I lost my son 10 years ago and I have been in a cycle of grief ever since. He was 20 when he tragically died in an accident. For the first couple of weeks or months I have got to admit that I just wanted to die so that I could be with him again. But I couldn’t let the family go through another bereavement.
I had counselling which I think did help a bit but I feel like the lady was trying to work out if I was a danger to myself or others.
I have struggled with my mental health ever since. I am very angry with the world and I am very quick tempered. Not something that I was before but I can’t help it. I struggle to remember anything and I ask the same questions repeatedly, which makes me feel stupid but I can’t remember what was said. My horizon is one day in front, I cannot think of anything further than that. My life is like a series of tasks to complete with very little or no enjoyment involved. I avoid social settings wherever possible volunteering to babysit or any excuse not to see other people. I cry like a baby whenever someone talks about my son even though I want them to talk about him so I know he isn’t forgotten.
I don’t share my feelings with my wife or family even though we are all very close. I don’t want to see them cry or be upset anymore. I have had counselling for months now without anyone knowing about it. I thought it would fix me so that I wouldn’t hold the family back but the therapist has advised me that I need a specialist bereavement councillor which she isn’t.
I hope that someone out there has felt like this and is able to point me in the right direction.
Thanks for reading
Hello @andy107 ,
I can see that you’re new to the community. I hope you find it to be a support to you, but I am so sorry for the loss of your son that brings you here.
You say you are feeling like you are in a cycle of grief since losing your son. This is so incredibly painful for you and to be managing these feelings privately must be very difficult. I wanted to share some sources of support that might help you right now.
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Child Bereavement UK support families with the loss of a child. They also support bereaved children. You can call their helpline on 0800 02 888 40.
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The Compassionate Friends support families who have lost a child of any age. You can call them on 0345 123 2304
Sue Ryder also has some resources which can help you cope with grief.
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Our Grief Guide self-help platform which has information, resources and advice to help you through your grief
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Our Grief Coach text service, which sends you personalised text support via SMS
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Our free Online Bereavement Counselling which is held via video chat
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Our Bereavement Information pages which can walk you through what you are going through.
Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.
Take care,
Alex
Hi and welcome to this wonderful site even though we so wish we didn’t have to come here. I lost my son to drugs overdose in March. I too have never had much patience and can have a quickly fiery temper but today has been one of the worst. I fell out with a van driver as he cut me up driving, then my drive was nearly blocked by workmen at my neighbours. I am such an angry person that I want to fall out with the world. I out it all down to this journey of grief. I really hope counselling helps you. I have found writing a daily journal helps me with emotions. Take care x
I lost my 35 year old son 6 and a half years ago! I feel exactly the same as you! I love and miss him so very much!
Hi Andy
I am so sorry for your loss .
I lost my 21 year old son only 8 weeks ago .
I understand how you want to protect your family by not opening up to them however this must make you feel incredibly alone ?
Will you not consider talking to them ?
x
I am sorry for your loss.
Can I ask what you put in your journal and how does it help you?
Thanks
Hi SueSue
Sorry for your loss.
I honestly thought I was the only one who felt this way over a number of years. It’s comforting in a strange sort of way that I am not the only one. Thanks for responding
Hi Tilly13
I am sorry for your loss. I wish I could talk to the family. We are close but we have cried so much that I just want to protect them from more tears if I can. My daughter went through a very difficult time and she never told anyone because “we were all going through enough already”. So I need to appear to be ok so that I am able to look out for my kids even though they are grown up.
Thanks for responding
Hi Andy, May I ask how old your son was when he passed? My sons bedroom is still the same as he left it, i am so lonely, my daughter takes me shopping twice a week, my other son comes and sits with me 2 or 3 afternoons a week, I have grown up grandchildren but they don’t bother with me, never see them! I really don’t want to be here, I hate this life!
I recognize so much of my grief in what you write but I didn’t lose a child, my partner died suddenly and unexpectedly at 49, changing life as I knew it.
What if you are all feeling the same? What if you are all hiding behind a mask and protecting each other?
Talking is the best healer and the key to moving forward and living with your grief as this isn’t something any of us will get over.
I would start by being honest with your wife and letting her know how hard life is right now for you.
Hi SueSue,
My son was 20 when he passed 10 years ago. I refused to let anybody touch his room for a number of years. He lived away from home at a racing yard as he was training to be a jockey. A few days before he passed away I asked him if we could use his bedroom for our adopted daughter to use. He agreed saying that he doesn’t live there so he shouldn’t have a room. I promised him that he would always have a room at home. I wanted to keep that promise but we adopted another daughter and our grandchildren were staying over because my oldest daughter needed to work. I had to back down and allow the room to be changed. It was a very difficult time for everyone. Nothing has been thrown away, even some loose change that he left has been saved.
I don’t pretend to have any answers to anything but I think it helped that the room is used for the family. It’s a very difficult thing as if I’d have had my way it would have stayed as his room.
I am sorry that you don’t see much of your grandchildren.
I used to be an engineer and work with metal so I started making things like roses and plaques from steel. Things I thought would make Kyle proud of me. This helped for a time but not anymore. Just wondering if you could make something that you think your son may have liked. It may help you like it helped me.
Hi Andy. Sorry to hear the pain you are going through. Have you tried reading any grief books? It’s something that’s easy to pick up in a spare moment, you can lose your thoughts along the way and get ‘lost’ in a book (so to speak). Could help. I use the library regularly to read whenever I can to help me through. x
I don’t really read books, I get to the end of the page and I can’t remember what I have read. I thank you for your suggestion and I am glad it works for you.
Thanks for your message. I feel my wife and daughters have been able to accept and grieve the loss and are able to function again. It’s just me that is stuck. I feel like I am dragging them back into grieving when they have been able to make sense of things and move on as such.
I think you for your suggestion and I will try and open up to the family a bit to see if your idea works.
It’s not that they have moved on . You can never move on from the loss of a child/brother.
It’s just they have learned to live along side the grief and function ok while you are finding it more difficult .
You won’t be dragging them down by talking to them . I’m sure they will want to know you are struggling .
xx
Thankyou for your reply Andy! That’s awful, your son was so young! My son started boxing at 11 years old, he was trained by Peter Eubank, Chris Eubank’s brother, he won lots of fights, Sussex Junior champion and Hove Boxer of the year twice, then he got in with this awful crowd, stopped boxing and overdosed on mdma! He lived here with me, went out one night and never came home! I will never get over his death!
Have you looked at the compassionate friends website ?
They run support days just for bereaved dads and there’s lots of other info on there website .
I am so sorry to hear that. Your son had such an awesome talent, you must be so proud of his achievements.
Many thanks for the pdf and the website. I will look at them both tonight.