I can’t deal with the guilt. I hate life so much it’s pure pain, why did I have to be born? My life is in absolute ruins with no way back. I feel so bad everyday and nothing can change it. Why don’t you get any choice whether you want to be born or not?!
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Bethany your title really made me cry. Please don’t wish you was never born . Do you have any family to help you ? Speak to your doctor he maybe able to help you. Sending you a big hug 🫂 xx
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Hi Bethany , I can feel you are struggling, so many of us on here are struggling to, the pain is so bad and nothing will ever be the same again. Just keep breathing , just get through minute by minute, this is all we can do, it is going to be hard for as long as it takes. It may feel like there is not any point to anything now but your nan would want you to be happy and live your life. You really need some support tho someone you can talk to . Look for some counselling , talk to your doctor. Can you talk to your mom? You don’t have to keep it all in, keep posting how you feel and read the posts of others on here. It’s so bad now but hang on in there it has got to get better. Give it time it is such early days for you yet . Don’t expect too much from yourself too soon. You mention guilt, yes that can eat away at you , I am working on that one as well , so many would have, should have , could haves. You loved your nan and you did the best you could. Yes life is not easy , but maybe we can become wiser ,find some answers and some peace eventually . Just for now breath in breath out, you are doing ok. Take care jss.
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Hi Misprint, it’s the truth though I wish I had never been unfortunate to be born it’s a living hell. I have no support, I have a mother but she doesn’t help and it’s her fault I’m alive which I never would’ve agreed to. No doctor can turn back the clock or fix my destroyed life but thanks for the reply x
Bethany , Take a look at a post VictoriaP has just posted in the conversation thread “loss of our son age 27”. So helpful , uplifting and insightful .
Sorry misprint that was a reply for Bethany , I will try again
Hi Bethany , Take a look at a post VictoriaP has just posted in the conversation thread “loss of our son age 27”. So helpful , uplifting and insightful .
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Jss I’ve never been happy life is a curse. No I can’t talk to my mum she has no empathy or emotions, if I died she’d be over it in a week. Life is easy for her because she has no conscience, I wish she had thought about how her children might find life but of course it wouldn’t cross her mind. Everything is so dark and morbid I keep seeing my nans face, I can’t stand it. I’m terrified of life so much the pain the fear, the fact I’ll be in a body bag one day. Life is not beautiful life is tragic and cruel.
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Bethany I think you really need to speak to your doctor about these feelings or if you are desperate ring the samaritans . It’s difficult for people who have never had anxiety or depression to empathise with someone who is in a very dark place, so your mother probably can’t understand the depth of your pain. I to often fill my mind with negativity and overthink things but there is medication you can try or counselling. I have very supportive friends and family so I am lucky but so often feel I just can’t do this anymore. I am waiting for counselling myself but if that does not work I shall be going back to my doctor for something else. We just have to keep trying, nothing stays the same , everything changes. Life is often cruel but it’s also full of ups and downs , we have to learn to ride the waves. I say this when I am hanging on by my finger nails myself while just hoping for a glimmer of hope. Your not alone, as I said keep breathing, sometimes it takes all my energy just to do that. Take care jss
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Yeh she definitely can’t understand, she has a totally different reaction to everything than me she really is cold and unfeeling. She doesn’t have the guilt and she’s sick of going over it even though it’s only been a short time and I need to know what exactly happened. I don’t have depression or anxiety it’s a reaction to what life has been like for me. I don’t see the point in medication it can’t change the past it won’t help and I have barely any family so nothing to live for. I’m making my mothers life a misery I can’t help it but I tell her all the time you shouldn’t have had me and I wish I was never born. The only other thing is to just never speak to her again because I won’t lie about how I feel and I am utterly miserable and in hell. That’s the chance she took when she had kids! Not everyone can deal with life it’s bloody hard and horrible and if you can’t deal with it they should let you have a peaceful way out. I am sorry you are struggling too, certainly true that life is cruel, everything you have gets taken away from you sooner or later. I can’t believe my mother wanted this for me all the tears I have shed and grief and guilt why why did she do this to me?! She must absolutely hate me to put me through life.
you are not alone. I do not say not to be born because I know how happy I made my mom and dad.
but I made so many mistakes too … you are not alone.
I wish I could run off and forget it all … but I cannot. “My life is in absolute ruins with no way back.”
I have these same sentiments exactly and all I wish is to go back and fix my mistakes. you are in good company. 
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Me too the guilt is horrible I go over and over what I should’ve done differently it seems so easy in hindsight. Sometimes my brain just doesn’t work or think that’s why I try to avoid situations where I have to be responsible for ANYTHING because I know I’m totally incompetent. But there are 3 situations I got put in through no fault of my own which I feel I made mistakes and I can’t stand the guilt. I’ve hated living for 10+ years ever since my dad died so I wish I hadn’t been born, I don’t make anyone happy I try and drag them down to my level because I carry so much guilt and pain. I can’t believe this is my life and the situations I got put in even though I just tried to stay out of everyone’s way and not make any mistakes. Bad stuff still came knocking at the door. I have siblings but they were not so involved in the situations so they don’t have the guilt and haven’t seen what I’ve seen-to this day they still don’t know how badly my dad suffered. Just me and my mum but she doesn’t feel guilt or bad about things. I can’t believe this is my life.
Bethany ,i hope you don’t mind me saying but you think you are not depressed but everything you say just screams to me that you are. Depression consumes you ,lies to you changes reality and the dark place you are in , is what you think life is, but it does not have to be. I have been there in the past in that black hole of no hope and have been helped to climb out .A doctor once said she could make it better, I did not believe her but after time and different medication something just clicked back into place and the hell the blackness Lifted. Grief on top makes it even more complicated. It’s not easy sometimes tablets work sometimes they don’t , and they can take months to kick in , but I have seen it from both sides. Please tell your doctor how you feel or get counselling from the counselling service on this site. Depression can certainly be a reaction to what you have been through , I feel the same , how many times can life smash you to bits before you just can’t get up anymore. Some of us are just too sensitive and we are all only human anyway. It’s just my opinion from my experience, just trying to help , I can feel you are really in so much pain.
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Jss well if I am depressed it’s since birth because I’ve always felt bad, compounded by all the awful things that I’ve been through which I think is natural. It’ll never change, if I’m supposed to see life as rosy then it’s my brain that’s always been wrong which I can’t help-my parents took that gamble when they had kids, in fact we’re all messed up in some way. Poor mum thought she was getting a perfect little mini-me and that didn’t happen! It’s the chance she took though. I’m the one that has to go through life because of her decision. I wouldn’t wish life on my worst enemy never mind an innocent child.
I don’t have a diagnosis of anything (surprisingly) so I’ve managed to get through 30+ years without a doctor knowing there’s anything “wrong” with me. Changes reality? I’m very grounded in reality unfortunately, maybe reality just is terrible? You said yourself life is cruel. I’m not seeing things differently because of depression, I see things perfectly.
I know you are just trying to help but first of all I was thrown into a life I never asked for and can’t get out of and now I’m being told I’m not even allowed to have my own opinion on my life or the world because there’s something wrong with me! I think it’s more likely there’s something wrong with people who enjoy life, I don’t think they see how bad life really is, maybe they should go to the doctors because their idealism and rose-coloured glasses are clouding their judgement. Imagine if you went to Ukraine and told all the devastated people “oh you’re just depressed it’s not that bad your depression is lying to you” I wonder how that would go down! I may not be in a warzone (yet) but I’ve still lost almost all my family in terrible ways and I’m supposed to be like well ain’t life great, er no I’m not delusional. You don’t know what I’ve seen and been through. People should be allowed out of life peacefully, if life’s so great what’s left of my family would get over it. I cry and wail all night getting myself in such a state hoping I’ll have a heart attack and die, I know life isn’t that kind though we have to suffer before we are free of life, everyone suffers.
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Yes Bethany , that’s true I do not know what you have been through. Sorry if I offended you , I did not mean to. Sorry for your pain .
Jss it’s ok I know you are just trying to help. To be honest I’m sick of moaning and trying to convince everyone else life is terrible and trying to bring them down to my level. If other people love life that’s great I should be happy for them. All I want is the option to leave it’s too painful for me, why don’t they let people who can’t take life leave peacefully I never asked for any of this.
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Sorry Jss I’d like to apologise. I probably am depressed too since I’m very irritable and easy to upset, and have zero enjoyment in life. But on top of that I know the world is just a very dark cruel place so I know I’m logical in most respects. Anyway I don’t want to upset people on here of all places I just want out of this life. I will go to therapy and moan at them so I don’t upset my mum anymore it’s just hard because she’s the source of all my pain, I don’t understand how she can want me to go through losses and guilt and pain, I wouldn’t wish that on a child. The other day I found what I thought was a lump I’m not entirely sure but I was shook by it so was lashing out but now I’m so calm, this could be the out I’ve been looking for all my life so I’m finally finding that positivity haha. It’s probably nothing it’s hard to tell.
Anyway you took the time to reply and try to help so thank you for that I don’t mean to try and start an argument with you on here, my brain is clearly messed up by many different things depression could be a small part of it.
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That’s ok Bethany. Sorry You are hurting so much . Hope someone on here can posts something helpful to you.
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Hi @Bethany2022,
I’m the Online Community Manager - I am really sorry to hear you are feeling this way and struggling so much. I just wanted to reach out on here to thank you for opening up - I’d also like to thank those of you who have replied on the thread, offering words of support and encouragement.
We’re concerned about you @Bethany2022 - I’m going to follow-up with an email and some details that you might find helpful as you continue to process all that you have been through and experienced and how you are feeling.
Do take care - keep reaching out,
Megan
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I haven’t got any clever answers. I am drowning in misery myself. I am telling myself to just keep on keeping on. Just do a day at a time, even an hour at a time. Its very common for grieving people to blame themselves, but it doesn’t make it true that they are to blame. It’s very hard to be a friend to yourself right now. I’m lying in bed today, hiding. I think I’m trying to hide from my feelings. It’s going to be a long journey back to coping, life will never be the same again. But I am alive and keeping on as best I can is the best I can manage. It’s good enough for now. My heart goes out to you. If you can remember that you are a good person, having a truly awful time. Be as kind to yourself as you can. I hope you don’t think these are hollow words, they are sent with support to you x
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