Just sitting here thinking about what I have lost and found myself sinking into the pit of despair.
I made a conscious effort to get a sodding grip and think about what I still have. Perhaps I have been looking at it from the wrong end of the telescope. Yes, he is dead and I am left alone to cope. But I was his “Happy Ever After”, to misquote Shrek. I made the rest of his life happy. Just like everyone else here. That is something to be proud about.
For whatever reason that I can’t begin to understand, I am still here, my time isn’t up yet. But I am grateful to be his Happy Ever After rather than his reason to be sad for the rest of his life. Now it is up to me to carry that love and make the best life I can. I like to think I will be reunited with both of my dearly loved and missed husbands. They would want me to live a worthwhile life with some joy in it.
I wish everyone here some joy. There are things in life to be grateful for if I look hard enough.
Xx
Thank you for posting this, I am sitting here in tears after having to tell someone else that my darling Ray is no longer here it was 7 weeks yesterday. I read your post and decided to blow my nose and get a grip. He didn’t like me to cry, when he was unwell and my mask slipped he would hug me and say please don’t cry. He left me 10 days after our 52nd wedding anniversary.
I love your post looking at things from the other side. i love the part in the movie ‘up’ where carl is looking through ellie’s adventure book, the clip was played at my husbands funeral. When he realises that their life together was an adventure and her note that says 'thank you for the adventure now go and have a new one". No one that has gone wants us to wollow or waste the time we have left. Its so hard i am struggling with it too, but live your life for them, let what you do be to honour them, make them proud. Live like they are watching. There is a reason your still here and not them make a difference, thats what im trying to do it kind of helps x
I would also like to join the “With love from Shreks Swamp club” couple of evenings ago I found myself looking on line to buy delivered meals, you know the sort, advertised on tv, smiley man turns up in a van and helps you put them into the cupboard or freezer, whatever (creating and cooking meals for one is a steep learning curve for me!) and feeling sorry for myself realised my wife would be so cross at me for behaving this way, turning into this old shadow of the person she married 46 years ago, the one with the motorbike, the one who went on to drive lorries as far as the Russian border, the one who started 3 business’s with her that kept us fed, the one that vowed to love and protect her (not that she needed it!) she would be so disappointed, so blew my nose and vowed to continue to be the person she wanted and so far that has given me a more positive attitude, I do believe her spirit is present with me and if you had known my wife you would understand why I have to do this!
If we are lucky we do reach a point where we have make that decision to move forward, however long that takes, I think and hope that I have reached this point, don’t get me wrong, I do feel terribly alone, I do cry and have those really bad moments but I also now feel a little more comfortable in accepting this new way of “living” with my wife but I also realise tomorrow is another potentially crap day.