Lost my husband, traumatically aged 66 last November to an unexpected and catastrophic heart attack - lying in bed next to me. Am functioning well in many ways. Go out and enjoy being with friends and family. Still working a bit. Have an exciting holiday planned Can laugh again… BUT it seems impossible to stop thinking about him and missing him and feeling jealous of everyone else who still has their partner. I have begun to think the grief will actually never end, despite the fact that I know I have to learn to live round it and make a new life for myself. Sometimes selfishly feel angry too that my own life has been spoilt. Anyone else feel like this and is there a point when acceptance comes according to the theory of the grief stages?
I can relate to this totally…I think we learn to accept, the logical part…but will always have our moments. 17 months for me and a sudden loss of my lovely guy who played golf nearly every day. What I do know he is as proud of me today as he was in life x Your lovely man will be too x
Hi. Grief stages? Yes, but theory is theory. In practice it’s not so easy. We can only generalise and this can cause problems. The theory is sound enough and grief can follow a fixed pattern, but it can also not conform and it still comes down to the individual and how they feel. This pain is unique to every one of us because we are all unique.
Like you I lost my partner last November, but not in such awful circumstances as you. The grief as such may never end, but like any pain it may diminish as time goes on. I’m impatient! I want things yesterday and it doesn’t work that way.
I do know that gradually, very slowly, it will be more bearable. If we aim for that then we can move even further forward.
Anger, envy, frustration and jealousy are all part of this process, and of that we can be sure.
Don’t try to forget, that won’t work. Take it as it comes, a day at a time, but continue what you are doing. Acceptance has to become a habit. Just as grief and pain can become habits.
Enjoy the holiday and take care.
Dear Mrsmap, your husband’s loss was so terribly traumatic and my heart goes out to you. It sounds like you’re coping really well - at least, it will probably look like that to others. I don’t think that there are neat stages of grief. I know that whilst I accept the reality of my husband having died 17 months ago I’m nowhere near feeling acceptance of having to make a new life that I didn’t ask for. Sometimes I wonder if missing my husband is getting mixed up with feeling sorry for myself but then, that doesn’t seem unreasonable, really. It’s a hard road.
Take care. X
I’ve found that acceptance is incremental, in that I’ve reached a point of acceptance with some things but not others. Maybe there isn’t a blanket acceptance.
I think that there are so many different aspects to my grief and that parts of it may be for life.
As a humanist I have a fairly straightforward view of things and maybe this has helped me.
I’m trying to build a different life around my grief. To me that’s a necessity as I can’t contemplate the alternative. I also feel my life is too valuable to waste as who knows how much I have left.
Hi there, you have some wise and valuable views on your situation. I don’t know what I can add. I can relate to what you are feeling though.
I too lost my love in November and felt I would cope better. I have thrown myself into doing things that interest me although |I find I don’t crave people with me. I am adapting to being alone, most of the time. I am trying to find acceptance.
My loss was not like yours as I knew for ten years that Brian had cancer and after the initial shock and three operations that left Brian a dead man standing, he was so thin and weak and no help forthcoming from the NHS we took to Natural Therapy and he lived for another ten years. During this time I thought about about the possible outcome and me being left alone. I started to plan how I would live my life if the worst happened. But he became strong and healthy and I thought we had beaten it. Then nine years in and it got him. When he died I found that all my years of ‘planning’ for this time went out the window. It is just as traumatic as a sudden death. It was 10 years of torture really and the last year was heart breaking. I will never forget this time. Watching such a lovely man suffer. However although I am not coping as I thought I would I do not want to waste my life. Each day is a challenge. The grief seems to wash over me in stages and I find it useless to try and fight it. I go with it and accept it as my love for Brian. I never stop thinking of him, he is still with me and this gives me comfort. I’m not ready to let him go.
I sometimes wonder if, as time goes on we are grieving for the life we have lost. The things we wanted to do, the love we have lost. The company of our best friend, lover and soul mate. I am searching for that light now. We will find it in time.
Good.luck to you.
Dear Mrsmap, I too lost my husband to an unexpected heart attack - lying in bed next to me. Two years later and I think I’m still in shock. He is on my mind constantly, my head is full of him, he never goes away and that’s how I want it to stay. Grief can never end but we can get very good at it and I think I am most of the time. Acceptance is key but I think the grief stages are an individual thing. All you have described is absolutely spot on, I could have written it myself. Don’t fight it just go with it and acceptance will come but you’ll never stop missing him. Do you want to? Much love xx
Some lovely sensitive and wise replies - thank you. It is actually a great help to know there are others out there experiencing all the same emotions…