My husband was unexpectedly killed by a man with a pistol. He was shot in the throat unable to even tell his killer his last words. I was at home with our only child preparing dinner when I heard a knock on the door. It was tragic news. He was pronounced dead at the scene. I never got to say goodbye or apologize for our argument just hours before. The memory of seeing him on a stretcher at the hospital with blood covering his face, eyes still open. The doctor and nurses said there was nothing they could do. His lungs filled with blood unable to breathe. He was only 35. There was no trial or arrest. Our last words to each other were with tears and anger. If only I had known I would have begged him to stay home and would have shown him so much love. There is so much I wish I could tell him. Now I am left grieving with guilt and anger towards God. How can a good and almighty God take away such a good husband and father? He was very devoted to God and always preached to me. Our daughter is disabled and unable to speak. He told me to never give up on her and to keep faith. Now I find myself struggling to have any faith at all. This happened in July 2017. It’s been 1 year 6 months and 16 days but I am still mourning and cry to myself every night and sometimes during the day when I let my mind wander. I feel like im living in a dream and one day I will wake up from this nightmare. Im just a robot doing what’s necessary to keep myself and my daughter a life with a roof over our heads. I’ve never been one to express my emotions or tell anyone how much pain im in, but pain is all I feel. I treasured my wedding rings but I lost the stone from my ring in a car accident just 1 month later. Almost lost my life too. I feel extremely heart broken. In a way I wanted to die but felt angry at myself for even thinking of such a thing. I never want to leave my daughter. She’s all I have left to live for. Is it normal to still feel this way after one year? Do I need help? I am against medications and fear that’s all I’ll be offered.
I had to read through your post twice just to comprehend how much trauma you have suffered and I realize that how ever many times I read it I wouldn’t really be capable of understanding. I don’t think anyone could attach a “normal” or an “abnormal” label to anything you do or think. Since your husband died you must have noticed some slight differences in your ability to live on but I can see it wouldn’t be much. I presume you have been offered specialist trauma counselling and would hope there is some level of ongoing support for you and your daughter. It’s a difficult one is medication. One of my daughters asked GP to increase the doseage of Citalopram shortly before my wife died, partly because she had just given birth to her first child, and she was anticipating the grief she would feel. I think medication can have an important role to play, particularly in Traumatic grief but I’m not advocating it and it needs careful consideration in discussion with a health professional. Sometimes the brain just needs that bit of help.
I’m just avoiding any mention of God as it’s not my thing.
One of the Big problems with deep trauma is it takes a long time to come back down the scale to a level of acceptance that you could live forward with. This is why some help is essential, in the same way that it is now expected by military, police, etc. There has been a major failing if that has not been the case, and I don’t feel I’m overstating that.
What heartbreak you have been through. I felt such sadness for you as I was reading your post. Your last memories were horrific. For once I feel lost for words. We all beat ourselves up with guilt, we can do nothing about this. I lost my faith as I watched my husband die and kept repeating why, why, he was a good man, never hurt anyone, generous, helped others all the time. I went into a church today and trying to regain the faith I had.It’s natural I’m told to lose faith when losing someone we love in a traumatic way. So give yourself time. I too hope you are getting the support you should have. I would never be happy with medication though in a situation like this. No amount of pills can take away such pain. If there was a pill we would all be rushing to the chemist/doctors for them. Pills will only mask the problem but won’t take them away. We have to find a way to heal. How we do this is sadly up to us. When I went into the church today I picked up a card with a lovely prayer on it, I turned it over and on the back was a picture of a long winding path with the words ‘Where next’. where indeed. I thought it appropriate for so many of us… God bless you Ashley, please keep letting us know how you are getting on, were here to help you if we can.