That’s it to a tee Katy. I was partly interested to see it takes your womanhood. I know I was loved and cherished by my partner and now
I don’t know what I’m here for anymore.
You are no longer special to anyone - no one is completely on your side and it’s heartbreaking xx
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Not sure if you know but you can see all your postings in ‘my posts from the menu if that helps x
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I have wondered if gp surgeries would be interested.
However. as I am not medically trained I think the offer is unlikely to be accepted.
Rose x
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Thankyou Rose
Thats lovely
Love and hugs x
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Thank you Rose. That’s beautiful xx
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A Master Plan sounds like a good idea. One of the things I feel bad about is wishing my life away. I watch the clock, waiting for oblivion and knowing deep down that I won’t sleep well and when I wake up I will suffer the punch of realisation. I do okay for an hour or two and then something silly sets me off, the lyrics of a song I used to like which now has a different meaning. Opening the freezer and seeing something I cooked for both of us. Seeing our favourite roses come into bloom. I don’t need to go on, you all already know.
One thing that helped me ‘the last time’ this happened to me was that I decided that as life was now so different I would make it as different as possible. I moved furniture around, redecorated and altered stuff to suit myself. I don’t know if that will help me again. I am too exhausted and numb at the moment. It takes all my energy and brain power to get myself and my daughter through the day, fed, showered and clean clothes to wear. I think it took me a few months to get to that point, it was a long time ago. I don’t know if I will ever have the energy and ability to make another ‘new life’ yet again.
Tomorrow is another day, though. I will certainly try to be stronger, it’s not like we have a choice and at least tomorrow will not be a Sunday!
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Hi @jody
I know how you are feeling. I feel I’ve lost part of my identity and don’t no who I am anymore after being with someone for 18 years it’s hard to know who you are anymore.
I do know that we are who we are just as we were a complete person before we met our partners and we will be compete again, once we get to the other side. We will never be who we was but we will find ourselves again. It will be a treacherous journey but we will make it. Hope that makes sense 
I also hate that I’m no ones favourite person anymore. The person who you can be your true authentic self with, the one who knows all your secrets, your weak spots, the one who is your absolute world and the person who loves you for you. Xx
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Sounds like today is a hard day for many of us but also looking through todays posts it’s also inspiring to see you all be so supportive to each other.
It’s 14 weeks on Tuesday for me and I can’t believe it’s been over 3 months.
I’ve had a tough week this week and really struggling to manage my grief and that of my kids, but I’ve managed to get one to go to work over the weekend ( says he feels better for it ) and my youngest has gone canyoning today with her guides ( although didn’t want to this morning ) I hope that is the right choice for her but I think we can all realise that our emotions vary so much we can’t really be certain about how we will be feeling / coping in 5 mins let alone 5 hours.
I’m feeling a bit better today and am going wild swimming with a friend in a wee while.
I hope it will help.
But I’m not yet at that place that someone described where we can ‘live’ again, not just surviving through each day. It feels like I might have to wait a long long time till I get there.
I hope we can all get there at some point - and I need to believe that we can get through this.
I was thinking this morning that it would be a disservice to my husband if I wasted the rest of my life grieving and not living. He so wanted to stay with us and grow old with me.
And as for friends and family - it so hurts but I’m just trying to accept that is how it is.
And perhaps if it was one of my friends I would do the same. Most really do t understand.
Oh - Looks like I’m now needed to have yet another discussions about whether to go to Julia’s party tomorrow. Invite for my son that is - not me ! 
Hope everyone’s day gets a little bit less hard xxxx
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Thank you. I know this sounds really strange but about an hour go I got a strange feeling of calm wash over me, almost a bit spaced out. Not sure why maybe I’m having a break from the pain. Xx
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You don’t need to be medical trained. It could be "roses thoughts, feelings and theory on grief " xx
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Thanks Katy you are right but when I met my beloved partner I was a broken person ( had a previous physically/verbally abusive and controlling marriage) and he was my knight in shining armour. He taught me how to live and love again. He helped me be myself and accepted me for who I am. He had lost his wife many years ago through a terrible illness and it’s only now that I appreciate how emotionally challenging that must have been for him to find love again with me.
In my darkest hours I think he may be reunited with her now and I really won’t see him again. I know that’s silly because even if we do live on it’s not in a human way.
Just having a very bad day sorry. The sun has come out now so I’ll try a recapture the days when we would have sat outside with a glass of wine and just talked about nothing really. Just happy to be the two of us xx
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Sorry to learn about your abuse, some people are just bastards! Well done for being a survivor
Take what he helped you to rebuild within yourself forward into your new life. You are stronger and braver than you know. Let his love and belief in you help you find your way.
When we die we reunite with our soulmate. Even if we have loved several partner’s we always go back to our true soul mate or mates. You will see him again, when you do, you will decide what you want to do next xx
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Thanks Katy I do appreciate your wise words and support 
and I know you are not having a great day either. What would we do without this virtual support? Thanks again xx
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10 weeks tomorrow for my hubby, well it was actually 12.20am the Monday, so really it was all day Sunday in icu after his sudden massive heart attack the day before, sat there while they switched his life support off! it was so refreshing to see you use the words “Fucking shit” because thats what we used in the icu unit, the female consultant said in her posh voice " this is shit" and my son said NO its " fucking shit" , when it came for the time to turn the machines off, she came into the room and said “now come the fucking shit time " ! 10 weeks ! so I went back to work 2 weeks ago, I went on holiday with my son, instead of my hubby, I am now eating, and some nights I may I say May sleep? but the thought of this life and the future without my husband is still " fucking shit”!!!
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Yes. I am with you there. My language lately has turned the air blue! Just as well there’s nobody here to listen.
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That sums it up!
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Oh @jody
I thought I was the only one that thought about my husband being reunited with his first wife
Its a relief to know I’m not the only one to worry about that.
My best friend says heaven’s not like that, its different. A different type of being, to life here on earth.
I hope so I really want to be with him again
Big hugs x
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I just started a new conversation about this. And then saw this. I also thought I was the only one.
Sorry to replicate. I had not read this thread through to the end.
Xx
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