17 yrs on the pain carries on

My son would of been 17 on 3rd June he passed away 26th dec 03.
Everyday is hell he was born at 30 wks it was emergency cesarean. I had to watch the drs fight to keep him alive while my wife was on the operating table he weighed 1lb 15oz.
I cant put into words how hard things have been he only lived just under 7 months, every obstacle he seemed to get by we really did see light at the end of the tunnel for things to turn so quickly.
Finding out he had a genetic condition that he couldnt survive ripped our would apart the only comfort was the fact his suffering stopped.
Ive struggled from that day i honesty wish i could end my life but i was told if you kill yourself you dont goto heaven and i have to believe his somewhere without pain so if i did it i wouldnt see him. It just makes every day living hell ive got 3 other children and i know i need to put them first.
Ive had therapy and im still getting help but i would give anything to be with him .

Hello Cambsbloke, you seem that you need help more than you have received and if you feel this bad can I suggest you ring the Samaritans on 116123. Grief can be extremely horrible but with time and help it does fade but is always there. Your three children need you and your love for them and your wife must be very strong knowing how this has affected you and you need be there for them. Please consider getting more help. Look after yourself and your family. S

Hi Susie im still receiving therapy and help from my team i do also reach out to helplines. Thanks for you kind words. Time really doesnt seem to ease things at all personally the opposite is true.