Tennyson said it’s “better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all”. I feel differently.
The pain of losing my wife is so consuming that I wish I’d never loved her at all. I know how awful that sounds, and maybe I don’t actually mean it. But, if you never get close to anyone, they can never hurt you. I’ve never let anyone get close to me, ever, and I have few if any real friends and am not close to family, and I can say I’ve never been hurt the way I am now. I let my wife in completely. I let all my guards down and allowed her in to my deepest self. I gave myself to her without holding anything back. Now, without her, the pain is devastating.
Scrolling through this forum, and talking to someone in person today who lost his wife 15 years ago, it seems the pain never lets up. It may get easier to manage and easier to cope, but beneath the surface the pain itself remains as raw 15 years down the line as it is on day one. Is it worth it? The loneliness I feel now is excruciating. The loneliness of never being loved can surely not be as bad as the loneliness of losing your true love?
No, you are not the only one who has these thoughts. Our thoughts when we lose our beloved partners are a right mixed bag ranging from jealousy (of those who still have their partners, those who were much more ill yet survive, those who are not good people) Anger - why was he taken and not someone who was evil/bad/corrupt. Confusion - how can I go on with my life, where do I go from here, this isn’t the plan we had. You had something very special which not everyone has or had, what an empty life without all that joy of loving and being loved. Memories aren’t enough, but it’s all we have now really.
I don’t think I could ever feel that raw open pain that I felt on day one and I never want to feel it again.
You are allowed to feel whatever you want and you will continue to have lots of different feelings.
We hurt because we loved. For me, as devastating as it is, I cherish everyday that he loved me and I still love him. I feel incredibly grateful for everything we had. His love changed me and I wouldn’t be who I am today without it.
Ah I meant to reply to @Flotsom
I had 17 years with my partner and even though I’m going through this now I wouldn’t change it for the world.
My mam died when I was 21, my grandparents died when I was a child and my dad was never around. I wasn’t particularly close with extended family either. He is the person I’ve loved the most in my entire life. I’m devastated that I’ve lost him but I’m so thankful that I found him. Some people never experience a loving, happy relationship. I’ll be forever greatful for the 17 years we had together and hopefully we’ll be reunited one day
The price of loving deeply is the horrendous grief. I had nearly 25 years together. Married for 23. When we found out he had this awful disease I said to him “if I had never had met you, you might not have had all these things happen to you and be married, with children, living in his home town” (he had an accident at work 6 months after we met, which ended up him being disabled and unable to work again. He had testicular cancer and recovered. Liver disease and crohns). His answer was “he would rather have what he has now (lung cancer) than not have spent 25 years together”. It breaks my heart every time I remember it. He died 3 weeks later. I feel broken and devoid of any happiness or hope for the future. But I am so pleased I got to love him and him to love me. He completed me.
I really wish I could believe that but, sorry, I can’t. I will always cherish the love but after three years, I feel no better than I did the day he died. The raw waves are here to stay, at least for me.
“You see, love and grief are two sides of the same precious coin. One does not—and cannot—exist without the other. They are the yin and yang of our lives… Grief is predicated on our capacity to give and receive love. Some people choose not to love and so never grieve. If we allow ourselves the grace that comes with love, however, we must allow ourselves the grace that is required to mourn.” – Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph. D.
The love we shared was immeasurable, even in the darkest times caring for her as she deteriorated we still found the deepest love, and part of me sees that as a rare privilege. But the pain is ten times greater. If you compare the happiest day of your life, perhaps your wedding, the joy was not comparable nor lasted as long as the grief from the worst day of your life, their death. The joy may last a few weeks, the pain lasts for years or even forever. Pain seems to massively outweigh happiness disproportionally. For me right now it seems unbearable. All day every day I am in agony, despair, hopelessness.
I look at my teenage children. They’ve never known the love of a life partner, and although they are sad and have lost the love of a mother, they are not broken. They are continuing life remarkably normally. Having never loved so completely, they are experiencing less pain than me, and I envy that.
You know @Flotsom I do get you and what you are saying. I also didn’t let people in easily. I had many friends but I think I kept people at arms length if I am honest with myself. When I knew I was going to lose my husband who I had been married to for 30 years, and who I adored I honestly thought I was strong enough to weather the storm of grief. Wrong. It comes crashing down on us like a ton of rocks. We never expect such pain. Like you I have often thought that if I hadn’t gone out that day and met my husband by chance and had stayed on my own with my own home, car and decent job then perhaps I wouldn’t have suffered so much. What I had never had I wouldn’t miss.
My first husband left us when my children were small and they became my whole life. Yet now when I need them I hardly hear from either of them so what was the point.
I am four years along this road now and I can assure you that the pain does become less aggressive. We can pick up the pieces of a life again if we wish. I have even become accustomed to being alone and quite like my own company but I keep busy although I do have my dogs. Surprising what you can adapt to. There isn;t a day that I don’t think about my husband so I haven’t ‘got over my loss’ and probably never will But I do understand what you are saying and understand.
