I lost my husband of 9 years to suicide in January. Him and I were such a team, best friends, soul mates. He was 34. This is the most painful thing ever; my worst nightmare came true. It feels like a complete shock even though he was suffering for a long time. I guess the shock comes from experiencing his absence.
Does anyone else struggle to hear the words “you’ll be fine” or “you’re going to be alright”? I know people have good intentions when they say this. But I feel quite offended/insulted by it, even though I’m usually thick-skinned when it comes to things others say to me. Since losing my husband, when someone tells me “you’ll be fine”, it makes me feel angry and upset. I feel as though they are undermining and belittling the depth of my grief, the strength of our love, the extensive life experiences we shared, and not least the trauma associated with his death.
Of course, I understand that it’s hard for some people to know what to say to me in my situation, and I know that people are just trying to comfort me. I have patience for this, and I do appreciate their efforts. I also realise that perhaps being in my 30’s makes some feel the need to reassure me that my life is likely to change and improve in the future and that I’ll “move on”. I get it - but it feels like there are expectations being set for me to eventually adopt a new way of life with a positive attitude, largely because I’m a “young widow”. I’m just not ready for even entertaining the thought of a life without my soul mate, and can’t see any possibility for that in the future. I just don’t have the ability to conceive a life without him, and maybe I never will. What’s frustrating is it feels like others are prescribing how my life will likely turn out now that my husband is gone. It feels inconsiderate and insensitive. Maybe I will never be “fine”.
Hope I’m not being silly or selfish here… I really do understand that they’re just trying to help provide comfort in their own way. Does anyone else feel this sort of frustration when they hear those words?
People are trying to be nice. They realise how hard it is for you, especially under your circumstances and age. They dont know how to comfort you, but at least are trying.
In truth there’s nothing they can say to comfort us: They cant bring our soulmates back for us.
You have to believe that some day you will be fine.
Its 8wks tomorrow since my wife died and ive found the only person who can sort my life is me. I know ill get through this : i have to.
Plantman - Thank you for your response. I’m so sorry you’ve lost your wife. You’re right, at least they are trying. I need to hold onto that. And remind myself that nothing will be perfect or sufficient because nothing will bring back my husband. I guess I’m just surprised sometimes by my feelings in response to what others say. Thank you xx
I’m sorry you have had to join this forum, but it helps to exchange stuff with other people suffering the same, I lost my wife 12 weeks ago, most people have been ok, some have already suggested I should get over it and move on!! I’m lucky in that I have a good support network that helps me, there is a book that was suggested to me that has helped me, “It’s OK that you’re NOT OK” by Megan Divine. It is well worth a read, I admit I struggled to read it to begin with, but that was my emotional state of mind and lack of ability to read anything for more than 5 mins, but I got through it and then read it again, it explains a lot about what we are going through as well as how people try and be helpful but get it wrong or just don’t understand how much we are hurting deep inside.
Oh Coriander my heart is broken for you. You know, it’s ok if you feel you’ll never be “fine” again. I know most of us here are struggling with such profound grief, its inconceivable we’ll ever feel fine again. Our pain is so raw. I hope we will all find the peace in our hearts to carry on and I wish this for you too my lovely.
It’s been nearly fourteen weeks since my partner passed away and I didn’t think I would be able to get through the grief Ann’s two daughters from her first marriage have been a nightmare trying to blame me for Ann passing away she had COPD and long Covid and because I don’t have any friends or family I tried to take my own life and ended up in the mental health hospital and they said in time I’ll be fine with loosing her and given time I will find things easier but this is the first time in thirty years I’ve been on my own and I don’t know if it’s going to get better I know Ann’s daughter’s are grieving but they are not thinking about what they are doing to me I’m not sure if I ever will be fine but I’m taking it one day at a time and thinking about Ann not wanting me to do anything silly is keeping me going
Dear Boo2, I’m so very sorry to hear about your devastating loss, and the stress caused by others on top of your grief. It sounds truly awful, but it’s amazing that you’ve already made progress in your journey with grief. I really hope you can continue to find ways to look after yourself and get the help you need to keep your own health in check. Thank you for reminding me also to take things one day at a time. I agree that our partners would want us to be gentle and kind to ourselves. We are all in this together. Thank you for sharing and encouraging me. I hope you can find good company in neighbours or some new friends. Sending you strength.
saying you will be fine is not an insult, because at the end of the day you will be fine. i lost my hubby in 2022, after the initial what the F am i going to do, i have got on with it. i have sorted out my money, sorting out the house, loving the fact i can do what i want when i want. yes i miss him him every day but i know he isnt coming back and there is nothing i can do about that. if you are younger, not like me, too old and cant be bothered, you will find someone else one day.
Dear @Coriander
Thank you for your post.
I’m sorry I would have replied sooner, but only just saw this thread.
I just wanted to tell you that I know exactly how you feel …I too feel offended when people tell me’ I’m doing well’. ’ I’m being strong ’
I don’t feel like that, but more importantly I don’t want people to think that of me.
I agree it feels insulting to me and to my husband that I’m "okay "
I know people are trying, and most don’t know what to say. I don’t blame them for getting it wrong. I’m glad they haven’t had to suffer in order to understand.
But it doesn’t stop me hurting all over again when I have those comments said to me.
So yes @Coriander I “get you”
Welcome to our unspoken World
Where we lie about our feelings
When others ask us how we are
We say that things are fine.
Our tears are shed in private
We show smiles to the World
And shield others from our sorrow
So they can feel protected.
Help us in our grief
The feel of death inside us
Bursting to come out
But suppressed to hide our pain.
I completely agree that people saying anything at all is welcome and brave because nothing said will end this horror we are all in. However I get irrationally angry at “ I can’t imagine how you feel” I want to scream lucky you how nice not to even be able to imagine this hell. This is just me though and I know it is a perfectly ok thing to say and of course I don’t want people I care for to feel this either!
