Hi Sue Firstly please accept my deepest condolences I lost my husband in February 2016 although I am 13 months down the line I am still lost in my maze of grief as you will no doubt notice through my posts.
I will say this though you are at a very very early stage I think it will help you to try not to think to much about the future try to live day to day or even hour to hour after all you still have your hands full adjusting which takes time and I suspect your energy levels are taking a real battering mentally emotionally and physically.
Just know although you feel alone there are many people who are in the same position as us and so you are not alone your lonely for your husband like me I understand that it’s heartbreaking I know everything hurts and it’s scary but don’t underestimate you strength. xx
Hi I totally understand how you feel, my husband died 3 years ago and then I found out that we were massively in debt, I knew nothing about it but I had to talk to gas and electric suppliers, councils, insurance and mortgage companies to work out how I could try to replay all the debts . I found that I had the strength because I HAD to. I was 58. The pain, the hurt, the emotional damage, on top of all the grief. Financially you might be able to cut back on many things, I learnt that £10 of food could see me though a whole week. I boiled a kettle once and put the remaining hot water in a flask. I only watched tv when there was a programme I wanted to see, I walked instead of using the car, small reductions but they all added up. Luckily I have a dog, he forced me to go out, dog walking people are friendly, they only care about the dog, not how you look (I looked a total wreck!!) I walked in the same place every day at the same time and forged some great friendships, especially after all the well meaning ‘friends’ dropped me from their social circle. Scream if you want to (the car is a good place) then after that release do something, anything. Try to go to concerts, plays, the cinema - no-one cares if you are on your own because you can’t talk anyway.
I read a great sentence when I was floundering in my grief, it said ‘You have a choice - you can choose to stay Wife, stay Widow or become Woman.’ Personally I chose woman. I found out that I could survive, I could do all the little jobs my husband did for me, I could go on a singles holiday and have fun. Please please hang in there.
Hi Jeanne
How totally proactive and positve you sound and I think on some level your right all the hurdles we have to overcome go a long way into building our strength but by god they are bloody hard aren’t they. I have been taking small steps today I went horse riding haven’t done that for twenty odd years but have decided to try new things whilst working out what my new normal is. What a great saying aswell, in the end we have no choice we can not stay in the past and we have to let go which is so hard what’s that quote “better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved” xx
That was quite an achievement Jeannie, it should shine out as a beacon of hope for many of us still struggling. It doesn’t translate so well, husband, widower, or man, but the idea is the same. I guess I’m still at the husband stage as I still wear my ring. I know I need to take it off but I can’t quite bring myself to do so yet.
Oh Neil, why would you even consider taking off the ring? Even if someone else comes along you may want to keep it on one of your fingers, it shows your love, friendship and all that bound you together. When my John went I took his wedding ring and put it on my necklace but it made a noise so put it on my finger, it’s still there and always will be. The amazing thing was it fitted. And my wedding and eternity ring on the normal finger, I am still married! Love is a strange bedfellow when you are on your own, but that’s life and for me being on my own is something I don’t like but I will just have to get use to it and muddle on in this maze they call the future.
Hi Mum, thank you for your reply. Taking it off my left hand would be a sign of accepting my loss I suppose. As Jeannie said above we have a choice between mentally staying married, becoming a widow(er), or becoming a woman/man again. Of course I would wear it on my right hand instead, but I’m not ready to move it yet. Like you, I don’t like being on my own. In fact I detest it. Unfortunately, unless we are lucky enough to have close relatives willing to take us in, the stark choice we have is to live alone or make way for someone else to come along. I do hope you find your way through your maze.
Hi Neil. My husbands wedding ring is on top of mine! I have fat fingers he had thin ones -so they were the same size - I loathed being on my own, after 30 years it was very odd, and quiet, and I felt very very lonely. My sons had already flown the nest. Eventually I adjusted to my new enforced ‘normal’. Just last week on what would have been my husbands 65th birthday we got together to let go some balloons with messages tied on and it was oddly therapeutic especially for our youngest son who had also lost his best mate in a motorcycle accident a year after his dad died. For my own piece of mind I make myself look forwards, I line things up literally for months ahead, it works for me. Everyones grief is different, there is no right or wrong way, no-one can comment or judge, the way we all deal with things is different but it becomes right for us as an individual. I realised the only person I could rely on totally was me. On a positive note . 3 years on and I’m ok. I’ve survived and I’m getting though life in my own weird way.
Hi Jeannie, thanks for your reply. It’s good to know it is possible to adjust to and survive this kind of loss. I think a lot of marriages provide so much mutual support that it is easy to lose the quality of self reliance you mention. When daily tasks are divided up between you, it’s really hard to instantaneously pick up everything your partner did. But it’s not just about tasks - you get so used to the easy companionship and conversation that develop after many years of marriage, that the silence and emptiness that follow bereavement are very hard to get used to. “Getting through life” is a good way of putting it. But as for enjoying life again, is that ever going to be possible? Take care.
Hi Neil, thank you. Yes, you do slowly begin to enjoy life. It took me 2 years to become ‘me’ again-, my life is very different due to the phenomenal debt I was left with,I will have to work full time FOREVER but…it’s a pretty harsh sentence …my husband died but I didn’t. I have new friends, I do different things, I found I could go on a painting holiday abroad on my own and survive (SCARY!!!), so hang in there, the worst thing people said to me was time heals, no it doesn’t, time lets you adapt. Take care.
Hi Jeannie, thanks for replying again. I know we are all different and cope with loss and grief differently, but it is encouraging to hear that after two years you managed to get back to being yourself again, and that three years is seeing you enjoying life, despite the debt. Discovering that debt must have been such a shock on top of the shock of bereavement but in a way maybe it spurred you on to deal with everything.
The thought of going on holiday abroad by myself is really scary. It’s been six months for me and while the intense feelings of grief seem to be behind me now (but of course you never know) I don’t feel motivated to do anything. Sleeping poorly doesn’t help I suppose, nor does anxiety which seems to be plaguing me. I keep telling myself it will pass, and I look forward to the day when life will seem worth living again. I’m glad to hear you are doing so well despite the debt. Best wishes and hopefully you’ll enjoy some time off over Easter.
Hi Neil, time does help but at present you seem stuck, have you tried Reiki it helped me big time and I use it most days. Night time is the worst time but if you can get into a bedtime habit that helps. Holidays, well I have done them on my own and both our boys (grown married men) live abroad I have had to travel. The first time was five months after and I was so scared it was untrue. It all went well and coming back I just wonders why I got myself into such a state. Christmas is still one I have not copied with, which have been holidays, not good. The only other one was this last February, I went with Hurtigruten by myself and that was great, if you don’t want people or you do, it works both ways. Not sure about any more holidays at present. Just visit the boys. Hope this may help but please try the Reiki.
Hi Mum, thanks for replying. I’m not sure whether I’ve got stuck or am just experiencing a new phase of grief. I think I need to see where I am in a few weeks time. I will look into Reiki, thanks.
Hi, I so agree with Reiki, or acupuncture, or reflexology or whatever suits. Anything that helps is good. I still have acupuncture for a ‘top up’ if I recognise that I am feeling extra tired. I felt extremely anxious for a long time and journeys especially where I hadn’t driven before were fraught. I haven’t quite got over that one yet but still working on it slowly and surely. The A roads are best for me with the dog as I can stop off at any time, with prepared picnic at hand!
I watched Emmerdale on catch up and although some of it was painful, the part where Laurel is having a conversation with Ashley in a dream gave me some comfort. I imagined it was my husband talking to meand telling me to be strong.
Just thinking of what we were doing last Easter, chilling really and my husband was enjoying his break, I was due to start a temp job in May, which I was looking forward to. My brother in law is coming to my sisters today for a visit, my sister passed 7 weeks ago, so at least there will be someone who really understands how I feel.
I am trying to be more positive, I wake up feeling sick and the mornings are the worst. I have written a list of what I have achieved since my husband died last August, a list of what I enjoy and a list of what I want to do. I am going to read these lists when I feel down. Over the last few days I have gradually felt better as the day has gone on. Yesterday I felt normal or myself for the afternoon and evening. The relief was immense after all the angst. I suppose it is unrealistic to expect to feel that all the time but at least it is possible. I usually love Easter and Spring but of course it doesnt feel the same this year, but I will try to make the best of it and give some comfort to my brother in law who is still in the early stages of grief. I agree with Neil I find I try to just keep to the day, or hour sometimes as it is the only way to cope.
I sent my best wishes to you all and hope you get some good patches as well.
Anniexx
Thanks Annie, good patches are always welcome.
It’s odd, but for the past few days I have also been experiencing the pattern you describe of bad mornings with better afternoons. The “experts” say any change is a sign your grief is progressing, but it would be so good if it were a sign the worst of the angst is coming to an end.
Your lists sound like a good idea. Have you got your cleaning and damp sorted yet? It seems to me you are doing really well and organising a move requires forward planning beyond one day at a time, so maybe you are making better progress than you think. I hope you get to enjoy Easter with your visitors.
Dear Neil, Good to hear from you, I think you are right my sister said I have been very proactive and am too hard on myself. Dont know why I feel so sick in the mornings as nothing can be as bad as losing Kevin and my sister. I like reading your posts and you sound a very compassionate man. Got the new house cleaned last Saturday and have got some things to go in it. I am moving in gradually as my TV comes next Wednesday and my broadband (which I cant do without) comes on the Friday.
The chap I got to do the damp let me down, I dont think he wanted the job. Have got another company now and they are cheaper and they will start next week or the week after. Also I have accepted an offer on the house, so hopefully will not have to worry about that for much longer.
I hope we continue to improve, as it is horrible to feel so crap all the time and very draining.
Take care
Anniexxx