Hi I’ve had the year from hell. On the 27,1,2017 I woke up for work to find my soulmate of 12 years not breathing, after paramedics worked on him for what seemed like hours there was nothing they could do, he had passed away from heart disease, which he had no clue he had. He was fit and healthy and was at work the day before it was the biggest shock and I was heartbroken since then 2 of my uncles have passed with cancer and my son who is 15 lost his grandma to ms. I thought things couldn’t get any worse. In October I was diagnosed with breast cancer I’m only 35 and I’m at present undergoing chemotherapy I’ve lost my hair and handling the diagnosis really well I’m positive. But sometimes feel like there is no normality left in my life. I’m dreading Christmas but have to try and make it special for my son.
I have been looking at these posts for the last few weeks. Especially those from Sheila and Eileen as we all have so much in common. I felt I had to reply when I read your story as I too am in a complete mess thinking life couldn’t get any worse
- but it did.
In August life was fine, very busy, very stressful but normal. First week of September it started - I found the first lump. Immediately I plunged into a state of panic, anxiety and stress. My husband Geoff was worried but so supportive. He kept distracting me taking me out to our favourite places and being there for me. We have been married 32 years but been together for 40. One night in October he went to bed and like your soulmate he didn’t wake up. We too had spent the day together going out and it came as a real shock. I had to close our family run business that night. I also received a phone call to say one of our best friends had died unexpectedly the same day.
Some days I feel like I am going mad. I used to be so organised now I keep forgetting things and find it really difficult to get motivated to do anything. I have been going to hospital appointments - crying uncontrollably and having panic attacks.
I was amazed at you saying you are positive (and the fact that you are only 35). I wish I could feel like that. I have been diagnosed with Lymphoma and put on Watch & Wait (a reprieve for a few months). I am terrified of the treatment and astounded at your courage in dealing with this.
Like you I am dreading Christmas but trying to keep it together for my two sons who are a bit older than yours.
Just wanted to say thank you for posting - you are not alone. I will try and follow your example and adopt a more positive outlook.
Sending you hugs
Everyone is surprised how positive I am being. I really don’t know where the strength had come from but it has. My biggest issue at the minute is the fact I have had to go on the sick from work. I’m a care assistant and since loosing my partner it has been my salvation as I work 12 hour shifts, I think it’s the fact at work I’m out of the house which is filled with memories and I’m with my co workers which are really close friends, it’s such a busy job and it’s my only normality. I am really sorry to hear your story life really is cruel at times xx
Yes, giving up work is also a loss. Like you I had a very busy job working days and sometimes evenings. It gave structure to the day. I ran my life by the clock - always had to be there and do something at a certain time. Now there’s no reason to get up early - there’s things I could do but no motivation. I miss my life which has disappeared. People tell me to take time for myself but that is such an alien concept to me. I have always been there for others. I’m hoping that the New Year will give me the push I need to ‘get going’. I have found a book called Grief Recovery which is supposed to help you get through loss of any kind. So I’m hoping that may help.
Take care of yourself.