We were married for 31 years. Many of my wife’s friend could claim to have known her in excess of 50 years as they had attended the same school and had maintained life long links. Their cards either said’ You have your memories to ease the suffering’ or ‘I have my fond memories of Sue’. Well I am also in a situation where no one wants to talk about her let alone sharing some personal memory of her. No one….but no one ( despite telling me she will be fondly remembered ) mentions her in any context, nothing, no reminder of her elegance, her hostess skills, cooking, social interaction, how good a listener she was. No one even says they miss her. As if she was never here. Life is made even lonelier by their attitude
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My brother died due to cancer despite his complex disabilities. I guess I’m kind of lucky right now that people DO want to share stories. However, given the fact it’s not even been a week (it will be tomorrow) since his passing, things are still fresh in people’s minds.
I can’t imagine how you’re feeling, when people aren’t volunteering that information for you. Playing devils advocate here but could it be they don’t want to upset you by bringing up their memories when you still are finding it tough? Have you tried to initiate the conversation towards memories or stories of your beloved wife? Apologies if I’m speaking out of turn.
It is after all still raw and new for me, so it maybe different for you. I hope you do find someone to sit and share with, I really do x
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Yes, I can relate to that. I talk about him a lot but it’s almost as if some others railroad the conversation. I don’t know if it’s because I’m devastated by my partner’s sudden death 3 months ago. Perhaps they think I’ll be more upset if they mention him.
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Jen81 Thank you for the reply and very sorry for your own burdens that you are having to carry. You are not speaking out of turn. Yes I had considered it but we are upset about their passing and NOT what a pleasure it was to have them in our lives. Stay part of this great community as it is really a Godsend to find a place you can be yourself. x
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Norma, thanks for the reply. If only they would say’ Do you mind talking about…., Are you upset if I mention’….. Lots of tactful ways in steering conversation,
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Romski59, that sentence “what a pleasure it was to have them in our lives” made me smile for the first time in a week! my brother made me who I am, and I was dam lucky to have him, he taught me lessons about compassion, patience and understanding.
I hope you find this to help you I really do. X
You speak so beautifully of your wife, it’s a pleasure to read.
Yes, I think many people don’t really know how to react around grief. We don’t want to upset anyone and then how do deal with supporting them. But there are definitely times we want and need to talk. I feel when I bring up losing my mum and dad people are a little more open to speak, although this has taken me many years to be able to do, sometimes. Maybe your wife’s friends are struggling with their own grief and working out how to cope.
For me, I would just keep bringing up your lovely words and thoughts and maybe in time others will join in. I’m new to this community but already I have seen that there are so many of us in the same boat.
Grief is so different for everyone, different everyday too.
I have found that my husband’s family just don’t talk about him to me. It’s almost as if he never existed. I want to talk about him and to keep his memory alive.
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My nan just passed and it’s all I want to talk about as I feel shock and disbelief it has happened. I cared for her for the past 5 years due to dementia.However I am struggling with talking about found memories as I just pine to have them again and how wonderful she was. I feel as though when I talk about her I depress people. I worry incase it’s all I ever want to talk about as my mind is fixated on her.
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I’ve found that too, unless I bring my deceased partner into the conversation, nobody mentions him any more. I think it makes them feel uncomfortable. I don’t really know what people expect from me. I don’t expect anyone to put their lives on hold for me but I find it really hard to fit in any more.
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I completly understand even though she was my nan she was like a partner in the fact we did everything together and enjoyed each others company. She was my soulmate.She only remembered me and my son in the end. And only ever wanted me.It’s very hard I found it hard through the illness with people not understanding and was asthough I was burdening with my feelings. When I was grieving the chats and laughs we had.
How long ago did he pass? How are your feelings now with what has happened?. I find it a struggle in how dementia took the caring beautiful person she was and took everything she liked.
George passed suddenly 4 months ago. He had heart disease related to type 2 diabetes. Today was the first time I’ve been to visit his grave without breaking down. I’m not doing well, lost and lonely. Hate living alone but luckily I have family support. Your gran seemed like a special person, it’s hard without them.
This is a common feeling and realisation. I am getting that too and my love has only been gone 2 month. People quickly go back to their own lives or feel awkward mentioning your wife’s passing. Most people dont mean to be unthinking or unkind ,they just haven’t experienced the awful loss of a loved one themselves. I think such a profound soul destroying loss has to be experienced directly to understand. I am so sorry they are making you feel this way.