It’s ‘almost’ a year since my life changed forever. Since I got up one morning in total disbelief. Since I lived through those disbelief days. Since I lived through those barely functioning days. Since I lived through those robotic like days. Since I lived through those coping days. Moving on to those realisation days. Realisation days are the days I continue to remain in. I don’t mention ‘acceptance’ on purpose. I don’t accept my gorgeous and amazing man has gone. I don’t ever want to accept THAT. No, I certainly don’t. I don’t do that because as true as I’m here typing this post, the truth also is that he didn’t go anywhere. Obviously I carry him for always in my heart and my soul, in my mind too but, those things aside I feel him, I hear him in my head, he advises me, supports me, helps me and gives me so, so often the desire and strength to continue my life for myself and for him also! How then could I ever accept he has gone. Gone from my sight in a physical presence yes, but that’s about it. For the rest he hasn’t gone anywhere. So, I’ll pass on the acceptance days completely. I’ll stay right here living the realisation times!
I’m just like the rest of you in that some days it’s all a blur, something that happened only yesterday and, at other times it seems so long ago.
I miss him. Everything about him I miss. Of course I do. Desperately. I always will (that I do ‘accept’) but in the physical presence only, which is bad enough. Thankfully he really does remain with me in everything I do, every decision I make and wherever I go
I won’t say it gets easier, not in my opinion at least, it just becomes a way of life. A life that I never imagined nor wanted but a life all the same.
I was always a strong person and I guess I still am, I am though quite different in lots of ways too. I don’t particularly want the ‘other me’ back because what I am now is clearly what I am supposed to be and I am clearly at the stage in my life that I’m supposed to be at. I think all that happens to each of us in our lives, the good and not so good, is all part of the big plan set out for us. Consequently, I’ll continue to go with the flow of whatever comes my way (kicking and screaming sometimes I admit). I’ll do that trusting and believing that the journey I’m walking is the journey with my name on it. I have hope and faith that sooner or later I will be at the final hurdle and at that point I will be exactly where I want to be, back in the arms of my amazing man. Until then I’ll continue to grit my teeth and live on for him and for me the best way that I can. He would expect nothing less
Patience is a skill (I don’t have any). Perseverance is an art (I have that in abundance)
With that thought in my mind…let’s see what year two brings
Oh my goodness, your words refer to so many of us. Beautiful and so full of truths and realisation for our futures. I can’t add any thing to what you have written, I won’t even try but you have brought a tear to my eyes. Not of sadness so much but your words about the acceptance that we must now go through and that our loved ones are always with us. I too am going into my second year.
I do like the bit about Patience and Perseverance, are you sure you’re not writing about me, that’s me to a T.
Yesterday when visiting my allotment I was upset by the damage I found caused by such high winds. Things damaged including a large walk in cage that had blown away and was broken. I had help to get it back to my plot and then tried to mend it single handed. Not knowing where to start I was in tears as Brian would have known what to do and I needed him. Last night I wrote in my journal and asked Brian to at least show me what to do. Today I arrived a the allotment gates to find a robin sat there waiting for me. My Brian had come as far as I was concerned and I started on the repairs. It will be hard going but if I know he’s there with me then I will cope somehow and do the best a woman can.
Thank you so much.
Pat xxxx
Hi, Oh I’m that alright and determined to learn to accept my life as it is now. I have always believed that things do happen in your life and you have to accept them.
After two unhappy marriages and declaring that I will never go through that again. I had my independence, my own house (no mortgage) and a decent job and then by chance and last minute decision I decided to go out one night to somewhere I had never been to before. I walked in and just after me in walked Brian, dressed in jeans and a black shirt. We became friends as neither of us wanted marriage, no way. Nine months later we was married !!! and I was lucky to have thirty years of a happy marriage with a lovely man. So that chance outing was meant to be. How did I even come to the area my husband lived. I was visiting relatives while fighting a bitter divorce. I had an accident and broke my arm, couldn’t drive home. I eventually decided to stay for good and five years later met my Brian. Again it was meant to be.
I now try to accept that Brian has moved on, gone through another door. I have been left behind and do moan at him about this. But I have to learn to accept that he is now in a better place than he certainly was at the end. But is it the end, and what does the future hold now for either of us.
I have had visitations from Brian and he looks fit and well so I have to hope that he is being well looked after. My acceptance is not so easy to come to terms with but like you I will go with flow, certainly kicking and screaming at times but with the acceptance it is meant for me.
Before Brian died he said he would always be looking after me still and I have to believe he will keep his word.
God bless
Pat xxx
A whirl wind Pat. I had one of those too many years ago. We met in May, moved in together in August and married in October. all the same year I put the man from delmonti to shame. I said yes in May, yes in August and a big fat YES in October.
Some say I know my own mind. I say, they’re right. The best decisions of my life, without exception
Thank you for your post, it’s amazing what you’ve written , as your words are my thoughts exactly. It’s a year tomorrow since my life changed forever after 40 years of love laughter and security my life as I knew it was shattered. I’m lucky to have my wonderful sons and 2 grandchildren. However feel so alone and numb. I keep going a day , month now year at a time! I know Paul is with me , in my heart forever guiding me through this dreadful journey. I was going to try to put a post on tonight to share my feelings after my first year however after reading yours it mirrors everything I’m feeling.
Thank you.
Love to everyone on this site at whatever stage of the journey you are
Ang xx
I’m approaching the end of year 2 and very much relate to your post. Particularly your closing words, and like you I’ve always been strong, but been well tested since my husband’s sudden and traumatic passing. But I also feel that’s what everyone of us discovers, that from somewhere we find strength. I know my husband remains close to me and is proud of every step I take
Dear CW, I have reread your post several times in the hope that I can come up with a worthy response. It is so brilliant and apt that I’m afraid I have failed to do just that. Even after two and a half years, everything you write is still applicable for me and no doubt, for many others.
You’re right CW, it doesn’t become any easier but I like how you term it ‘a way of life’. That’s exactly what it has become. It’s very different and not the life I was expecting at all nor is it the life I want, but it’s the life I’ve been left with so I have no choice but to live it. AND I WILL LIVE IT to the best of my ability, albeit with a longing for the physical presence of my man.
Dear CW, you have completed your first year with a strength and determination your husband would be proud of. Go forth into your second year with more of the same. It’s crap admittedly but you can do it, we can do it…
Sending love
Thank you Kate and yes…it’s crap
We don’t want to disappoint them though do we! So do you know what, we won’t. We WILL live our best life, with the circumstances we are left with, from here to eternity…
Dear cw13
It has been 14months since I lost Dave my husband of 52yrs and you are right it is hard but you live and manager even sometimes enjoy the company of friends or family at birthdays etc., but the problem is we are always going home to a empty house and have not one to laugh or complaining about the evening with. It is the little things which is the hardest to deal with like if I was late in Dave would always put the light on outside for me, and make me a cup of tea. I think about Dave everyday We must realise our life will never be the same again but we must try and make a differant type of life. Lots of Hugs Queenie
I put the man from delmonti to shame. I said yes in May, yes in August and a big fat YES in October.
