Your thoughts can be your best friend (or your worst enemy)

[tykey]

Ive been recovering from the loss of Penny for just over 2 years. I’m now pretty happy with my new life. Not as good as it could have been with her, but 2 years ago, my life was chaotic, full of tears and anguish. Im sure we all know that feeling!!

How did I get through it? Im sitting here having a flat white, and thinking about my journey

I was a world champion at regurgitating my thoughts, time and time again, mainly about things in my past which annoyed or hurt me. Id take the dogs for a walk feeling happy, but as I walked I allowed my bad thoughts to start again and again. So when I got home, I was angry and could remember nothing about my walk.
If my dogs werent with me it would be more than a total waste of time.

I have two mentors. Pooh who teaches me about the benefits of gentle friendship, and Buddha (although Im not a practicing buddhist).

I see lots of posts (2 years ago, I think I might have posted one or two) about anticipating the despair, sadness, grief, tears etc etc.

Buddha said,

What you feel, you attract . What you imagine, you create.” “Your worst enemy cannot harm you as much as your own unguarded thoughts.” “The mind is everything.

I was thinking of the past unhappy events, and putting them in front of me (my future) to live them over and over again.

It wasnt easy, but I made myself realise I was doing this, and bit by bit I stopped it, I kept thinking of the past, but happy thoughts. Instead of thinking how sad I was at Penny not sharing moments with me, I replaced them with a thought of how happy I was when we did share them.

Ive just got back from vacation, I deliberately went where we had our happiest holidays, walked where we walked, ate where we ate, and I loved it!

Beware of your thoughts. They can be either your best friend or your worst enemy.

As you might figure out. Im being a bit philosophical this morning, bear with me. I think Ill have another flat white!

[Dublingirl]

This could be me speaking. I’m at 19 months and for the last couple, I’ve been coming round to the same frame of mind. Remembering happy times rather than being sad and devastated that he isn’t with me in special places and at special times. I actually went to one location a few weeks ago and had such a lovely day that I totally forgot to feel sad. Of course I do have moments, but on the whole I am cherishing the fact we had time together and smiling at silly things and experiences rather than crying. I’ve re-read some of my early posts and they totally mirror those of the people newly here. The despair, the disbelief, the feeling you will never recover or get over it. I know we are all different, but there is hope and I sincerely hope we all find some sort of peace and acceptance.

[Willow112]

You are both at a place I want to be. I know, or at least hope, that one day I will be there, because I have been widowed twice. And I did survive the first time sufficiently to find love again and marry again. Now he is gone, too.
I agree that in the early days it is well nigh impossible to imagine ever being less than desolate. I also agree that you kind of have to want to start to feel happier. But it feels like a betrayal for a while. It is possible that trying to move on too quickly is like trying to run before you can walk, and ends in disaster. That makes you reluctant to try it again. At least it did in my case. My sister exhorted me to ‘confront my demons’, so I did. I revisited some places and it was too soon for me. I waited for a while and tried again, it was fine.
I guess everyone has to do it at their own pace.
I am just starting to try to build a new life, the first being joining a Tai Chi class and I am starting to enjoy it. I hope it’s the first of many new experiences. We never went out without each other for 16 years, so it’s still a bit scary. Just 9 weeks since he died.
I am encouraged by your posts. Xx

[LynT]

I believe our thoughts are there for a reason, to process/understand and navigate our loss. When we are able to reach this point, we are more able to control our thoughts in a more positive way. We all go at our own speed. It’s interesting to read our own comments from day 1 to where we are now and how we have got here.
My friend said to me the other day, 15mths ago Lyn you couldn’t get dressed let alone leave the house did you ever think a year later you would be on a cruise having a lovely holiday? It’s good to remind ourselves how far we have come, whether that be baby steps or big strides it doesn’t matter, it’s the fact we are keeping on going that counts

[tykey]

Absolutely right @LynT I sometimes look back as well, and I dont even recognize myself.
Plus I found I was sad and unsure, but I refused to drift into comments such as “my life has ended”, “I’ll never be happy again”, “She was my world!”
We all have silent conversations with ourselves, and we always believe what we say in these conversations (we would, wouldnt we). So if we tell ourselves things which are doomladen, it doesnt help at all, it keeps us in despair. We should talk to ourselves in optimistic terms, such as " Im strong, I’ll recover and be happy", “I’ll do something challenging, which I wasnt able to do before” etc etc.
There is an old saying “We reap what we sow,!”

Keep going, Lyn, be proud of what you are achieving.

[Willow112]

I couldn’t agree more. You do actually have to WANT to feel better.

It’s like everything else. If you smoke, it doesn’t matter how many people tell you that it’s bad for you, costs a lot, smells horrible, etc., etc. You already know these things. If you don’t actually want to stop, you never will.

It has to come from within.

By the way, I am not saying becoming widowed is the same as stopping smoking. So please don’t be offended. I am no wordsmith and it’s just a clumsy illustration of what I am trying to say.

It’s good to know that people can and do make a new life, even though it is a different life to what they hoped for.
Onwards and upwards. Xx

[tykey]

Who me? Offended? Absolutely 100% not.. My wife smoked, but did it contribute to her death? Maybe, or even probably it did. Theres not a lot I can do now, so its not a burden worth carrying around.

But you raised another issue in almost choosing to be offended. Ive been insulted by people, but almost never taken it personally for more than two minutes. Thats another choice to be aware we can take.
I just consign them to history.

[Pandaprincess]

Hi everyone,
I totally agree, we have no control over others actions, or words, but we can choose how we react to them.
A CBT technique that has helped me is “Bus stop,” you imagine you are standing at a bus stop, & buses are driving passed, & on their signs (where it would have the destination,) they have written the thoughts that are going through your mind, like “It looks lovely & sunny today ”, “hmm… Should I wear my new trainers today?” “I did a great job of that new work project, ” etc, sometimes you may get a bus I call “the bad thought bus” which has a critical or negative comment on the sign, when this happens, I ask myself “do I really want to get on that bus?” Answer, NO! If I catch myself on the bad thoughts bus, I tell myself “OFF THE BUS!” I’m not saying it’ll work for everyone, but it works for me.

To @tykey , I am not a Buddhist either, but I do love Buddhist philosophy, & Budda quotes, mostly because he was a very wise man, & I agree with him. Did you know Budda was a prince , it explains in the story of the 4 signs.
Your original post reminded me of 2 other sayings:
" A problem only exists in the mind, outside of the mind there are only sets of circumstances."

“I’ve lived through some terrible things in my life, some of them actually happened.” - Mark Twain
I like this one because it reminds us how much we may presume the worst case scenario, that never actually happens.

To @LynT ,
I agree, our thoughts are usually there for a reason, but I think in some part, we as people need to decide in our own minds what our mind is trying to tell us with our thoughts, what information or lessons we learn from them, & whether or not we’re ready to listen to them, & process what’s happening. Everyone grieves at their own pace, & sometimes it is important to take time out to process those thoughts.

Personally, from my mom’s passing I’ve learned that life is too short to stay angry at anyone forever, so now when I disagree with someone I care about, I take some time to cool off, then talk to them, & the first thing I always tell them is how much I love them.

Sending hugs of support

[tykey]

@Pandaprincess . I too have an example I learnt from CBT. In it I was walking home and passed someone I know. So I say “hello, how are you?”
He keeps his head down and totally ignores me.
I have a choice to either assume he’s an unpleasant so and so, and I can decide to take offence. Or , I could ask him again if everything is ok. Which I did, and he told me he was just coming home from the vet where his dog had just died.

[Steve123]

It looks like the future may be less dismal than I thought.
We just have to give our minds time to recover somewhat and then life may actually get better in a few years

[tykey]

You are right! Never worry about what might happen, because it rarely does!