Worse 20 weeks on ….

Hi everyone

My husband, Ian, passed away nearly 20 weeks ago now and my grief seems to be getting worse not ‘better’.
I miss him so much that I’m more tearful as the days go by. The future just seems bleaker and bleaker.

Even taking one day at a time doesn’t help as even if I’m busy, I’m thinking of Ian and that he shouldn’t have died.
I really wish it had been me instead.

We were told a year and had only 7 weeks. His end was sudden and unexpected as he passed away the morning he was due to come home from hospital . At one point the paramedics had actually transferred him onto a trolley to take him to the ambulance. He became so agitated that he had to be put back in his bed and he passed away about 45 minutes later.

I’m having counselling and I know I should be stronger by now but I just can’t.

Love to everyone on here,

Julie x

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Hi, my husband also passed away the morning he was due to come hone, we were told 2-4 months, he lasted 5 days, so i understand how shocked you are.

I don’t think we can ever prepare for the shock of losing them & I still find it hard to comprehend,I spoke with the hospital staff later & said how comes he died when you said 2-4 months?? They said they can’t exactly tell, death is still a mystery to them, I feel they should have said 2-4 months but it could realistically happen anytime, maybe it would have helped me more to understand better.

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I think you’re right it does get worse maybe because reality sets in that this is it, the best it’s ever going to be and the sheer emptiness forever but there has to be something surely a small chink of light some hope for the future for all of us hugs xx

My husband died of a heart attack, very suddenly. Because he was at home there had to be a post Mortem. He had very bad heart disease and when I discussed the results with Martins doctor, he said Martin had really been living on a knife edge, unknown to us all, and I could have lost him months earlier.

When I relay this information to family, I’m amazed how many have said, so you were lucky to have had him as long as you have!!

No, I wasn’t lucky!! …… you’re the lucky ones, going back home to your other halves :rage:

Dee xxx


After 20 weeks, to the day in fact, I still can’t imagine a future without Ian. The first thing I did when I woke up was to turn as if to ask him a question. I’ve been crying ever since.

I wish I could see some light at the end of a very, dark and lonely tunnel but I can’t. I did ask my counsellor if I should by now and she just replied that everyone is different and that there is no time limit on grieving.

She doesn’t think I’m depressed and I don’t want to go on anti depressants anyway. I think it would be letting Ian down in a way and so I just get in my car and drive to one of our favourite haunts and this is where I am now. I often sit here for hours just reading and letting my day pass by.

As you all know on this site, grieving is such overwhelming pain and sorrow that unless you’ve experienced it, you can never understand how debilitating it is.

Take care everyone,

Julie x

I know how you feel. I was talking with a close friend and she started telling me about a mutual acquaintance and the bad year she was having- boyfriend left, mother poorly etc. She then realised what she’d said and tried to backtrack.

My sister tells me to be more tolerant as people don’t mean to be hurtful.

I’m trying……

X Julie

What a lovely email address you have!

All the hospital staff were shocked that Ian passed away so suddenly. I just can’t come to terms with the fact that he was coming home and then he just passed away. My counsellor has offered to arrange a meeting between myself and a member of staff but there’s no way I could face that at the moment.

She also said that losing Ian that way was like losing someone to a car accident- no warning or time to prepare.

I think I was in a state of shock for several months and am only now facing up to what has happened. I’m not doing well really in that respect ………

X Julie


When I got to the hospital and was told my husband had died my response was “what do you mean”? Followed by “are you sure?”

For a long time I couldn’t understand what had happened, I didn’t think he’d actually die at all so to be confronted with it suddenly sent me into a total spin.

I’m 2.5 years in now & coping ok, doing all the normal things, I laugh & enjoy good times etc… still have sad times though & down days & times of not understanding where he has gone, but these are no way near as severe as they were in the early days & I know they pass.

Only recently I did meet with a panel at the hospital made up of consultants & nurses/matron, I had a list of questions that I couldn’t settle in my head, I got my answers & I feel a lot better for it, it made me feel by getting these answers I’d done the last thing I could in his name, it took me over 2 years to set up this meeting I couldn’t have done it sooner.

I remember back to 20 weeks & I was nothing like I am now so rest assured the shock will let go of you to function better.

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Hello Dee
My husband also died suddenly from a heart attack 12 weeks ago. He was fit and playing squash 3 times a week. He had no symptoms. He simply went to sleep and never woke up
People also tell me I was lucky to have him for 16 years but I feel cheated of the future and plans we had. And as you say, the lucky ones are those who still have a loved one to come home to.


It’s so hard to understand. Like you I feel very sad and angry because our future has disappeared in one second.
We should have had a least another 20 years together.
I don’t want to spend the next years without him

Sending you hugs
Dee xx

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Hi Dee
That’s exactly how I feel. We should have had another 20 or 30 years. Why does a healthy man, full of life die in his sleep from a heart condition that we had no idea about? I hear of so many people who have had heart attacks but gone on to live full lives.
I can’t understand why him. It’s so unfair I just can’t believe it.

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A similar situation for my darling husband died at home next to me in bed. Despite my efforts to revive him and the paramedics he didn’t make it. The post mortem showed undetected heart disease and he felt no pain, he never regained consciousness and died on our bedroom floor. The shock to us all has been immense. My two sons especially the younger one has really struggled and as a family we have lost a lovely caring man who held us altogether. We need each other now more than ever before and although it’s been almost 8 months the pain and torture goes on. We take each day as it comes. Some are hideous some are more bearable but I imagine the loss and pain we are feeling will go on forever. I have to push myself through life for our sons and their children. I have promised myself not to be a burden and will carry on, hopefully feel a little stronger each day to face this nightmare I believe I will never wake up from.


Hi @Georgie15
There really are no words to describe the pain and sadness from such a traumatic experience. Like you I just push through each day mainly drowning out my thoughts with mindless tv watching or obsessive cleaning.
This isn’t how I thought life would be. Now I don’t know what to do with myself
I pray you continue to gain a bit more strength each day In fact I hope we all do

Another morning !sleepless night! endless thinking ! Sadness !! Can it really be like this now forever ? I realise there is nothing that can help me it’s an endurance ! can I bear it ? I don’t know !! so many thoughts what is it all about ? Waiting it seems but what for ?
Better get up and take the dog out, I thank god for the dog, blank it all out and act like I’m ok then come home and sit and wait Groundhog Day !! Hugs to everyone who is suffering the same fate