It’s ‘almost’ a year since my life changed forever. Since I got up one morning in total disbelief. Since I lived through those disbelief days. Since I lived through those barely functioning days. Since I lived through those robotic like days. Since I lived through those coping days. Moving on to those realisation days. Realisation days are the days I continue to remain in. I don’t mention ‘acceptance’ on purpose. I don’t accept my gorgeous and amazing man has gone. I don’t ever want to accept THAT. No, I certainly don’t. I don’t do that because as true as I’m here typing this post, the truth also is that he didn’t go anywhere. Obviously I carry him for always in my heart and my soul, in my mind too but, those things aside I feel him, I hear him in my head, he advises me, supports me, helps me and gives me so, so often the desire and strength to continue my life for myself and for him also! How then could I ever accept he has gone. Gone from my sight in a physical presence yes, but that’s about it. For the rest he hasn’t gone anywhere. So, I’ll pass on the acceptance days completely. I’ll stay right here living the realisation times!
I’m just like the rest of you in that some days it’s all a blur, something that happened only yesterday and, at other times it seems so long ago.
I miss him. Everything about him I miss. Of course I do. Desperately. I always will (that I do ‘accept’) but in the physical presence only, which is bad enough. Thankfully he really does remain with me in everything I do, every decision I make and wherever I go
I won’t say it gets easier, not in my opinion at least, it just becomes a way of life. A life that I never imagined nor wanted but a life all the same.
I was always a strong person and I guess I still am, I am though quite different in lots of ways too. I don’t particularly want the ‘other me’ back because what I am now is clearly what I am supposed to be and I am clearly at the stage in my life that I’m supposed to be at. I think all that happens to each of us in our lives, the good and not so good, is all part of the big plan set out for us. Consequently, I’ll continue to go with the flow of whatever comes my way (kicking and screaming sometimes I admit). I’ll do that trusting and believing that the journey I’m walking is the journey with my name on it. I have hope and faith that sooner or later I will be at the final hurdle and at that point I will be exactly where I want to be, back in the arms of my amazing man. Until then I’ll continue to grit my teeth and live on for him and for me the best way that I can. He would expect nothing less
Patience is a skill (I don’t have any). Perseverance is an art (I have that in abundance)
With that thought in my mind…let’s see what year two brings
Love to you all x