It is almost two and a half years for me now (can’t believe it for a second). My husband’s condition was also a repeat of a situation that had happened several times before, so I just thought to myself when he went in on my 65th birthday, “I wonder how long this will be for”, never thinking that he wouldn’t come home, then four days later he passed away. I seemed somehow to cope at first, then the realisation kicks in and I knew I would never spend any time with him again after 47 years. Yes, this pain is so crippling. My only help (don’t mean this the way it might sound) is that I have a twin sister that doesn’t live far from me and six months after my Eddie died, one of her sons committed suicide. She was (and absolutely still is, as we all were) devastated so we try to spend time together talking about our losses. Of course, I can’t begin to imagine what it would be like to lose my son, but we agree that what we have in common is the loss of the person who was the closest to us. Other than seeing her, I don’t want any friends etc to bother with me also. One week after Eddie died, my best friend lost her brother, but she still doesn’t seem to quite understand - she still has her husband and her family. I wish I could say things get better over time, but I am still waiting for that to happen. Thoughts and hugs are with you xx
Hi Lesley18, thank you so much for replying. I feel we are on the same page with our experiences. Peter started to be ill seven years ago. It started with a seizure, the cause of which, despite every test in the book remained a mystery. We had interludes of about 2-3 years which were relatively trouble free, but I have to say, the stress for me was never ending…worrying about the next episode.
Each time he had a cluster of seizures, they took a bit more away from him, and Peter became more frail, but at least we got through them. Until this time last year. I was convinced that once his medication was tweaked, we would be alright for a while.
My nearest relative is a niece who is very dear to me ( she dropped everything and rushed to be with us each time Peter was taken ill), but she lives over 100 miles away and has a very demanding career and a family. I know she is there for me, but we only see each other a couple of times a year. It’s good to know she would be here though if I needed her.
I am reluctant to reach out to friends because I can’t formulate what I would want to say. There actually is nothing to say, they know I am devastated, there is no point in repeating that. No point in saying I want him back, that can’t happen, so I don’t say anything.
Lesley, I am so sorry for your loss and also for the losses those close to you have also suffered. It seems that sad things don’t happen one at a time.
Hi countrygirl, I feel same as you was a year ago on 19th April my husband passed away at home and was only 47 years old and had multiple cancer’s that were only diagnosed 6 weeks before he passed away we were together for 25yrs married 24yrs on 17th May we were supposed to be renewing our wedding vows this you year but he never made it an I feel the same that the pain is getting worse not easier. In a way I’m lucky because of the antidepressants that the Dr put me on I feel numb and haven’t managed to grieve yet because I have to be strong for our 22yr old daughter who is devistated as she was a daddy’s girl. I’m also in a wheelchair due to car accident 30yrs ago my darling Dave was my carer he made all the pain I suffered mentally and physically go away we talked about everything and now it’s gone. I really feel your pain it’s a horrible situation we are all in. Good luck and god bless x
Thanks for replying back
I know that a will never see mum again. She is such a big miss.it’s a strugle.every day to get by.as you know you’re trying to get by.
Ah thank you Ashie, all we can do is keep hoping time will make some difference. Somebody told me the second year is worse than the first - trouble is I’m into the third year and still heartbroken. Yes, it is so stressful when you know anything can happen at any time to your husband, but we still would do it all again, wouldn’t we? Take care xxx
Hi CountryGirl
Yes mine was a year on April 17th. You are not alone in how you are feeling. I am still lost, don’t know what I am supposed to do. His clothes are still hanging where they always were along with his slippers in the same place he left them. I go to the shop and buy the same food that he would have eaten then end up giving it away as I won’t eat it. I have trouble sleeping and no longer have any purpose to life. We were together 44 years and made decisions together, now I find it hard to make a decision about anything. I was asked by someone the other day if I have Alzheimer’s as I can’t seem to remember day to day things or what I am supposed to be doing. No I just seem to live in a perpetual fog which has never seemed to clear and I still am unable to settle finances etc as I am just not able to face it. I am living in a strange existence, I am numb, still expect him to walk in and just totally totally lost . Nothing is important anymore . Because of the Covid I was unable to go to hospital with him and because they wanted details, contact numbers etc from me they whisked him into the ambulance and I never got to even tell him I loved him as I would have done and kiss him goodbye. To make it worse a doctor from A&E phoned and told me he would be home in the morning if they could get fluids into him, then two hours later I got another call to tell me he had died. I know I am not the only one in the same situation and my heart goes out to anyone that feels the same pain. It’s scary feeling like this, as much as people say time heals I don’t think anyone understands unless they are going through it themselves.
Hello, I am 16 months down the line and feel just as you do. Things seem harder if anything. My animals keep me going too but it still feels like a nightmare and sometimes if I drop off on the sofa I wake up and think it hasn’t happened. We were together nearly 50 years, all my adult life really. Itry and be philosophical and say it is as it is and I must live in the moment but it’s still horrible. It is comforting to know we are not alone and can get support from each other on this site. Take care, will be thinking of you.
I agree that nobody knows what we are going through unless they have experienced it. I’m almost 7 months into this journey. We met when I was 15, married at 19 and together for 48 years. I, too, cannot make decisions and feel numb a lot of the time. Either numb or anxious. I’m wondering if I should ask doctor for something to ease the anxiousness . Had a very similar experience to you when my husband went in hospital. I feel so robbed and bitter about it too.
Bought a few bedding plants from garden centre yesterday - no idea what plants - just going through the motions of something else we would have done together and had pleasure in planting. Now it’s just another chore to try and manage on my own. Absolutely no joy in anything. I also think my friends think I should be moving on and are getting a bit fed up of me - certainly not as sympathetic as they were at the beginning - and not in touch as much either. But, they still have their husbands - they do not know what it is like to be alone hour after hour - with no one to discuss things with.
I am so sorry, I do know how are you feeling. That seems very cruel of the hospital to give you that hope he was coming home. There seems to be such a lack of communication between hospital staff. I found that too as I received so may calls from all kinds of organisations asking me lots of questions about him and what aids he would need when he came home etc. That was only a week before he died, so it was making me hopeful that he would be coming home. Then the next thing is I get a call from who I think was the matron of the hospital (it was a small cottage hospital) saying that he has to be hoisted out of bed and when he’s sitting in a chair he flops to one side. I was heartbroken when she told me this as I had no idea. He wasn’t like this when he went in.
He went to this hospital for rehabilitation and I asked him if he was doing the exercises and he told me he could only just get himself out of bed.
When they sent his personal belongings back, half of it was missing, which just added to the heartbreak. I have tried several times to get his things back but apparently they have vanished.
Take care of yourself xx
Hi Country Girli,
I am four years on and it still feels like a month ago. Like yourself and all who have replied to you, I still have many of my husbands cloths and CD’s as he loved his music.
I have grown up children, grandchildren and friends. I feel my reason for still being hear is my dog. He would sit with my husband while he was ill during the day and at his bedside at night. I owe him so much. He is now my sole mate, but as he is now eleven, I am making the most of our time we have left together.
It’s so sad I had no idea how many of us there are. Only joined this group yesterday perhaps I should have done so a long time ago. Might have moved on a bit further by now. Keep walking the dogs. loved reading all the postings .
Take care, Poppy58
I was beginning to think there was something unusual about me, as I am still grieving so much at almost two and a half years on. Then I started reading some of the messages on here, and know that other people feel like me. It is not a choice to feel like this, is it? After being together for 47 years, (and never living on my own), the change in my life is so dramatic. I sit here most days at my computer, looking at old photographs etc and just whiling the time away. Eventually I decide to get dressed and shape myself a bit. Today I will pick my grandson up from nursery and then his dad and sister will turn up for tea, which helps a lot. I still need time on my own though, sad though it is. I am to this day trying to get my head around things. Grateful that my husband is no longer suffering, but missing him so badly xxx
I know how you feel I lived with my mum all my life 66 years…mum was 93 when she died. She had dementia for 14 yearso. I looked after her all that time
Mum died 6 weeks ago.and now lost I see her everyou were.and I feel that there’s no way though it.is miss her so much. I can not put how I feel like into words. The pain I have is like I have never had before.
Hi Lesley,
I was starting to think the same. My friends are all going out for a meal this week, the first big meet up for us girls after lockdown. I declined simply because I don’t fancy it.
My son told me to go and said that I would enjoy it once I was there. I have never not wanted to not go out before. Even though no husbands will be there still don’t want to go. Would sooner stay in with my dog.
They are all life time friends and all their husbands were all my husbands school friends, think this is the problem. Love them all, but think I need to talk to people in the same lonely place.
No matter how many people you see it’s still very lonely. A dog would be brilliant if you had time for one. Not a puppy , but one a few years old who needs a bit of love and a new home. People talk to you all the time when you are walking a dog.
Thank for your reply, you have help me lots today. Don’t think that you are going daft or mad. After reading many of those postings. Sounds like its all part of the process. Keep seeing your family and think about a dog, they give back so much. We will all get through this together. Take care x
HI Memphis, very early days for you lovely. I can remember feeling so crushed at this time and not wanting to be here. The numbness and the funeral its the worst. To have cared for your mum for so long, don’t think you realise how strong you are. You will get through this. As I have said its very early days for you sweet. x
Hi Sheila,
sounds like we are very much in the same boat. Your post made me feel very sad for you but also made me laugh.,
Think your Peter was a bit of a character as was my Stephen. Met at 17 married at 24, for 34 years. Always out in a big group of 22 friends for all those years. Then four years ago became the first widow. My son got married 2 years ago couldn’t deal with a big wedding just as well he didn’t want one. They were going on holiday to Turkey, so I told them to do it on holiday. Looking back, I should have gone. I know Stephen would of wanted me to but just couldn’t. Though I managed to view it via WhatsApp.
I had to attend three of our friends children’s big weddings since Stephens been gone and felt so miserable.
I seem to be telling everyone this, but if you have room and time in your life and can go for a walk, think about getting a dog that needs a loving home they give you back so much. People always talk to you when your walking a dog. They love you on good days and bad. Message whenever you want. Thank you and take care x
Hi Debby b
I’m so sorry to hear about your sad loss Like yourself
My husband also passed away on April 19 th last year
He had overcome cancer then lived with severe copd for several years only to catch Covid and die very suddenly We had been together a long time as well over 45 years and married for 43 a lifetime It’s not something you can ever get over although other people think as time goes on you do Having to accept thisdifferent way oflife is not easy and not one I ever wanted I miss him so much We worked hard for many years and now he isn’t here to enjoy all that he worked for I just wonder why this all had to happen
Thinking of you Take care
Christine x
I am so sorry for your loss. It’s weird isn’t it that time just seems to stand still after we lose our partners. I don’t feel as though I have moved on at all, my life is just the same only without the one I love. Actually it’s not the same as I don’t want to go out (apart from walking the dogs). I miss him so much every day and still cry most days. You have family around you which is good.
Your dog must be missing your hubby too. I know that after my hubby died my dogs would sit and stare at where he used to sit. One of my dogs is also 11 but touch wood very healthy and still full of energy.
Take care xx
Yes, I have given getting a dog a thought. My daughter has suggested it, so I might give it more thought. I have turned down a family wedding and a christening in the past couple of years. I did go to a family birthday and felt so lost even though I was with my (adult) children, so decided not to go to things that would make me feel worse. I am lucky in that I have a twin sister who lives near me. She still has her husband (of seven years) but he is quite a selfish person - a totally different person than my husband was). Sadly we are in the same boat (kind of) as she lost her son (to suicide) six months after my Eddie died. I can’t imagine what it would be like to lose a son, but we both agree we have lost the person closest to us. Her husband just wants her to be with him and have nobody else in her life - he is quite a controlling person. It upsets me that he doesn’t consider me at all, so I try to avoid him. Guess we’ll just have to keep trundling on until hopefully things get a little better, hugs to you xxx