1 Year On

It i s 1 year ago today that we lost our son to suicide. Although i am totally heartbroken still i have come to realise how truly blessed i am. I did not really appreciate how many friends and family that i had in my life that support me. They have formed a big circle of protection around our family, and this continues to get us through everyday. To anyone who has just lost a loved one, things will never be the same, but you will get through it. You will Miss your loved one everyday, but at some point you will think about them and smile . Your loved ones are always there with you, you will always carry them close. Donot feel that you are not entitled to scream shout or cry, these feelings are there because you loved that person, and you have every right to these feelings. For now take one day at a time and know that the days will gradually become brighter.


Dear Denise,
Thank you for your wise and compassionate post. I am so sorry to hear about your son. You are one very brave lady.

I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you so much for sharing such a hopeful and supportive message. I’m sure that some of the bereaved parents on this site will appreciate reading it - I am thinking especially of @Melodies_mum, @AliC1, @Mememe and @SuzyB , who all lost children to suicide in recent months. I have tagged them here in case it might help them to see this post.

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Thank you both. I know how hard it is at the start, and if it helps just one person that makes me happy.

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I’m sorry for your loss my daughter tuck her own life 5 weeks ago I can even think about year down the road your not on your own were all for you

It is very early days Mememe. I know what you are saying a year seems such a long way off. I am so very lucky to have an amazing support network. Please use this forum to talk, share memories of your amazing daughter. There are a lot of people, me being one of them that know exactly how you feel. Donot even think about a year down the line take everyday at a time. Suicide is still such a taboo subject and people donot know what to say. I make it very clear that Adrian is and always will be part of my family and i will never be ashamed and i will never be embarrassed by him and i will always talk about him if i want to . You are probably at the stage of blaming yourself, but please donot i am sure that you did everything you could and that your daughter was deeply loved. Reach out if you need too.

Can I ask how old your daughter was, mine took her life 3 months ago, she was 14, but very grown up and effortlessly intelligent… it was out of the blue to me anyway… not coping very well at the moment, too much time to think xx

Hi Melodies mum,
My son was 34. Why do you have to feel that you need to cope, she was your daughter. Are you thinking what could i have done, and why did i not know? These are natural thoughts, but there is no more that you could of done and my son the same as your daughter was very good at hiding things. We are part of a club that we would rather not be part of , but we are in it together so reach out if you need to.

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I would also like to say to you 2 amazing ladies, i have been where you are. There have been days that i have been on the floor sobbing and not having the energy to get out of bed. You are entitled to feel how you feel take it 1 day at a time. There are still days where i will laugh and feel guilty about it, but Adrian would be happy that i was able to laugh because he was so unhappy, so every laugh is for him. There are no rules for grieving for your child and it takes as long as it takes. It does not feel like it now, but you will smile again, even though it will never be the same.

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Dear Denise1

Your post is so uplifting and inspiring. Thank you.

I’m sorry you’ve lost a child and know your pain. It’s crippling

I lost my son Henry in October 2019. He was thirty years old. Henry struggled with mental health but if he stuck to his meds he coped well. Unfortunately he also used recreational drugs which really messed him up.
He hid lots from me but I never gave up on him and love him today as much as ever. I’m slowly adjusting to my life without him. I will never be ashamed or embarrassed about Henry. It wasn’t just me that lost him, our whole family lost him and we all support each other.

Thanks again

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Thank you Purple. Your sons situation sounds very similar to Adrians. We will never forget them, they were ill. Learning to live without them is hard, but we will find a way i am sure. As i said at his funeral i will always be sad that he is not here, but i will always be glad that he is now at peace .

Purple your words are also uplifting I lost my daughter to sudcide on 1/3/2020 only join the group thus week the kind words to knowing um not in my own with my pain my daughter was 28 she also had issues and did try to fight them demons going on in her head for 3 years till that night I will never now what was going on in her head that night I ha e to keep telling .y self shes at peace

You really are not alone. We all know what you are going through. All of our children are at peace together , we have got you if you need it.

Dear Mememe
After losing Henry we all struggled to support each other in the family. We limped through Christmas and then tragically my nephew. Henry’s cousin committed suicide on the 4th January. He was 32, married with two young daughters. His mother, my ex-sister in law was fighting cancer and none of us could believe this could happen. He was an absolute diamond of a man.
My sister in law contracted Covid19 and died on the 20th March. She was terminally ill but nevertheless died too soon. We are not able to come together to grieve, to support my nephew’s and nieces- we can’t even go to the funeral as her parents, siblings and children take it over the maximum numbers.

We’ve set up a Family WhatsApp group so we can share our day to day news. I use the Headspace app myself and other family members are having telephone counselling.
We are trying our best to share our pain and sadness but also those bright moments in life. We will survive and you will survive- we will all learn to live differently. We are trying not to analyse how we got here…we cannot change anything.

I’m sending my love to you. Keep posting on this site - it’s so helpful.


I am so sorry for all of your loses. I totally agree with not analysing everything, some things just are. We were blessed to have all of these people in our lives even if it was only for a while. As i have said better days will come even if they are some what different to what we knew before. We will all get through it together. What an insparation you are lovely lady.

I keep questioning what pushed her that night she had been so much more loving for the last six months, I really thought she had started moving on from the grumpy stage she had been in. I saw her before I went to bed, we were in the house she could have come and cuddled me but she’d rather do that, and for me and her brother to find her in the morning , how can all that go on in a child’s head, she knew I loved her … I am not coping right now, I have really tried to look at this lockdown situation in a positive way and I tell everyone else that they shouldn’t worry about it and to look at it like a pause to get things done and spend time with the kids but I’m going down further everyday. Work was my guaranteed distraction a reason not to sit and cry, since being stuck at home in this house where it happened, I’m having flashbacks constantly and thinking over and over what happened that morning… today I thought about when I visited her at the funeral place, walking into the room was the hardest thing I have ever had to do and it was so overwhelming. I wanted all these things out of my head but it’s all still there coming back bit by painful bit. Before I’d get upset for an hour or two then be made to get on with life, this is going on for a week and seems to just get worse :broken_heart::notes::rose::rainbow:

Hi Melodies mum,
Believe when i tell you i have been exactly where you are. Why did Adrian not come to me, why could he just not tell me how he was feeling. The lockdown is rubbish, it allows you more time to think. Burying a child is the worst thing that any parent will have to do.
But also belive me when i tell you brighter days will come, it will never be the same and you will think on Melodie everyday. She will always be with you. Talk about her , talk about how you are feeling even if it is just on this platform.

We are never going to now the answer to the whys I’ve brought a book and right in it not all the time but when I can’t answer the why I right them down the lock down is hard and the longer it goes on the worse it feels try to keep busy if you can sending u a hug with love x

Dear Melodies Mum

When my nephew took his own life on 4th January, it made no sense. He’d been so supportive after my son Henry had died…his own mothers was fighting to live and he had a wife, children, work etc so on the surface he seemed ok. His siblings have attended SOBS meetings and found them useful.
Oli never left a note, we think he just had a moment of madness, he would never have wanted to cause anyone pain. He was a doting father and he’s left his two beautiful daughters. Whatever it was, he’s free from it now. People who take their own lives are in a bad place at that moment… and all we can now do is be grateful for his life and all the joy he brought to us. It’s no one’s fault.
We cannot blame ourselves. I know it’s not easy and the loss will always be there but I hope you find a way to cope again. I meditate using the Headspace app and I find it helpful.

Keep posting and know we’re all here for each other.
Love and hugs

Thank you to everyone for your support, it’s good to hear that There can be brighter times in the future, at the moment even good things feel rubbish because she’s not there. I don’t think the feeling of guilt will ever leave because I know I could have been a better mother to her, although she had no problem talking to me about issues she had ( or so I thought) and I look back now and think was that all it … I thought she was a stroppy slightly edgy teenager a bit on the rebellious side. But she was only 14 for three months, just a baby, it was my responsibility to keep her safe and I failed to notice she was going to do this… she did leave a note I found it weeks after, it said she knows she’s loved, but that her head keeps telling her different, I feel like she said she knows she’s loved just to lessen our guilt, if she knew she was loved how could she do it, I’ve found a few things in her room since, things she’s written saying what she’s going to do, pictures of how, and each time I know I should have noticed her the day she wrote it. She was a very special person I know she would have done something brilliant as an adult… she was so clever, top in science by a mile in her year, her teacher called me to actually tell me that :heart: So proud of her, I always was proud of her and I told her too how I loved her acceptance of everyone, she treated everyone the same, and over the last year had really seemed to be shaking the stroppyness that she’d had for years… Xmas was the best Xmas for years, she went and spent her own money making sure she chose everyone something they would like, she even came to work with me New Year’s Eve as I work in a pub and she sat with my dad and his friends, it wasn’t until I went to kiss her happy new year that I realised she’d been craftily swigging Prosecco and was a bit blurry eyed… she proceeded to tell me how much she loved me and was then sick… oh and finished crying and falling asleep with her head on my lap holding my hand… so pleased we had that night, I told her it was like spending a night with a teenage me, we even went shopping New Year’s Day and both got new clothes … such a precious memory for me now as three days later she decided in the middle of the night to take her life away from us… sorry I went on a bit then sometimes I can’t talk about it and others it flows… lol along with the tears … this is Melodie so beautiful xx