@Asters Sorry you’ve had to find your way here. You are in the right place at the moment, and I hope you take comfort in some of the posts on this forum. In due course, you will be ok. Not now. But you will be.
Best wishes
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@Asters i am 2yrs 5 months into the grief journey. When i think back to the first 6mths from what i can remember, it was hell on earth. It passed and i kept reaching out when i felt i was at rock bottom. Still hurst like hell and from the hour i wake to the time i go asleep i think of my linda. I cope , have found way to distract, pull myself away from the edge. Just thankful i found my soulmate and grateful for the 43 glorious years we had together as not everyone is so fortunate. The key is to look after yourself , try to stay as healthy as you can, as illness and grief are a toxic combination. Kindness to us all, and yor will find a way through. Allen.
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Thank you all for your kind words. I feel understood which i haven’t really felt up to now.
So i’ve just opened a letter from my employers which said that i can have “a reasonable” amount of time off as long as i produce a not fit for work note from the doctors. I understand life has to move on but i am now feeling pressure when we haven’t even had the funeral yet.
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Please don’t heap more worry on your shoulders. Make an urgent appointment with your GP and explain the situation. Although I’m retired I still had a phone call appointment and my GP was extremely helpful with enabling me to cope. Remember, we are all in this together and here for each other when we need support. Sending you hugs.X
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Get a Not fit for work note, its easy. Just ring or email doctor. It will take the pressure off and when your ready, go back to work. It took me 4 months to go back for 1 hour a day at the beginning but it was the best thing i did. Make a list of everything you feel you need to do. Prioritise it with most urgent at the top and deal with each as you need to. Facing anything would be challenging, your memory short and fatigue may set in.
We all have unique experiences of grief but we all understand.
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I am in a similar position after losing my wife of 24 years after a 2.5 year battle with cancer, I am 49 and my wife was 46. I used to think I would be able to cope with the loss but each day is a struggle. If it wasn’t for my 2 sons (14&17) I don’t think I would be coping. Everyone says it will get easier but at moment each day is harder than the last.
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Asters, I am so sorry that your wife died and that she suffered with cancer; it is a most horrible nightmare that has come true. Confused, numb, in limbo, anxious, sad, depressed, exhausted, fearful, panicked, walking in a dense fog, spinning in circles, no short term memory, unable to eat or sleep, nauseous, intestinal issues, paperwork, funeral preparations, government forms, unable to drive? These are all normal as I have learned here.
I have made it 11 weeks by taking each day hour by hour. We are all overwhelmed and not in our right minds and can only process so much at a time. I make a list of 5 things I must do each day, do them, mark them off, and I have a visual of accomplishments to remind me that I am still functioning in the fog, albeit at a slow pace.
Pay the bills, feed yourself and the pets, cry until there are no more tears. Eat only good, nutritious food (you won’t be eating much so make it count) and make yourself eat. Stay hydrated. Take your meds and vitamins. Sleep when you can. If you only sleep 4 or 5 hours, it is okay, it won’t always be so. Your body won’t let you be sleep deprived for too long.
You are in the early days and it is hard, really hard. But, I hope that knowing what you are feeling is universal to all widowers and widows gives you some relief. By now you understand that no one knows like those who are in your shoes.
I’ve gotten so much help here, I hope you do as well.
Much love.
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@hamster75 so sorry you are here - the place no one wants to be, I lost my husband on 8 October he was only 56.
It is incredibly tough for you at the moment and I hope you find words of comfort here. In time, whenever that may be, you will live at one with your grief. One day, it will be ok. Not yet, but one day.best wishes.
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@hamster75 My wife was 49 and I’m 47. I have 2 girls who are 17 and 18 so very similar. So sorry for your loss and that fact we are both on here. I agree with you it feels like it’s getting harder and harder.
@PeachesDixon you’ve summed it up perfectly
Thank you all for the lovely messages
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@Asters Sorry you found your way here, but hopefully messages of support will help, even a little. Stick around and let us know how you are getting on.
Don’t (easier said than done) feel the pressure, just get that fit note from the doc, you will be just fine.
It is incredibly tough, no denying that, but over time (and how knows when that will be), life will become a little more bearable, and you will be ok. Not now, but you will, in due course.
Best wishes.
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Hi Asters and to all those out there, suffering a loss of a loved one.i can definitely connect ,I lost my husband of 54 yrs to Mesothelioma.This cruel disease took away everything, we believed the treatment would give him some extra time to carry out his wishes,.it wasn’t to be ,I am struggling in so many ways emotionally, physically and drained.
I do believe this site is a help ,a good support , just to know we are not alone, we can say how or what we feel.We need not suffer in silence , we are hear to listen,talk and offer support.
I have connected to a local bereavement group,only been the once, initially I was scared , worried, didn’t know what to expect, but honestly I am glad I went, I am actually looking forward to going again,
the welcome,the support and comfort was beyond words, I know I am not alone.
But yes behind closed doors, I am a mess
struggling to go forward ,there are times when I just want to sleep, switch my phone off and just not be here, but having my granddaughter age 12 permanently living with gives me a purpose ,a focus , I have to go forward, for her and my own sanity.i am reading a book that was given to her by the counseling group,to help her understand, age appropriate, easy
reading .Tbh I have not yet finished reading it yet.
Yes I am still struggling but it has
helped me understand a bit about grief,my guilt, my feelings , anxiety ,which are all perfectly normal to feel.
Title is "You will be ok " .
I am truly sorry for your losses but we need to support and connect to each other x Thank you , apologies for long post xx
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Hello @kidsangel123 no apology needed for a long message. I’m so sorry you are also here and thank you for posting on my thread. It’s not nice to hear how you are feeling or what you are going through but i can also understood it (as we all know.)
Talking on here i am finding it much more helpful than to someone who hasn’t been through the loss like we have so thank you all that have posted on this
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Thank you yes, having found a small local bereavement group is good for me too but I don’t feel there is enough local bereavement groups, .But I really hope you can find a way forward, it’s such a tough journey going forward with out him, although I believe he is on the best place , no more suffering,no more pain , but just expected those few more years to share his dreams ,his thoughts ,our life together,but treatment failed .
But I hope you manage to find support through family and friends x tc
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I’m in same position. Lost my husband of 57 years 6 weeks ago tomorrow I held it together but since the funeral it’s so horrible mornings are worse I put radio on can’t stand the quiet I have family but they have to work
This week gone back to vol work cple mornings
I can’t sleep properly I talk to the cat etc
Sorry for yr loss x
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Sorry to hear of your loss ,my thoughts are with you through these very sad times.
We had decided on pure crem , which I believe was the right decision given our circumstances.
I put on such a brave face for him and our 12yr old granddaughter who lives with us,trying to protect them,not showing the stress, the hurt and so much more And now I have fallen apart big time .So many tears ,so much unsaid,we had so many hopes, how does one go forward.
To each and every one of you my heart goes out to you all ,I am so sorry for your losses.
But keep the memories alive , support and care for each other xx
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Hi kidsangel123 - I’m sorry to hear about your husband, that must be so tough after all those years together. Sounds like your granddaughter is bringing you some light in dark times. I lost my mum to Mesothelioma this year. Isn’t it awful and unfair? We don’t even know where here asbestos exposure was as she didn’t work in the industry. It’s some unfortunate comfort to read your story, to know other people are grieving someone they’ve lost to the same illness <3
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Hi Romy mo,
So sorry to hear of your loss, my thoughts are with you .It really is the most toughest things I have ever had to deal with.
yes it truly is an awful disease, despite the treatment it spread so quickly ,taking everything away from him, no quality of life , no dignity ,etc .So sad to watch and see his life pass him by.We had so many hopes, he was 72yrs. He worked for Cape Boards many many years ago , albeit only a short time .
My life we will never ever be the same , I miss him so very much, x
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Allow the memories to come. Treat them like visitors. Some are welcome, some are not. Simply hope that those that are good dwell, and those that are not leave quickly. Live with hope. ×
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@Asters Hi, I’m so sorry to hear of your loss of your wife. It’s devastating isn’t it! I lost my wife in July to cancer and she was only 62! If I’m honest you’ve come to the right place because, as you’ve probably already seen in the replies, everyone is in the same boat. I was with my wife for 36 years and it just devastates your life doesn’t it…. Keep talking to people on the group or contact us directly if you feel you feel that you relate to someone in particular. I’m still fighting it terribly! I had a terrible outburst of grief which I’m not ashamed of when we went to the McMillan ‘Ever After Garden’ in Grosvenor Square, London. I felt so much better for getting some tears out and I’m sure you’ll get the same along the way…. You’ll feel yourself asking the ‘why’ question a lot too! It will ease in time is all I can say but it’s normal. I hope you you don’t end up typing messages at 3am like I am! The grief will mess with you in untold ways but just go with it is the best advice is what I can offer! Don’t suffer alone - we are all here to help! The people on here have helped get me along so far. Christmas is a bad time but I’m trying to do my best for my grown up daughters and Grandchildren as my wife loved it… I’m dreading it secretly and curse every time I hear Christmas carols/songs…… anyway stay safe and keep talking to everyone here. Derek
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Ever After Garden