It is four long weeks now since my husband died. We had been a couple for 35 years and I cannot believe how awful I feel. If anyone mentions his name I burst into tears. I cannot talk about him. I ache all over and feel so tense. Worst of all is the lack of sleep. I struggle to fall asleep and when I do, I only manage 2 hours at a time. The one time that I managed 4 hours I had an awful nightmare about the awful time when he was in hospital last year.
I hate going to the doctors but I am wondering he/she might be able to help me particularly with the sleep. I donāt want to be given tablets that will turn me into a zombie in the daytime or affect my ability to drive. I also think that āTalking Therapyā is a waste of time (past experience).
I donāt want to waste the doctorās time. Do you think that I would be? Should I give it more time first? Also I donāt think that I could cope with an unsympathetic doctor.
Iām so sorry you are having such a hard time since your husbandās death. I know that is hard because my husband of 30 years died in 2024. Itās difficult to cope with such a sad change in our lives. Your not sleeping is concerning. Perhaps you should see a doctor. You are not wasting his time. He does get paid for seeing you. It hasnāt been too long since you lost your husband. I remember it does take time for life to get even close to anything ānormalā. What helped me the most was prayer. God is there for us. Just talk to him like heās your best friend and he is! You donāt have to go to church to find God although church is very nice.
If you need to talk I have plenty of time. Iāll say a prayer for you. Things will get better!
It really is early days for you , there a lot of us on here who donāt sleep as well as they did before they lost there partner it is 6 months since I lost my husband suddenly to a cardiac arrest. In the first few months I went to see my GP every month . He didnāt prescribe anything as I said what I was feeling was normal in grief. He just listened to me and let me talk. All GP are different, just like we are all different in how we cope with grief. I would go and see your GP , I am sure they will be able to help you. Have you considered bereavement counselling, and bereavement cafes . Sending you a hug
You wouldnāt be wasting the doctorās time, sometimes they will prescribe a short term sedative. Sleep disturbance is very common especially in early grief. Iām six months in and although I sleep a bit better now l waken fairly early in the morning.. I m sorry for your loss, grief is relentless, everyone on this site understands. Our common denominator is that weāve lost someone we loved. Losing a spouse/partner is one of the heaviest burdens to carry. I hope you have support from family or friends. Take care, keep posting, it definitely helps to give validity to your feelings.
@Stealaway
I am so sorry for your loss and the grief you are now suffering.
I donāt think you would be wasting the doctorās time if you think it might help, but if it didnāt at least that possibility would be off your mind.
I didnāt seek help from the doctor after I lost my wife in December 2024 because I felt I needed time to work things out for myself. We had been married 48 years, and feel she took part of me with her. Life will never be the same again so I am looking for ways of living with my new situation rather than āmoving onā.
Personally I find a spiritual approach comforting. I have strong belief in an afterlife and find the many accounts of Near Death Experiences reassuring. My first concern when my wife died was that she was in a safe place and my spiritual belief gave me that certainty.
I know the four weeks since you lost your husband seem like an age but it is very early days. When you lose your soulmate you want instant solutions to your despair. Everyone on this website tells you to take it easy and be kind to yourself. Concentrate on what absolutely must be done, anything else can wait. Try to eat regularly, drink plenty of water and, if possible, get some sleep even if itās just a midday nap. Gradually life will fall into a new pattern which you will be able to live with. I hesitate to say a new ānormalā because life is still far from normal for me. You will survive because we are designed to survive.
Someone once said the first stage of grief is to learn to love yourself and that certainly applies to me. After my wife died I hated myself because in some ridiculous way I felt I didnāt deserve to keep her and was being punished. Iām coming to terms with that now but it is a painfully slow process.
Take good care of yourself. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
You are not wasting a doctorās time. Some of the symptoms of grief may be seen as ānormalā but they are very bad for our health! I am going to see my GP to get something for the tachycardia Iāve been having since my husband of 35 years died 5 weeks ago. Iāve also been using nytol which doesnāt need a prescription and is not addictive since my husbandās passing and that way I manage to get enough sleep almost every night
Thank you for your replies everyone. I have made a request for a non urgent appointment online (first time Iāve done that) as I am finding it much easier to communicate by writing than talking and I thought I might burst into tears while trying to make an appointment on the phone.
The surgery have made me a face to face appointment with a nurse practitioner for 4.30pm.
Well done you @Stealaway. Just a thought, but why not write down in advance what you want to say to the nurse practitioner ? that way you can be confident that youāve got what you need to communicate ready to hand and donāt need to worry if you break down and cry because youāve got the key points right there.
Medics donāt like giving you help for sleep because so many are addictive, but one thing which sometimes works is to ask for e.g. just five pills to help you get back a more stable pattern of sleep. If you ask for it that way they are I think more likely to give you something to help your sleep.
I know oh so well the physical ache of grief - a combination of the result of being tense and the plain ache of unhappiness. I wouldnāt totally rule out talking therapy. Itās not going to make everything better - nothing can - but being able to dump how you are feeling on someone who wonāt get upset and is there to listen can sometimes help get a few things off your chest. I have very few people I can talk to about my loved one (two - both if whom have their own troubles) so at least I can talk about her and how wonderful she was with the counsellor. Hugs. J
Yes, I am awake early but I have just had about 6 hours of uninterrupted, nightmare free sleep. Amazing!
I attended my appointment with the nurse practitioner yesterday afternoon. There is a table in the waiting room where there are always secondhand books for sale, in aid of a charity. (I have donated boxes full in the past.) Out of habit I went to have a root around. There was a book by one of my sisterās favourite authors. We have similar taste in books, thrillers, mysteries, crime, etc, so I texted her. She hasnāt read it, so I purchased it.
I then got called in to my appointment. The nurse practitioner was very nice. She had been out to visit my husband on more than one occasion in his last few weeks. She gave me a choice of having either some just sleeping tablets or some anti depressants. I took the choice of just sleeping tablets, which I can just take as and when I think I need them, with the option to try something else later if needed. I was hoping that if I can get a few decent nights sleep, then I can face the days with less tears.
Later, I started reading the bookā¦ curled up in bed. The tablets were handy, ready to take later. I fell asleep after a couple of hundred pages. No tablet! No nightmares! Joy!
After about six hours of uninterrupted bliss I have awakened. I think Iāll go make coffee and then find out what happens next. Thereās about another 250 pages of book to goā¦
I cannot believe the difference a few hours of proper sleep has made.
I might need the tablets another night, or maybe not, but I am so glad that I went to the doctors surgery to ask for help.
Glad you went to the doctors , the sleeping tablets are they if you feel you need . I find reading my kindle before I go to bed helps me sleep. I also got some sleeping stones for Motherās Day . Which seem to be helping me sleep. Look after yourself
You would not be wasting the doctors time, if you need to go, go. I have been seeing my doctor roughly once a month, since Sue went ahead. Thatās 14 months, it has helped me, I got given antidepressants, but have not used them, my choice. I got counselling which also helped. Itās good to be able to talk to someone in a safe place. We are all different so what might work for one might not work for the other, but itās worth a try.
So sorry for your loss. X. Well done on contacting the doctor for help. When my dad died I just plodded on, only had two days off work as I thought that was the best thing to do. Almost three years down the line Iām a complete mess. Saw a nurse yesterday and she signed me off for a month saying I must now give myself time to grieve. I feel so relieved now that Iāve finally told someone how Iām feeling. I think someone else has said write down what you want to say at your appointment and thatās definitely a good idea. Donāt hold back explaining how you are feeling, donāt feel silly if you cry either. Itās good to let your emotions out. I hope you find the help you need x
I can understand your feelings of being punished. I wasnāt there for the last two days of my partnerās life. He died suddenly six months ago. Instead I was sorting out a flat for my niece and came back to find him lying in the kitchen. The feelings of guilt have never left me and I donāt think they ever will. I keep on thinking I might have been able to start CPR if Iād been there. The early months after his death were bad but I feel Iāve made no progress six months down the line.
I have also worked through the what ifs - but in the end concluded that a) she might not have survived anyway b) she might have survived but terribly unwell and likely to suffer c) in her very own words āI have to die of somethingā. I also know she wanted me to be happy and to live a happy life. The last bit Iām not there yet, but not through guilt of what ifs (I have managed to put those to bed) but because I am still grieving sorely. J
Hi lovely grief takes time. Iām still processing my own. Speaking to your doctor definitely is not a waste of time. They may give you advice. I agree talking therapy doesnāt really work. Iām not sure how to help you but sending warm wishes and may God Bless you. Feel free to reply if you want to
I recognise everything you said Iāve felt the same after the death of my husband of 40 years. Your dilemma of the Doctors.
I didnāt want to medicate the grief it needs to come out .
BUT
The lack of sleep:rest was making my emotions much more difficult to cope with. So I eventually went explained and I tried some sleeping medication for a few weeks , then weaned myself off .
I think there is a time and place for outside help and death of a life partner is overwhelming.
