Hi everyone
Just want to get thing’s down. It seems my tolerence for my husband has vanished since my mums passing last November.
He likes a drink and when he starts like last Saturday it goes on all day. He went rugby club with familly but then when he comes home he drinks late at night. Which makes me anxious. I dont spend time with him and sit in another room.
Apart from this he has been a great support when i lost my mum.
Ive told him i want to separate after Sat and now regret it!!
1 Like
Hi @Cadburys52 ,
I’m sure someone will be along to share their thoughts, but I just wanted to say thank you for so bravely sharing this with us. Keep reaching out,
Alex
1 Like
Hi Cadbury, so I sort of know what you are going through, the person who should - or at least who you want to be there for you in your pain, isnt there.
I think I know because when my son took his own life in March my daughter, who I looked to for comfort, wasnt there for me. Oh I know she had her own pain and I feel bad for expecting her to be there for me but I was just overwhelmed by my own pain and now I regret that.
And of course its an anniversary for you, a whole year gone and that will increase your pain and your need for his support.
Its possible that he is scared of the intensity of your pain. I get the feeling that people are nervous of my pain. Its almost as if its a virus we carry around and they are afraid of catching it so they keep away, or keep interactions superficial.
I hope you can talk to him about how you feel and that he can listen and continue to be a usually good support.
Grief is tough and I find it can be really isolating, sending virtual (hugs)
1 Like
abi - Thank you so much for your reply. That makes sense to me. We are meeting fir a coffee after work to talk. Sometimes I think im going mad. But he does drink alot which effects me.
I think i have reacted too strongly though as I am still in fight or flight even after a year!
2 Likes
Let your husband know your feelings and that you cannot snap out of grief or live with a drunkard and that his excess drinking causes you more pain and distress. Ask if he is willing to do better.
Men do not think like women. Take no offense. They handle things much differently than we do. If you have a problem, they come up with a solution in a minute and the conversation is over while we like to ruminate the issue. They don’t do that. Unfortunately, there is no solution to your grief, so he is clueless to help, but can’t live it anymore either.
Talk. Don’t let your grief make decisions for you. But, for me, the drinking has to stop.
Much love.
2 Likes
Hi @Cadburys52 . Do you think the two of you can sit quietly and have an honest discussion of how you both feel, and come up with a plan you both agree to?. You can’t really avoid the issue, and you might be surprised.
PeachesDixon makes an excellent point about about men and women being different, as that excellent book explains “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus”
2 Likes
I dont think you are reacting too strongly, grief can be overwhelming and thats not your fault.
Just talk to him and see if you can find a way to cope together
2 Likes
That is so good to hear that you are meeting up on neutral territory to talk. Tell him how you feel don’t be accusatory. You don’t say how he reacted when you called it quits. I hope you can come through this. Maybe some grief counselling too. Life is lonely on your own.
Good luck.
1 Like
Thank you !! You have all been such a good support with excellent advice.
When I said to separate, he began crying he is not used to me being so assertive and reactive.
We have had a chat i have calmed down he admits he drinks too much (he is all or nothing) undiagnosed ADHD he is on the waiting list. He said he is not going to drink in the house. Just when he goes fishing.
I have given him a shock!
But we were on the brink of splitting up.
After calming down i have realised i could’nt bear another loss. He admits he us wrong.
I am on waiting list for CRUISE bereavement shouldnt be long as they phoned me not long ago to take details.
I really hope you are all ok? How are things?
It is such a lonely road xx
2 Likes