Widow at 23

Dear Sultana
I am so sorry to hear about your husband. I found myself widowed aged 24 back in July completely out of the blue and can appreciate how difficult it is being in this situation at such a young age. I met my partner age 19 too, I felt like my world had completely fallen apart and my future ripped away from me. We had purchased a house this time last year and it was supposed to be the best part of our lives, seeing all our hard work pay off. My partner had a catastrophic cardiac arrest whilst playing football and was put on life support which was then turned off the following day, no goodbye, nothing. It is so unbelievably difficult, even nearly 4 months on for me, and I did consider whether I should end my pain by doing something. I was also prescribed sleeping pills from the doctor which did nothing and was told that it was too soon for counselling, in fact I haven’t even started it yet! Slowly I’m starting to piece my life back together; going back to work (albeit part time) and integrating myself back into society and you will get there too. I think it does help having something to focus on, I know the probate paperwork can be such a headache to deal with so I’ve started throwing myself into the gym to try and release all the frustration and anger that I have at the world. It is so hard trying to talk to people which have no idea what you’re going through… they will either say the wrong thing or not say anything at all! It seems being so young and losing a partner is rare and very few people can relate. Please do feel free to drop me a message if you would like to. We’re all in the same boat and need to do what we can to help one another x

I am so grateful for the support I’ve been shown here, i honestly don’t know how it’s coming up to 3 months. I think about the things we should have been doing right now. It’s horrible that something which was once my reality is now a dream and the things i would have considered a nightmare are now my reality. It is coming up to my 24th birthday in a few days, I never imagined i would be spending it with him at his grave. I found suprise tickets to Venice for my birthday on his laptop and i just think that’s where he should have been right now, with me, not buried in the ground.

The idea of remarrying… how do others feel? For myself personally? just no. Already so many have suggested the idea of moving on with someone else. The idea that there maybe someone even better for me. Not just from my side but his side too, even down to his friends are saying such things. I know many people do find someone and remarry and live happily but i could never do that. My reasoning is simple, i love my husband. That is not to say those that move on don’t love their previous partners but that for all of us love affects us differently and for me it’s this way. I have no intention of ever moving forward with anyone else, i chose my husband, we fought to get married, i still consider us married and myself always his wife. I could never love anyone else, how unfair it would even be to expect another to accept being second best. To accept i will keep all my rings on all the time, that i keep my husbands wedding band on a chain around my neck all the time, that i consider him my husband always and will keep his belongings close to me. People have said oh because you’re still so young don’t write yourself off, but i’m not, that’s not how i see it. Me not remarrying doesn’t mean im stuck in some bad way like i guess people are assuming i would be. If anything for myself it’s a positive, it’s a commitment to my husband. We didn’t fight so hard for me to give up on him now or ever.

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Hi sultana,

I find it incredible that people are even mentioning moving on or remarrying to you. What on earth are they thinking of?
You will always be your husbands wife and on this site, no one would think otherwise. Although my mum was older than you when my dad died at 53, she never even considered being with another man. She never dated or even thought about it. She spent 21 years on her own until her sudden death 5 months ago.
I’m sorry that you will have a different birthday to the one you had planned and I hope the day goes as well as can be expected. It’s my mums birthday this Sunday and I will try not to dwell on the day.
How lovely that your husband had planned a surprise trip to venice and I am so sorry that you will not be going with him.
Life is very unfair.
Cheryl x

I think people have become so desperate to make this all a thing of the past but for me this is my life, it will never be something i forget and move on from.
Snap, sunday is my birthday too. His 31st would have been in a couple weeks time, so usually this time of year we would be running around like 2 little excited kids trying to hide each other’s presents. I miss that too, the fun he brought into my life. He was such a light in the world.

Life is awful and you just have to hope there was a bloody good reason he was taken x

I honestly don’t see what it could be…

I’m sure you cant. I will be thinking of you on your birthday on sunday x

Hey…
I went through this thread.
I know it was like an year and half ago.
But I just joined this community today after reading this thread.
I hope someone is available here to talk.

@Sultana
I am 23 and I lost the love of my life 23 days ago.
He was 23 too.
He went suddenly and unexpectedly on 8th April around 8 AM due to a heart attack at his home.
I had just talked to him on chat at 6 in the morning, he told me he wasn’t well, I asked him to wake his family up, but he just wasn’t listening. After like an hour, he did wake them up and I went back to sleep relieved. Only to be woken up later by calls and texts from friends at 9:30 AM who had heard the news and wanted me to confirm it.
He lives at a walking distance so I got dressed and went to his home wishing that this be some mistake or a bad dream or a prank!
But when I reached, he was lying there lifeless.
I sat and caressed his forehead and cheeks and ears and held his hand for hours before they took him away for the funeral.

While reading how you were feeling and how close you were with your husband. I could simply see myself in you.
I could resonate to each and everything you said, Sultana.
Even for me and my partner, we were each other’s family, best friends, babies, strength, all time company, life, world, everything.
Since we weren’t married yet, I’m not able to make anyone understand that we were like a married couple already since we were together.
Our close friends do understand that to some extent though.

We used to sleep with each other on the phone, be with each other the entire day and then just go back to our respective homes to sleep.
We wanted nothing else in our lives but to be with each other forever.
We used to do our grocery shopping for our respective homes together.
Go everywhere together. Fo every little thing together. We just never used to stay apart!
Our families did suspect and kind of knew about us. We lived very close by. My house was already under construction for my family to shift when I had met him in an NGO that I joined and later got to know that we are actually in the same university. And surprisingly, he lived in that locality as well where I was about to shift and later I did shift.

My birthday falls on 31st October. And his used to be on 2nd November.
I was just 2 days older than him. And after we had met, we have had so many signs like that from the Universe telling us that we are actually meant to be with each other. There were just so many coincidences. Our initial months together were spent just counting our coincidences. And things we have in common that are unexplainably same for us. It was a soulful, cosmic and beyond this world kind of a connection that we shared which did have physical chemistry too but was so pure even without it. Our souls were one. We were sure.

Although my time with him was almost 2.5 years but we used to say that each month had been like an year together for us and thus, he used to wish me Happy Anniversary, every month.
So for me the bond is that of a 25-30 year old marriage.
And the people around me don’t understand that.

It’s hard for me to even function. I am not able to do any of my daily activities. I have lost my desire to live. I just keep wishing to die. Or thinking about killing myself. I am constantly afraid that if I ever will be able to meet him! If he is around me still, I don’t want him to leave and go anywhere until the day I die and go to him. I wish there was some way to find out if that is possible.

Also, my family did suspect about us but I had denied it previously in front of them and so even if they know, they treat me like there was nothing between us. And we were just very close friends.
On the other hand, I go to his house and be with his family and they like being with me too because they know he loved me more than anything and we were together. Although we never told them either but they knew and on the day of his demise, it was just out in the open that they know and they do talk to me about our relationship now. Especially his mother. And I like sharing about us with her. They see me as something that he has left behind for them. And if it would have been possible, they would have loved to make me stay with them forever. But the society here in India and my family won’t allow that since we weren’t married officially. But in my heart, I would always be his wife. But it’s scary to think of being alone now. Without him. It’s very frightening. I feel like I’m never going to be prepared for that.

Since 8th of April 2021, I have been waking up at 6 in the morning on my own. I try to keep myself asleep. But I am reminded of that day and have flashes of that day when I last talked to him and didn’t do anything because he did not make it sound like it’s something serious. He did not understand himself that he was having a heart attack. And I was just talking on chat so I couldn’t understand the gravity either. Heart attack did not cross my mind either. And I hadn’t thought of anything of this sort happening at all. So I am in constant guilt and hatred for myself and regrets. Only I knew in time and I could have saved him if I had acted. But I did not. I killed him.

I have constant anxiety and sometimes panic attacks in the mornings before I even open my eyes and they last till at least afternoon or sometimes the evenings. Along with that, this clutching desire of just killing myself to be with him forever overpowers me. I somehow get through the day by pacing around in the house and sitting or lying, constantly changing positions.
And look forward to nights when finally everyone can have dinner and I can go to sleep.
I find comfort in his room at his house and with his family but I can hardly visit them once a week. Especially due to the situation of the pandemic. My family doesn’t allow me to leave the house.

While my house was under construction 2.5 years ago, we had met and since then he had contributed a lot in the construction as well.
And we had spent a lot of quality time here.
After shifting as well.
So everything in this house, in my locality, in my city, every movie, song, book, quote, cars, bikes, gadgets, everything around me just triggers memories of him.

And I remember EVERYTHING about him as clear as day like it was just yesterday.
It’s like I can replay all the memories. They are that fresh in my mind.
It’s a curse!

I always used to tell him that he is custom made for me. And he used to tell me that he’s ONLY mine.
He was the kind of a husband who never had any complaints or demands and was always thanking me for whatever I do for him and he used to always go that extra mile for me. Always. He had waited for me for 1.5 hours in the sun too without any complaints.
Treated me like a lady, a queen, a princess, a baby. All at the same time. He was very proud to have me and used to show me off everywhere. His hands were always either on my waist or in my hand. And he couldn’t just let me sit without hugging him while on a two-wheeler. He took care of all my needs without even me asking for it. And all he ever used to ask of me was to take care of myself. This is not exaggerated at all. His love used to grow with each day. Even on the days where I didn’t treat him right.

I just have too many regrets to follow me to my death.

It’s hard for me to not say a lot when I talk about him.
I just hope someone reads it and replies.
I’m very desperate to talk to people who can actually understand and be non-judgmental like he was about everything that I used to share with him.

He was the only person I was close to in my entire life.
I used to share every little detail of my day with him so that it feels like that we share one single life.
I was doing everything to have a life with him.
Taking care of my career or ny health, learning new skills, life skills etc.
Everything was just to be with him.

Now that he’s gone, life seems futile and meaningless to me.
This world has no value. I hate living creatures around me.
I find chirping birds very annoying. And it triggers my anxiety.
And I find dead things normal and peaceful.
I don’t want to stay here without him anymore.
I just want to go to him. Wherever he may be.
I wish he waits for me to come to him.

I’m scared that what if he has a limited time here to stay around me and would go somewhere else after some time.
And by that time if I’m not dead, I would never be able to see him again, meet him again or be with him again.
This thought makes me want to kill myself to be with him.

But then I get scared that what if he is already gone.
And it’s too late for me to die and reunite with him now.
Even so I feel that it would be worth it rather than living this life alone without him. I’m just 23 and the thought that I might have a long life ahead of me scares me the most.
I do not want to live without him anymore.

Hello Sunshine_in_a_storm,

I’m so sorry to hear about the very recent loss of your beloved. It sounds as though things are very tough and you are feeling really overwhelmed.

I can see you’re looking for support and I’m glad that you’ve been able to talk about how you’re feeling here. But unfortunately, as you live in India, I cannot offer any links of support available to you. I am confident that there will be Bereavement Counselling offered in India, if you search online.

You can always continue to post on this forum, and our lovely members will offer support, but can I ask you to consider their feelings. Everyone using this platform are here to help them through their own grief, and would find it extremely difficult reading your thoughts of possible self-harm.

Sunshine_in_a_storm, I am really concerned that you have these thoughts, and the fact I cannot offer any form of support, I am referring your post to Aife, our Online Community Manager. Aife may have links of support in India.

I want you to know we are all here for you, on this forum. But please search for bereavement support, local to yourself.

Take care,
Audrey,
Online Community Team

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