criticism here.
Blessings and a big comforting hug. (I hope you don’t mind!).

hi Sultana

I hope and pray that your family will reach out and try to help you.
I find I tell anyone who will listen how much I love Jayne and how badly the family nastiness came mostly from the mum and youngest brother,but none of them as been particularly nice.
Have you got any real close friends,or a close family member who can listen to you and help.They have bereavement counselling on here.that might help you a little.
kind regards
ian

Dear Sultana
Words are so inadequate but my thoughts and prayers are with you at this awful time.
I am sorry that your family are not able to support you in the way that you need…of course you should come first but we humans are not good at comforting each other and often let our own hurt and confusion get in the way. Your mum is probably very conflicted and the fact that she has not been able to protect you and save you from this pain may well weigh heavily on her…as for other issues, everyone here has had to cope with the trappings of death and all the paperwork etc and understand what an additional burden it is.
Whatever happens know that the love you shared with your husband will never die…in a strange way it will only grow stronger and help sustain you in the time ahead. Be strong.
Take care x

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Romy,
I know, it feels like im not only having to try to accept what’s happened but also that i’m in a constant battle with other people. It’s exhausting. It’s affecting my health alot.

Jonathan,
I fear that alot. That people will just go on and forget about him. He gave some much and recieved so little, he deserves better.
I have a big family and it’s hard to watch as everyone just gets on with life. They want me to join them but how can i watch them with their husbands and wives and children. It’s like a contant reminder of what i’ve been robbed of.

Ian,
I do the same. I take any reason to speak about him. To be fair every little thing triggers a memory of him. But given the opportunity i will talk about him for ages. I find that even when no one else is there i’ll speak to him directly. Out loud, as if he was here. Just wish i could have him talk back.

2 Likes

Thank you x
Honestly trying to take on all the formalities and the paperwork is daunting at the very least. He was well connected and it’s crazy how much branches off one person, how much needs to be dealt with. I just never thought at this age, where so many others are out and about and having fun with their friends, that i am here in this position. But in all honesty, as hard as it is i feel i am the only one who should be handling his affairs. As his wife, as someone who knew him extremely well and as someone who cares for and loves him.

Oh Sultana, my heart goes out to you.

I wish there was a magic something that I could say that would help you heal, but all I can do is say that we’re here for you. Sometimes it helps to just write what’s in your heart and send it out into the world, knowing that there will always be someone here who understands.

As for your husband’s estate - take it one thing at a time. It’s too easy to drown in the paperwork and lose sight of what you’re trying to do. The first thing is to sort out the finances so you can have access to any funds he had - everything else can wait until you feel a little stronger.

I completely understand where you’re coming from when you say that people feel you’re being selfish with your grief. I couldn’t bear to speak to my mother for months after I lost Clive - everything was about her, her feelings, her grief, her loss - how dare I think that my grief was more profound than hers? How dare I arrange the funeral without running everything past her for her approval? It was all my fault anyway because she would never have allowed such a thing to happen to her husband! Yes, she actually said that to me the day after I lost him!

It can be very difficult, especially during a time when you’re struggling to keep your head above water - you haven’t got the strength to take on other people’s pain at the moment so don’t even try.

Don’t feel guilty about taking time out for yourself. Shut the door and take the phone off the hook whenever you need to. You have to give yourself time and space to begin to comprehend what’s happened to you, your family will still be there when you’re ready to rejoin them.

In the meantime, we’ll be here for you whenever you need us to be

Hugs

Sky

Sky,
To be honest i’m not suprised what was said to you. It’s shocking such things can be said but im in the same position, im being told things i never thought anyone would dare say. My own family, my mum turned around and said to me “it’s not like he’s the first person to die”. I couldn’t believe it. I hate that his death is being played down like it’s nothing, that i’m being over the top because of how badly i’ve taken it.

For now it feels like dealing with his estate is the only thing i can do. I no longer have control of my life or any part of it. But what i can try and take control of i’m trying to. If that makes sense? It’s like everything has been taken and thrown up in the air and i’m trying to cling on.

Hi Sultana, I am 45 and recently lost my husband in a diving incident. I have found dealing with all the paperwork incredibly difficult so as a woman in your 20s it must be even more so. You are being very brave for trying to deal with it all yourself. I find whole days are lost at the computer and very little gets signed off. I find setting a little goal each day helps so I feel like I’m achieving something and not just floundering. Be strong. And I hope you find some calm in the storm soon x

Sultana, my heart goes out to you, how confused and hurt you must feel by the comments. Perhaps by trying to make light of your loss family are trying to soften the blow. Were hurt by comments that we don’t want to hear or need at this moment.
Dealing with the paperwork is a mindfield so take it steady. Make a list of to do things and complete one/two things a day, mark them off the list and make sure you file all paperwork somewhere handy. Write comments so that you can remember at a later date. You will eventually get through everything but don’t burn yourself out with worry.
Good luck and god bless xxx

I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my Mum just over a month ago. I was blue lighted in and I have no idea if Mum knew I was there with her. I hope so. A few people have started to treat me, as if I’ve had enough time to grieve. I’ve got one person who will keep phoning, even though I’m ignoring them. So many people are just thinking about themselves, they don’t seem to understand the trauma, stress and over-whelming emotions. You’ve just got to try and ignore them and do what is right for you. Today, I’ve written a message to someone who’s persistent, with their own agenda, asking them to respect my privacy and my need to grieve. Some people are a blessing and reduce the stress, others just turn it all into a more stressful event. I’ve rambled a bit. I understand it all over-whelming.

Hello , I’m actually only 18 ! My boyfriend died a month ago and I’ve never felt this pain in my life ! We were together for 5 months Although I was certain we’d spend the rest of are lives together! He was my everything! He was murdered so he’s death was a big shock hence why I cannot accept it ! I don’t understand what’s going on I don’t understand death ! I still have hope for my future with him ! He’s death hasn’t kicked in for me ! I know they stay there’s stages of grief it appears in in denial ! If I’m being honest with you I’m losing the will to live … I have no one , I’m not close with my family and my friends don’t know how to be there for me ! The only person I had was my boyfriend and he’s been taken from me ! I don’t understand how I’m supposed to accept it ! If you would like to discuss more about how it feels to be a young person going through this do feel free to message me as I’d love to speak to you

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