Worried about my future

As the loss of my husband slowly sinks in its now been 13 months (how surreal it still feels ) I can’t help but continually worry about the future. I’m scared about having enough money about my safety about being alone about almost all aspects of my life
I know the vunerability I feel is due to the abrupt change of circumstances and my grief after all my life has completely changed not just economically but everything and I guess that is something else that I will have to learn to accommodate “worry” I never realised how much my husband cosseted me from the pressures of life and how totally insulated I was.The trouble is I am on the wrong side of 40 (a year off 50) and I just feel so exhausted emotionally mentally and physically. I feel as if I have have been battered sideways and to be honest not really sure if I have anything left in the tank plus I also know there are still blows heading my way (god why is all so painful) it’s relentless and the fear that comes with my new normal although not completely unexpected overwhelms me to such a degree its paralysing. I know we all feel the same but I want to scream at the top of my lungs “I HATE MY LIFE”.

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Dear Aquarius,

I go on this site nearly every day. I can completly relate to what you say. My husband died of a heart attack suddenly last August and my younger sister six weeks ago. I feel dead inside and cant seem to get my mojo back. I am normally a positive chatty person but feel as all the stuffing has been knocked out of me. I worry all the time too and wish I could turn my brain off, it does not seem fair that after bereavement we have to go through all this crap.

I am selling my house in Doncaster as I cant bear to live there Kevin died in the garden.

I have signed for a rented flat in Farnham this morning near my family and will probably buy a house here. My daughter took me this morning to see the landlord and get the keys and we were making a list of what I will need. People keep asking me if I am excited, no, Im not, Im scared. I am scared of living alone again Kevin and I were together for 28 years.

My daughter took me to Laura Ashley as I need to make a start I just felt sick and sweaty in the shop. I know this is the next step for me and I feel guilty for feeling such a wimp. And my family have their own lifes to lead. I just have to hope it will get better.

I am having some periods when I feel normal for a couple of hours which gives some relief and have been researching groups etc in Farnham.

Starting all over again on your own is scary and trying to decide what you want is hard. My family are all very busy and say you just have to get on with it. I know that but I feel like saying how would you feel if your lost your other half? And losing my sister too who was so bubbly and bright is doubly hard.

At least we can say what we really feel on here and know what we are feeling is normal we are not going mad. It is very much one day at a time or one hour at a time because to go back or too far forward is mind blowing. Just wish we could all meet and chat and have a hug.

Anniexxxxx

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Hi Aquarius i can definitely relate to your topic and post .Im 57 my wife was 41 died 04032016 on her birthday .I sleep downstairs i wont entertain the thought of sleeping upstairs .People have tried to say we will help you to move back upstairs .Lets just say i told them in very graphic terms stay out of my nightmare unless i ask for help.Im also helping my ex wifes dad .Hes in a wheelchair de ja vu definitely comes into it .A lady at the cafe we go at said at least it gets you out .I thought woman are stupid or what yes it helps him but me i have to hold my thoughts and feelings in .The future holds i topic for me i want to be alive thiks time next year .Where will i be im like you not a clue .Hope you can get a little more clarity as time goes by all the best Colin

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Hi

2.43am and another night lying awake worrying about my future. I empathise completely with what is being said here. My situation is different in that it is my Mum who has passed away. I am bereft and left with this terrible sense of loss as cared for her in her last illness. I follow all my suggestions to others on this forum during the day, little treats for myself, trying to eat something everyday etc but the nights are terrible. I am selling our house and at present have nowhere lined up to go, seeing houses and flats daily but none are suitable. I have never brought or sold property before and find the whole thing so stressful.

My mother used to talk about lying awake in bed not being able to sleep before she became ill and I am now wracked with worry she knew something was wrong with her and this was the reason. I moved into her bedroom as thought i would be happier there and now lie in the same bed also unable to sleep.

Like you Annie i keep being asked if i am excited about moving but feel numb. I have trained myself not to show emotion when out of the house. I watched a toddler having a meltdown on a bus yesterday, full scale screaming tantrum and lying on the floor and thought how i would just love to do that myself.

As others have said wouldn’t it lovely if we could all meet up, you are the only people i feel really understand.

Mel

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Dear Aquarius, your post pretty much sums up how many of us (myself included) on this site are feeling. Afraid of the future, feeling alone and vulnerable, paralyzed, and hating the life that bereavement has imposed. Ive been on this journey for five months now and although I feel exactly like this, I want to say something that might help. All I can think of is that there are people who have been through this and have come out the other side and found some sort of contentment. There’s every chance most of us will do the same. I know people who after a few years have either found a way of adjusting to living alone or who have found happiness with someone else. It may seem impossible to us where we are now, but for most people eventually life will get better one way or another. I hope this thought helps and wish you and everyone else here the courage and strength to keep going.

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Hi Annie I’m very sorry for your loss of your husband and sister what a horrible time you are having one loss is hard enough but two I can’t imagine how cruel life is. I myself will have to down size at some point and the mere thought feels me with dread because I know it will hurt I have lived here longer than anywhere else it’s filled with so many memories and has been my anchor and security for the last 15 odd years. I don’t think you are a wimp our husbands provided us with much more than security and our lives were woven together it’s natural to feel adrift and worry how we can continue on alone people keep saying to me that I will find someone else how naive and insensitive is that but here in lies the problem unless you have lost someone you can’t possibly grasp the complicated emotions that rise to to the surface. I’m not religious but I pray for inner strength all the time the trouble is I feel such a mess and I’m exhausted it’s all I can do to go to work I suppose it’s like you said trying to discover what you want is hard especially as a part of me doesn’t really care enough about the future but at the same time I wish I had something to grab on to what I don’t know but some light at the end of the tunnel to relieve this relentless pain the only relief I get is when I’m asleep. xxx

Hi Colin your kindness always shines out from your posts I’m sorry that you are still sleeping downstairs it feels on some level that we are all frozen in time doesn’t it we can’t go back but we can’t go forward either so we are locked in this relentless cycle of the present which is filled with misery and pain it’s nice that you are helping your ex wife’s dad just having a bit of a purpose is good it is something else besides the pain to focus on, something to take the edge off don’t get me wrong you are only a year down the line like me and everything still hurts I know but it’s a small step away from yourself however briefly. I guess it really is baby steps for now I can’t help but wonder how much more my mind and body can take I just wish it was done you know. Anyway I am willing you on Colin take care xx

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Hi Neil thank you for taking the time to contribute to my thread with such a positive view despite your own pain. I think the ultimate challenge is "letting go"and although I can’t articulate it very well I think by adapting and overcoming the other challenges like our vunerability fear etc we somehow manage to conquer our ultimate challenge now it’s only my opinion and obviously it’s not as simple as that especially when our emotions are involved because when you love someone letting them go is the hardest thing in the world but to create our new normal ultimately we must let go. I was married for 18 1/2 years and I know that at some stage I must continue but I don’t really want to if that makes sense.xx

Dear aquarius,
Thanks for your post, and I have read all the others. Although it is awful to see how you are all suffering at least I know I am not alone and what I am feeling is what all of you are feeling which makes me feels less frightened. I do pray every night for peace and strength.

I did see a counsellor after Kevin died and she said don’t think of light at the end of the tunnel but of the tunnel getting lighter. Just wanted to tell you about my Grandson. He is my youngest 9. He was writing a list of what he wanted for his birthday and at the top was smiles and happiness, I was quite touched, that is what we all need smiles and some happiness and relief from this pain if only for a few hours.

I have to try and just think about the day and not think too far ahead. I send a virtual hug to you all.

Love Anniexxx

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Hi Annie like you I do take comfort in the fact that there are people in similar or worse circumstances than me on here or in my group.I do so want to live “you know” but my feelings get in the way and when I think of my husband I feel such profound sadness and cheated by what I have lost and heart broken that I will never feel his touch again and it spirals to an even deeper sadness. It will take time I know but the practicalities make the journey even harder as if it wasn’t bad enough and it’s so bloody exhausting. I’m taking his ashes back to Australia in November it gives me a focus hopefully I will be strong enough and I intend to write him the eulogy I wasn’t capable of giving him at his funeral I know it’s symbolism but I’m hoping it will help. xx

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Yes that does make sense Aquarius. I think you are right, the ultimate challenge is to let go and to accept they have gone. That’s not to say let go of our memories - we will have them for the rest of our lives - but we have to let go of the future we anticipated together. Of course we don’t want to let it go, but only when we do can we make way for a new future that might be brighter than this awful present we are currently in.

And as you say, maybe we do start letting go every time we overcome one of the challenges we never expected to meet. Little things like changing the clocks as someone posted recently, or working out which setting to use on the washing machine (one of mine), as well as the bigger ones. I was dreading a car journey we often made together, but once I’d done it another element of the fear of the future was gone. The future is full of these little steps - things that are trivial until you are bereaved. And maybe each time we take one, we do inch slowly towards a less unhappy future.

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Neil when we discuss the mechanics of our grief it sounds so simple doesn’t it, and yet emotionally it’s anything but.
I find it gruelling and most nights I can’t wait to go to bed for the sheer relief of sleeping and escapism not that I manage the whole night but I take what I can get. This situation is so full of pain initially the blows come thick and fast that it makes your head spin plus I think your probably in shock but then they keep coming not so frequent but never the less equally devastating all part of the adjusting process I suppose all the things you wish you said/done I wrote my husband a letter from my heart thanking him for loving me and giving my life value and put it in his hands in his coffin it seemed paltry considering what he had given me in my life but that’s all part of it aswell isn’t it adjusting mentally/emotionally.
Deep down I think we all just want to be loved after all what else is there but what comes after who knows I used to think life was an adventure now I’m not so sure it’s hard to be hopeful when you are in so much pain but I carry on regardless after all what choice do I have. My name is Karen by the way xx

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Hi,Its 3 weeks now since my husband died and the constant worry of being alone is terrible.I have friends and family but at the end of they day you are alone.
My husband did everything and the paperwork after his death was daunting and I have made many mistakes and scream and shout for my husband to help me.
I go out but rush to get home and lock the door ,He was in and out out off Hospital with the cancer for a year but we talked on the phone all the time and I forget and jump to the phone if it rings.
At first I was relived he had died because he suffered so much but reality set in now and realize I will never see him again…also its hard not being able to tell him little bits of gossip he would have laughted at.
xxSue

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Hi Karen, indeed it is far from simple. It came as a shock when it dawned on me that all the pain is coming from within. Gruelling is a good word for it. But given we are doing this to ourselves why can’t we stop?!

I think a lot of the pain of grief is about wishing you had said or done something different and your letter may well have helped you resolve that. I think most of us take our husbands and wives for granted and don’t thank them enough. In some ways being taken for granted is a sign you are loved and trusted, and have become a secure part of someone’s life. A bit like children take their parents for granted. So I don’t think we need to feel quite as guilty about it as we do.

The pain also comes from making huge adjustments to the way we look at life. Realising your assumptions about life were wrong and reviewing your core beliefs is such a painful process.

One book I read said eventually bereavement and grief will turn us into better human beings. It certainly makes you look at everything about your life and realise what is important and what isn’t. You’re right, we do need to be loved, and also to love too. It’s what we miss most. Take care…

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I agree with you Neil why cant we stop the pain or the never ending thoughts it is so frustrating. I am selling my house but there is a problem with rising damp so I am trying to sort that long distance and the place I am renting is filthy so I am having to organise a deep clean. Normally I would cope with all this but it is making my anxiety even worse.

Have been looking for meditation courses in Farnham as I need to do something.

Anniexxx

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Hi Annie, it sounds like you have a lot on at the moment - moving house can be very stressful. I found an on line guided meditation helpful. It was recommended by Jude on here. The site is self-compassion.org. It might help while you seek out a course. I hope you get the damp and cleaning sorted out without any problems. Best wishes, Neil.

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I agree totally about meditation initially I was able to do it quite a bit but am struggling at the moment but it’s nice just to shut down the mind as I find I go through periods where I get really restless and agitated to almost a panicky feeling which takes my mind to very dark places when I am able to do it I find a calmness for a while which takes the edge off a bit until the next cycle.

It’s ironic isn’t it that when you’re calm, meditation is easy, but when you are agitated and need to calm down it’s impossible to sit still, let alone meditate. I think the advice is to meditate at the same time every day. That way it will become a habit that helps prevent those horrible periods of agitation when you don’t know what to do with yourself. Deep down at the core of your being you know something is horribly wrong, and you desperately want to do something to put it right straight away, but equally you know there’s nothing you can do. I hope we all find peace at the end of our grieving.

Dear Neil, Thanks for the post, I will look at that site and do it before I go to bed. Rang the builder again but he never answers his phone! Will have to ask him if he reallhy wants the job. Hope you are having an ok day. I don’t think we are asking for too much, just a bit of peace of mind.

Best wishes Anniexxx

Thanks Neil I will also look at the web site. I am a bit further along the road but still worry about what I am doing or what will happen in the future. Until I read theses posts I thought I was the only person doing this super human task of worrying about things. I feel it is now the norm and don’t know how to stop it but also feel I need to.

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