Worried about my mum

My dad passed away 3 weeks ago. I went back to work last Monday but I’m getting a bit worried about my mum adapting to life without dad.

She married him in her late teens, so she basically left home, married my dad and now she is having to adapt to bring by herself. She mentioned today that she “just can’t be bothered”. It makes me upset to think that she is sitting in the house struggling. It’s heartbreaking

Hi. Gayle. I’m sorry not to have answered before, but I have just seen your post.
Yes, it is sad when you can only stand by and watch another close one suffer, as no doubt you are. It adds pain to pain.
It’s far too soon for any talk of recovery or relief. Your mum will grieve in her own way and all you can do is stand by her and give her love and help. You are both grieving and your feelings will help you understand your mum’s.
The ‘can’t be bothered’ attitude is so common. We literally can’t be bothered at first. Nothing seems worthwhile without our loved one. Apathy seems to set in.
It’s too early for me to say much more. Your emotions are raw. Stick with the site. I found I had the same attitude at first but it is passing.
Grief is a natural process. It can’t be rushed. Time and more time is the answer.
Bless you and take care of yourself and your mum. Love each other.

I can empathise so much with this. We lost my father in July. My parents were married for 67 years and my mother has never been on her own. She feels there’s no point going on and can’t be bothered to eat. She’s losing weight rapidly. She also struggles to motivate herself to go out. It’s very difficult when you are also dealing with your own grief and the worry about her only exacerbates the feeling of hopelessness. She’s is particularly anxious at night. Heartbreaking as you say. I guess we can only continue to communicate regularly and provide love and support to our respective mothers to help them find some purpose and meaning again. Thinking of you.

Apart from the sheer emotional heartbreak and pain of losing a loved one, in addition to that, grief is mentally and physically draining leaving us totally depleted of energy. The heart, mind, body and soul has been put through trauma and has to learn to heal. They don’t all heal at the same time, so it’s a slow process as we learn to adapt and adjust to the enormity of what has happened. The worse thing about grief is it is an unknown entity and we are not in control.
When we break a leg for an example, we know we have a set process and timetable to follow to heal it. It’s tangible. Grief has no guideline, no timetable and we can’t measure it. All we can do is accept it and do only what we are able and capable of doing at any given moment. There is a panic within grief because in the early stages we have no control over it. All we know is we want the pain to end and feel ‘normal’ again but deep within we are aware that our ‘normal’ has now changed forever. How can we be normal when our life has changed forever. We find a new ‘normal’ but it all takes time and a willingness to reach a place of acceptance because we cannot fight grief. It is not the enemy, it is our comfort. It comes from love and teaches us gratitude, compassion for others who walk in our shoes and reminds us of how much love we shared with our loved one and all what they meant to us and to feel a deep sense of being blessed having known them. Above all grief is the biggest teacher of how short our life is on earth
Love to all


Hi Gayle

My Dad passed away on 23rd July. My mum and dad had been together for 50 years. It is absolutely heartbreaking to see her in so much pain.

It is the heartache and powerlessness all over again when dad was suffering and we couldn’t do anything to stop it.

Sending love and prayers to you and your mum x