Your thoughts on my situation

In February 2017 I lost my father suddenly. It was a shock!!! Every single person on this forum will be dealing with grief in different ways but either way its tough, that’s why we are seeking out help and advice.

15-months on its still tough, but the most difficult thing for me is the way my wife has reacted to my grief. in the early days after my dads death my mum stayed over at our house a few times and i know it helped her but it also helped me knowing my mum was getting the support, and to an extent so was I. However, after my mum staying 2 or 3 times it appeared my wife wasn’t happy or comfortable for some reason and said that she didn’t want her to stop anymore. This happened maybe 6-8 weeks after my dads death. 15-months on and i am really struggling with her decision. Any thoughts or advice please or has anyone experienced anything similar

Hi Graham, I sense from your post that you are feeling resentful towards your wife as you feel unsupported with your grief. Sounds like your mother staying with you provided a source of comfort for you both and you could relate with her grief. Have you had a conversation with your wife to discuss what the resistance is about to your mother staying? Seems like you have held onto your feelings for a long time. Maybe you can share your feelings with your wife whilst also making yourself available to hear your wife, it’s really about sharing what each of you need and primarily why you need whatever it is, so you can both understand each other’s needs and why it’s important to each.

Hi. Wens. I agree.
Graham. Have you tried to talk it over frankly and openly with your wife? There can be many reasons for such behaviour, but you should not be critical or feel too bad about it. Have your mother and wife always got along well? I had this problem when my wife was alive. My mother and she never got on at all. Very difficult. They are both gone now and, looking back, did it matter. Oh dear! If only we could just do our best toward one another and give love and compassion. But us humans are so complex emotionally. Take care, and do try and talk it through. Best wishes.

Hi wens, believe me i have tried dozens of times to understand why she did this, but to no avail. She isn’t the best at communicating her feelings so as you can imagine im hitting me head against a brick wall. I massively appreciate the message though, every bit of detail helps

Hi Graham, sounds a frustrating place to be, just a thought if you share your feelings with your wife it might encourage your wife to open up, explain how upset you feel and that you wish to understand her reasons for her decision. I wonder what stops your wife from sharing? If you knew the reason then you would be in a better position to understand and either accept or not. Either way don’t give up sometimes we need to think outside of the box and do things a little differently to what weve always done as the saying goes if you keep on doing what you’ve always done you’ll get what you’ve always got.

thinking outside the box might be the only way to get her to open up. Ill have to think what i can do

thanks Wens

Hi Graham, I agree with all the advice you have already had from others. Try to get your wife to tell you her reasons. Tell her you’re struggling and need to know the reasoning behind them. I might be out of order suggesting this but, could you stay with your mum now and again. Would that help you occasionally if you did that. Just a thought! c

I have to say, i went through the same thing with my husband. He is the kindest, most good hearted man anyone could meet, but when it comes to things like soaps i watch,certain sings i hear, he doesnt understand. He looks at me like im from another planet. Even now, i go get my dads groceries and clean up, which hes fine with, but if theres anything else, he ll always say, wheres the rest of the family? Even though everyone does the best they can. I think its because they havent been through it yet. And the worst part is, i never want my husbamd to feel the hurt that now do. I said to my sis the other day, no one understands until they actually go through it. So, have patience with ur wife, she just doesnt get it yet. And explain to her thats its good for u to have to someone there with u who knows the pain rhat ur dealing with.

does your wife have a close relationship with her parents.maybe she cannot grasp that you needed your mum as much as your mum needed you when you dad died.maybe she just hope she was enough to help you get through the loss of your dad.might just be worth asking straight out why she didnt want your mum to stay in your dad died in 2006 from lung cancer,me and my partner help a little took her out a few times etc.sadly my partner passed on 10th feb and ive had nothing but grief from Jaynes parents especially her mother,i expected comfort and some support as we had been together 28 years but i got anything but.and i dont really know why.i hope you find out why your wife reacted the way she did.and you manage to learn live with the loss.regards ian