AprilLouise, you are feeling exactly how you should be feeling. You are okay. What you are experiencing is universal to all of us who have lost a love one. Just keep that in mind, you are not going mad, you are in grief and you are suffering a truama. Widow’s brain is real as is PTSD and they are the same.
You are in the early months and yes, we know what it is like. I described it as living in a dense fog, with tornadoes. No sleeping, no eating, no opening the blinds, no showers, walking in circles, pacing, worrying, scared, exhausted, fearful, lonely, sad, yearning, and overwhelmed with added responsibilities, estate stuff, financials, income change, and it swirls around in your head 24/7.
I get it. It is normal. You are doing fine.
For now, feed everyone, pay the bills, and live hour-by-hour, day-by-day, one step in front of the other. Cry your eyes out, you’ve plenty to let out.
I promise you, it will get better. Just not yet. Don’t expect anything to get better for a while. Things will start to fall into place.
Here is how I made it. I keep a spiral notebook with a list of everything I had to do, or needed to do. I did 5 a day and checked them off the list. Just 5. At the end of one week, you will have handled 35 things without adding more to your already full plate.
If a friend or neighbor asks if there is anything they can do to help and there is such a thing, say “yes”. People want to help and sometimes we need help.
You will feel very bad for a very long time. That is the truth of it all. It is a long path with lots of curves as we head into a life we didn’t plan. It is painful to create a new life and that is what we are doing, we aren’t the same, our lives will never be the same; our past life is gone, our future plans are gone and we are lost in a fog.
It will begin to lift at about 6-7 months. You will function better, but still have all the same issues as the first months. You will start to be able to focus again. It will seem like yesterday or 100 years ago.
When I knew I had made it a whole year on my own and nothing too disastrous happened, I became more confident in myself. If I made it one year, I can surely make it 2.
It will be 2 years in September. I am okay. Okay meaning that I have adapted to a different life, one that lives with the loss and continues on. I couldn’t open my window blinds or form sentences for months and in February 2026 I rode in a Mardi Gras parade.
It is a struggle but you will make it. I promise. We all will and do.
BTW if you are constantly misplacing things, I suggest a tray where all your things go and train your mind to always put them there rather than somewhere in the chaos around you. This will save you countless frantic searches for your keys and glasses.
Eschew sticky notes and scraps of paper, write down names, numbers, etc. in your notebook. Less visual clutter and everything is there. It goes on the tray.
Don’t be hard on yourself, you are in the very miserable process of grief. It doesn’t just go away, it eases, just not yet for you. But, it will.
Do not grieve for things that haven’t happened yet, such as your loved one missing future events. You will grieve that when it happens.
I found my husband in our bedroom, that image will never leave me, but when it pops into my head, I switch to a memory of him healthy, happy and alive. It helps.
You are not alone. We are all here, suffering in different stages of grief. I am sorry you have joined this widow club and I know how much you miss your husband. It physically hurts. Cry it out in the shower when the kids are asleep. Cry out your frustrations, fears, grief, for yourself. It is okay to cry for yourself.
Much love and I hope what I shared is of some use to you. I am living proof that we do survive.
Peaches
