Hi Nell am sorry you are feeling so bad as well. I know people feel guilty and have the what ifs and all that, that’s one reason in a long line I don’t agree with life…so much guilt and regret and grief. Why the hell would I wanna be here to go through all that?! Lol did my mum expect me to thank her for the curse of life, cos I don’t it’s pure misery. At what point did she think it’d be a good idea…“I know I’ll inflict life on my offspring, they’ll love watching all their family suffer and die and going to their funerals and then feeling guilty for the rest of their life until they die horrifically themselves”. Ah motherly love, there’s nothing like it!
I’m just so tired of being put in difficult situations and feeling guilty because I’m so incompetent, I don’t want the responsibility and I question my judgement these days. Life is full of this BS. I’m waiting for a referral for breast cancer right now, it just makes me laugh. I don’t even care, but my mum is probably going to lose me soon because I won’t be having any treatment, I’m done with this crap. She will get over it, like she gets over everything else, nothing is a big deal to her so I certainly won’t be getting any support if it turns out I do have breast cancer. She knows I don’t care about my life ending I’ve told her although I am terrified of the pain and suffering.
Thank you for the kind words, I’ll freely admit I’m not a good person anymore,. grief guilt and bitterness will do that to you…life has made me into this and it ain’t pretty. Some people just know they can’t deal with life, can’t function, screw everything up and should never have been born because they bring nothing but bitterness and misery to people. But they are yet again guilted into sticking around and they end up making even more mistakes and feeling even worse. Life is so unbearable.
Bethany
I feel and understand your pain
I have felt the same at times
Different reasons, however to not be here has been an option
However I found to write things down help
I started writing poetry
All my sadness all my pain, I started to transfer in to words
Nobody reads them but me
Your life is precious
Your life is worthwhile
Definitely speak to your GP
They really can help
I believed I was beyond help
However very slowly am finding my place
I am worth life and so are you
Visit your GP
They really can help
You’ve been through an awful lot. It will take some time but it may be that you won’t always feel as bad as this. You aren’t to blame for feeling that things are just too enormous to cope with, it doesn’t make you a bad person though. It shows you have a good heart that you care so much. You have been emotionally wounded by all that’s happened. I’m not saying it’s easy but put yourself first. You have every right to kindness and respect and to care for yourself as priority. You count as much as anyone else. We can’t change what’s happened but please take it a day at a time and try and be kind to yourself, you deserve it. Even if you just have a 5 minute walk just to see the sun, it’s a start. When others can’t or won’t help it’s really bloody hard. You are worthy of self care and you count. Sending kind thoughts. You can always come on here, it’s reliable and safe to do. You aren’t alone and you deserve better times and a space to get back some strength, at your own pace. It’s not selfish to care for yourself. X
It’s just pain, everything in life is pain. how can people look around at the world and still bring kids into it. My mother knew I’d have loss and guilt and grief and funerals and she thought I’d thank her for that? She can go to mine in a couple years if I die of cancer since she thinks it’s no big deal to put me through it. How much pain do I have ahead when I’ve already had SO much.
Even if it’s my brain that’s messed up and unable to cope and I’m not “normal” or whatever-my parents were the ones that took that chance on their kids having mental illnesses and major struggles through life. No doctor can fix my life they don’t have a magic wand. To not be born would’ve fixed it but I had no choice. You can’t make yourself feel better about something you feel massive guilt over. Seriously is it so hard for people to just not have kids and spare them from life.