Would anyine like to connect?

Hi, i’m quite new to this. Would be good to find somelne to chat to every now again. Grief is so lonely and consuming. Feels soothing to be around people who get it… x

4 Likes

Hi Jodie,
Hope you are doing as well as can be expected. I’ve recently lost my mum and I’m struggling daily. As awful as it may seem, it does feel easier knowing that someone else is going through the same feelings as you. If you need to chat I’m here xx

Evening. Losing a parent is tough. It brings so many emotions… its a special relationship and it involves our memories and feelings all our lives until we lose them. Xxx

1 Like

I lost my mum at 6am on February 1st. She’d been in hospital since December 17th (day after her brother and sisters came to celebrate her 83rd birthday at a belated party).

So much happened between those two dates that I wish with all my heart I could change.

I’ve actually brought her home for a week (she’s being interred with my dad). She’s in her bedroom, and I chat to her a lot… but the guilt has got more crippling

Hello Morgana
Missing them hurts. I still speak to my family. I feel they hear me. You say you your parent came to stay with you for a while. That must have been very precious to you both. You sound so loving and caring.
After losing such important people we can go through those last memories in minute detail. Often feeling guilt for events we couldn’t change, and feelings and even words exchanged. I know.
You showed your parent love in those closing time. If you didnt love then you wouldn’t feel guilt. Try also to remember your parent love for you too.
X

1 Like

Thank you for your kind words.

Mum and I pretty much always lived together. Dad was a lot older and passed in 1995, so it was just me and her.

I had to have her admitted to hospital three times, and for a retired nurse she was terrified of them. Perhaps she knew too much. This last time was the worst, and I wish I’d done more because she really suffered.

She repeatedly told me she hated me, that I’d got what I wanted, the flat to myself and not having to care for her.

We managed to get her into a wonderful nursing home for what turned out to be her last three days. Two days before she passed my brother and I were sitting with her, she couldn’t speak but she glared at me with fury whenever I was in her line of sight.

There’s so many things I would have done differently; things I wouldn’t have said or done, but it’s too late for what ifs now.

please don’t let the guilt monster in. It sounds like you had many good years with your mother.
I am paralysed with guilt as i did not move in with my mum in what turned out to be her last six months. She was in a hospital and NH for her last six weeks and I was with her every day to her last breath. All too late.
dont focus on the what ifs , remember all the good shared times.

The Saturday before she was transferred to the nursing home was the last time she spoke to me. She was in the same dress she’d had on the previous weekend (I was doing her washing and I hadn’t had it for a week), she was in tears, saying she had a migraine and a sore bottom. They told her they couldn’t do anything to help her until her named nurse came back from her break!

Gets admitted to the nursing home and they are so horrified at her condition they take photos; three pressure sores on her sacrum, one in her ear, covered in bruises and suffering from oral thrush!

If I’d known I would have caused merry hell that Saturday. I feel like I let her down, I didn’t protect her. We’ve made a formal complaint, but that won’t take away the hell she went through.

I can never make that right for her.

She was in their care you made sure that she was in the right place to be looked after, was she transferred from a CH or a hospital?
You could not have done any more you trusted them and they failed in their duty of care.
My mum was at home and I failed her , as I should have moved in with her or placed her in a home or put 27/7 care in earlier, She had carers twice a day and my sister daily and i was there at the weekends. but she got an infection and had a fall, the carers found her in the morning. she was admitted to hospital, no injuries from the fall but her dementia went into overdrive, when she was admitted she was mobile and eating and drinking, she was assessed by the memory clinic consultant in her own home at the end of Jan and they were happy that she was not a danger to herself.
she died on the 26th of April.
I should have moved in with her last October, i live three hours away, but there were no barriers (my son is at uni) and i was looking for a part time job . I failed to make her last months better for her.
So we all feel it, your is completely unfounded , they failed her not you. xx
I am paralysed with the guilt and cannot contemplate going back to work.
Mum spent her last five weeks in a NH I was with her every day and had to fight her corner every step of the way, it should not be that way.
You did everything you could

Hi Jodie , Sorry to read your recent post, i would like to offer my company also to your posting if you want to share.
Maybe i could even bring a tiny smile , i will try my best.
I can be witty, and of course sensitive.
I am here for you anytime.
Take Care, bless you
Hugs x
Col

It sounds like you did everything you could too :heart:

Morning.
I see your post. Sweetheart you did everything you could. The care , or lack of it wasn’t your fault.
I know hospital care for our loved ones of a certain age not good. I had the same with my parent. You got her out of there. I know short time but you did to a caring place.
My parent was not treated well either. Nurses too busy to pick her up from hanging out if bed. Eg. My parent managed somehow to text help. Just help. I got there asap. Still hour journey, plus 3 hours from when she fell. Still there on my arrival.
Other things happened. This small example
Thankfully got her to hospice…where she had volunteered for years. Sue Ryder. They were shocked and amazing. The person who had been so physically active and out in many hours. Had lost even the ability to move herself in bed, and feed herself.
Then she came home to me bedridden.
You can only hope. Well expect the hospital to look after our loved ones. I lost my eldest bro in hospital. Thankfully they seemed to care. His wife not have him home. My ex not have him wirh us. My youngest bro. Spent 6 mnths fighting to live in hospital after major surgery that failed. I lived in his room. I had two breaks away. The last return he fell out with me that id left him. He never spoke to me again. The guilt yes i know the guilt.
But you like me tried. We loved, love them. If we didn’t we wouldn’t have been there. We wouldn’t be hurting so.
I try to grasp they know we loved them. That may be the anger to us, was because they felt safe enough to express… but KNOW we would stil be there/come back. In a very frightening time for them. They could strike out knowing they were loved … by us.
My other parent died long time ago. Have issues there too. But again we can not control all things in our life. How other relatives are, our partners, our jobs, our commitments, our belief that medically they are receiving the best care.
I have gulit too. In all my family end of life time/care. And after. Relationships are also very complex.
However i see and feel in your writing your love for your mom. Your mom must have felt this too.
Another thought at this message of support is also hospital do not just let you take your loved ones out either. I know.
Please keep in contact.
I still talk everyday to my family… not all day , but every day. Gentle hugs. Here for you.x

Hi totally get where you are lost my Dad & also myself, really struggling. Chin up hopefully we can get through this? Keep telling myself my Dad would want me to enjoy the rest of my time!

Thank you all for your kind words of support, they are much appreciated.

Her ashes are currently in her bedroom. She is being interred with my dad on Saturday. Once we’ve reunited them and dealt with the hospital, hopefully things will get better :heart:

Yes please x

things will slowly get better, just give yourself time.

Hi Jodie

Sending some hugs your way and hope you are doing ok. I am always around if you want to chat please pop me a wee message over. Be gentle on you and take care x

Wishing you love and peace for Saturday x

Thank you :heart:

Ridiculous thing to worry about today - sleeves or sleeveless?