1 year on and still struggling

Hi everyone,
It was one year on 15 th May since my hubby died and it certainly has not got any easier, in fact I feel worse. The 12th April 2020 was the last day I saw him when he went into hospital.
I live in a little village quite rural with my two dogs and don’t drive and I am finding now that apart from walking my dogs and walking to the village shop I don’t want to go out anywhere. I didn’t even want to go for my jab but someone took me and I needed some valium as haven’t left the village for a year. It all seems too much of an effort and I just want to be alone with my dogs. I just my hubby to come back, I keep looking at his photo and telling him I need him so much. He was my rock even though I looked after him when he was ill.
Does anyone else feel like this after all this time, but still feels like yesterday to me.
I am a bit worried that I will need valium every time I go out, but don’t want to rely on it but I honestly could not have coped without it. I managed to get a few from my GP but not enough so I got some online.
I still have a wardrobe of his clothes which I still cannot bear to give away. When I want to feel close to him I take out is old glasses which he left sitting on a table in the lounge when he went to hospital. I cry and cry. They were always falling down his nose and I was always pushing them back up for him.
I feel so lost without him, as I was married at 19 and we were married for 46 years so most of my life.
I don’t know and can’t imagine how the rest of my life is going to be. It is only my dogs keeping me going. Although when I see people/neighbours I smile or have a chat and I am sure they think you are over it, but no way.
Thank you for taking the time to read. I just felt I need to vent a little.

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Hi countrygirl. I am a year next month. It just does not feel real. But of course it is and thats the sadness of it. I never imagined being here, alone with my thoughts. Not wanting to be around people all the time.
Like you I still have his stuff, i have no intention of removing anything. I have family that live with me but its not the same. Work is just that.
It has got easier over time but I think this is it for now.
I had to have my dog who was our dog put to sleep on 31dec 2020 so ended the year well.
I think we need to find some pleasure for the time we have left. I am at a loss though how to fill the void. So looks like we are in the same boat for now

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I’m the same, I found my wife dead on May 23rd 2020 and thus Sunday will be the first anniversary of her passing, I’m still on antidepressants and cry every day. I said to myself on New Year’s Eve that this year would be a better one but so far it hasn’t. I can cook and look after myself but there just no joy doing anything without her. I’ve friends but still feel alone when I’m with them, I’m jealous when I see two old people walking hand in hand as that’s how I imagined we would be. I can offer no solution but fully understand what you’re going through.

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Its a year for my partner next month
Ive really been struggling again these last few weeks and every day i get up i hate that he isnt here
I go out to work twice a day but sometimes i just cannot be bothered to do anything other than that my daughter is keeping me going but i just feel like im going day to day its horrible

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Hello country girl. I too live in Kent but in larger place. I am three years in this October. Today I finished a course I have been taking for a year and we were given a candle and asked to make a wish. I just wished that I could be with my husband. Not possible this side of the curtain but I am ready anytime. I had hoped the longing would ease but as time goes on , for me, it gets stronger. Take care

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Hi, I am so sorry that not only did you lose your husband but to lose your dog too must be so painful. Our pets help us so much when we are grieving. I know it’s probably too early yet but please think about getting another dog. They give us something to focus on and keep us busy and get us out and about. Even though I have two I still wouldn’t mind another! But of course you have to think of the expense and any vet bills too.
No, cannot bear to part with his clothes etc. yet, it would feel like another loss to me too.

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Hi there,
I am so sorry for your loss. I know what you mean by seeing other couples out together and I feel quite jealous when I see them as I’d hoped we too would be together as we got older.
Hope this weekend will not be too bad for you and you manage to focus on the happy memories.

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Hi there, I am so sorry. Yes, me too. When I wake up the first thing I look at is his photo and then his ashes which I have in the bedroom. You wonder as it’s been a year if we will ever feel any better. Only time will tell. People say things get easier with time xx

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Hi, I am so sorry. Yes I too sometimes wish I could be with my hubby and if I didn’t have my dogs I don’t know what I would have done. But I do know for sure now that I am not afraid of dying. My hubby sends me so many signs and that does help me, it is coping with the things that need doing if I have to out anywhere that’s what I’m finding difficult. To have to go out, out of the village without him, I just hate it and feel so, so anxious. Really hope it improves. You take care too x

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Hi i know what you mean about parting with their things. I will just hang onto it all.
Another dog, no I couldnt do that again its to heart wrenching even if its a kind thing to do its not something I can do again as this was the 3rd time and each time has been harder. Its inevitable they will not outlive us so for me I cant do it. My girls have dogs so I have them around.

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Hi countrygirl. I know exactly how you feel it was a year on 24 April since I lost my husband Peter it hasn’t got any easier the only things that keep me going are my 4 border collies I go out every day to walk them I see other dog walkers that I know and have a chat but other than them I really don’t want to see people. I had hoped that by now I would have been further along this terrible road my family seem to think I should be. I have still got a few of Peters clothes and cards he gave me over the years but haven’t been able to keep much as had to move after he died so that was upsetting to. I sometimes wonder how I can go on like this. X

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Dear Country Girl,

It is nearly seven years since I lost my husband of 47 years, we met in 1964 when he was just 18 years old. I did not remove my husband’s clothes for three years but I have kept a suit of clothes, socks, shoes, ties and underwear in my wardrobe.

It does get easier as time goes by because you learn to live a different life but it is not the life you want, you want everything to go back to how it was. I cling to memories of the past because memories keep things alive and I can close my eyes and remember something that happened many years ago and I am there, it is like looking through a window.

Before the pandemic I had joined two clubs and we went off for day trips etc. but since the pandemic, there has been nothing and it has been so easy to not bother about going out apart from in the garden. I still miss my husband and will miss him forever. The other day they were playing a Joe Brown and the Bruvvers song, That’s what love will do, one of the verses is, “That Yellow dress you wore when we went dancing Sunday night”, I just burst into tears because I had a gorgeous yellow dress that I wore when we were courting and going dancing at the Mecca Locarno. It is the things that you hadn’t thought about for a long time and once that songs starts to play, you are back in the past.

I have Peter’s photos all over the house, I have his ashes and they are waiting for me and will be scattered together, together in life together in death.

Things don’t get better, how can they, but they do get easier as you become accustomed to a different way of life.

xxxx

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Hi
It will be a year for me on August 13 since my world ended losing my partner of 18 years was the worst thing that happened in my life I live in a small village and also don’t drive we run a smallholding and little farmshop which I want to keep going in her memory
I don’t want to leave home and feel safe here use a lot online shopping and force myself to town once a month
People think you get over it you don’t I think you learn to live with it and God willing come to acceptance
Life is very hard ,enjoy your dogs they are a comfort x

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Hi, I am so, so sorry for your loss. It’s a good thing I think that you have the smallholding and shop, as that must keep you busy. I’ve found that keeping busy does help.
I agree I don’t think you ever get over it, just learn to live with it.
Take care xx

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Hi there,
I am so sorry you lost your hubby like that and so suddenly. You do sound very similar to me except that I have no children. People do seem to think you should be feeling better I know and sometimes I think to myself that I should also be ‘getting over it’ but how can you when someone has been your whole life for so long and you shared everything together it’s just devastating to lose them. My hubby was a keen cyclist (raced as well) and he had so many interests, he was fit and well until one day he started to drag is left foot slightly and in 2016 was diagnosed with Parkinson’s. It wasn’t a shock because I think we already knew. Some people are okay with it and can go on for years and years managing life but he went downhill in 4 years.
Life just not seem fair sometimes does it.
I too have kept all my cards but I get so upset if I read them. I still have so much of his cycling clothing and bikes and bike bits and bobs in the garage which I can’t part with yet.

Take care and give your lovely dogs a cuddle from me! x

Hi,

Thank you, you have given me a little bit of hope that things can get easier in the future. I know exactly what you mean when you say that you learn to live a different life but it’s not the life you want. I was married 46 years but we had known each other for 48. I was only about 17 when we met at work.
Yes, like you I am finding memories a comfort now and I do find myself smiling and talk to him all the time. It’s just little things that you see, or suddenly remember that send you off in tears.
I keep telling myself to be strong and carry on but oh my goodness it is difficult.
Take care xx

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Dear @CountryGirl,
I find myself nodding in agreement with everything you say. I’m a little way off the one year anniversary, another 7 weeks to go yet. But already it feels like a slow motion train wreck starting. My wife passed in July 2020 on my birthday, so it’s a day I’ll never celebrate ever again, it’ll be devoted to remembering my wife instead.

Like you, my wife and I were dog-owners too, we owned and lost 4 over our 31 years together, the last one just over 4 years ago. A good friend suggested I get another dog, but dog ownership was something my wife and I always did together. Plus I couldn’t face losing another dog, or having the dog left alone in the event of my passing. We had planned to get two black Labrador puppies this year, but that was simply not to be.

I too find that I want to venture outdoors less and less, I feel safe at home with familiar things around me. I have a couple of pictures of my wife above our mantlepiece which help to keep her alive to me, and I talk to her many, many times during the day. I still have all of my wife’s clothes and possesssions and most of her things are still in the same places they were on the day she passed. I just can’t bear to move them. I don’t think I’ll ever get rid of any of her things, it would feel like I was discarding her from my life. I still have her sympathy cards on display too, don’t know when I’ll ever take those down either.

I can’t see my frame of mind ever changing from its current state. I do everything I can to try to keep my wife alive to me, and to honour her, and I lost so much of me the day she passed that I have no will to do anything. Just surviving each day is an achievement, and I’m not even sure I’ll manage that indefinitely. I feel so lost too, everything is just so pointless now.

I really do just want it all to stop.

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Hi CountryGirl. My husband had parkinsons as well he was diagnosed in 2015 his hands hands and legs had been shaking for sometime and I thought it probably was parkinsons. He deteriorated in 2019 and couldn’t walk without aid and very stooped he,had always been very fit playing badminton and tennis and keep fit. He was taken to hospital as he couldn’t move or breath very well within less than 2 days he died they said with covid and pneumonia the shock of loosing him so suddenly breaks my heart . Getting over it is something I can’t do. I will give my dogs a big cuddle from you give your dogs a big cuddle from me. Take care. X

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Hi there,

I am so sorry you lost your wife. Please don’t rule out getting another dog, as you know they are such good company and get you out of the house. I know losing them is so painful, I have lost 5 dogs since we were married, but I also had dogs before that. I just know that I can’t live without them, they are my life. I have two and one of them was 11 years old today, so he’s getting on a bit now but still full of energy and mischief and my other one is 7 .5 years old.
I have made arrangements with the Dogs Trust to take mine should anything happen to me. It’s very simple to do and I think you can do it online and you also have to name someone as dog guardian to deal with things and I have agreed with a neighbour that she can do this and then you give their name, address etc. to the Dogs Trust.
I am sure it would be good for you to have a pet, life would not seem so pointless then.
Are you eating and sleeping well? Please take care of yourself.

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I am so sorry. My hubby was the same, he had to start to use a walking frame and he got very stooped too. He didn’t have any shaking but he lost so much weight and became very frail. He could not walk very well, plus his feet both swelled up which didn’t help.
They did test him for Covid in hospital but it was negative. The hospital rang me to say they were worried about as he didn’t want his breakfast or dinner and did not seem himself and the next thing is the I got a phone call late afternoon to ‘be prepared’ as his breathing had become very shallow. They then rang me at 1.45 am to say he had passed away.
You never forget the day they went into hospital, every detail remains with you. He said to me ‘I won’t see you again’ and I told him not be silly. Up until the very last day he was in the hospital I thought he would come home although they warned me he would need a hospital bed and carers coming in 4 times a day. I was completely taken aback by all that as he was managing quite well before he went in.
You take care too x

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