18 Months and I still cant cope

Is anyone else in the same position?
I put on a brave face and everyone says I’m doing really well, when inside I’m dying.
I miss my husband so much, I miss our life together.
We were together 40 years and he was very ill for 2 of them.
I thought I should be getting better but It’s not the case.
Am I the only one?
Should I pull myself together?
Help me please x

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You’re definitely not the only one Carera. I would think that probably every single one of us using this sight are in the same position. There was another conversation started entitled “Coping on the outside screaming on the inside” in the ‘Losing a Partner’ catagory. I’m really sorry for the loss of your husband. Please don’t try to pull yourself together, go with the flow, allow yourself to grieve, be kind to yourself in any way you can. We become amazing actors following bereavement but nobody knows what’s really going on inside. Our hearts have been ripped out, torn apart and put back in tiny little pieces, never to mend. It’s a physical pain, it’s absolute agony, a hidden pain. But people can’t see that because we look normal, we have to go about our normal business. So we act. What even is normal anymore? I look in the mirror sometimes and the person staring back looks like me but it doesn’t feel like me. How you are feeling Carera is perfectly normal for your situation. As it’s been said before, it doesn’t get better, you just get better at it. It’s nearly 2 years for me now and I think I’ve gotten quite good at this grieving thing. I have my coping strategies, one of them being my journal. I’ve mentioned it many times and I know others on this site also have a journal. I write to my husband telling him all kinds of stuff. Sometimes I rush in eager to tell him something that’s happened so I grab my journal. It helps me a lot. I still have dark moments, days even and I think I always will but that’s ok. I’m fortunate to go out to work and that’s a good distraction. Whatever I do, where ever I go, my husband is always with me and I’m very conscious of that. I can smile, I can laugh, I can skip, I can dance but always with a hidden sadness in my heart. Even though I can do these things and I know I can experience joy, I realise that, without my husband, I can never know pure joy ever again. For me, that’s as it should be. I accept that.
Give yourself time Carera, don’t try to rush it, grieve. We are strong, you are strong. I am sending you love and hugs. xx

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Hi Carera although my loss as been only 6 months not as long as yours we are all on a treadmill of grief on this site.
. My wife passed away last November and for me it’s been sheer hell I’m on my own no children what relatives I have don’t want know how I am or if you talk about your wife they change the subject.
My wife loved being in company me I’m a loner in our 43 years of marriage she could make friends just like that me NONE,I do not think counciling or joining groups would be an answer for me still a loner at 70 it may be different for you I’m sure there are plenty of people on this site who feel the same as we do.
In my case pulling yourself together are just words I don’t want to hear when you spend time with someone for 43 years that fate brought you together the lost of wife/husband / partner is nothing to feel sorry for we possibly spent half that with parents that we did not feel the grief for like losing our partners.
. To quote
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday
or you can be happy for tomorrow
because of yesterday.
Sorry just words I know no consolation but hopefully our partners can see how we feel
. Hope you find the peace you are looking for it may be a long time for me till I see her again.
. Regards MM69

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I love that quote MM69, thanks for reminding me of it. Perhaps you should put it on the Quotes thread.

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Hi Carera, it is not quite 5 months since I to lost the love of my,life, I wrote the thread screaming on the inside, after 46 years married I know I am always going to miss our life together nothing will change that, some days the effort of getting up is tremendous, but I have a dog who demands attention, as for pulling yourself together,what does that even mean, we all have to find our own way whether it takes 3 months or 3 years you just have to go with it, I do now find pleasure in simple things, taking the dog for long country walks and enjoying the peace and tranquility, I feel,it like a comfort blanket and feel close to my husband, the rest of the time like you I put on the face, smile say the things people want to hear, I always think wwgs ( short forbwhar would Gra say) just remember you owe it to yourself to do what is best for you, hope you carry on coping and if we can’t find happiness again at least find some peace thinking of you

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Oh Carera. NO!!! Pull yourself together???. If you find out how to do that in our circumstances let me know. We could become millionaires overnight!!! Bereavement takes time and patience. For some 18 months is a long time, for others 18 years. It depends so much on your temperament. But please don’t listen to those in despair who say it will never end. I am only six months into my wife’s death and it hurts still, very much. There are days when I get near despair, but it’s a trap I’m going to avoid if at all possible. But I know in my heart that she will come to my rescue if I pray, and I already feel just that tiny bit different. I have said before, the ‘tiny bits’ can all add up to ‘big bits’, so take it day by day and let your mourning come. It’s a natural process. As hard as that may sound, it is you know. Blessings.

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Hi I’ve read all the posts and agree it’s six months and two weeks and one day since my soulmate fell asleep in my arms im utterly truamatised witnesing it all happen in front of my eyes all I can say is there are some many kind people on here who have helped me from joining my Edward please take as much care of yourself as possible I am so sorry for your loss it’s heartbreaking in my thoughts and prayers stay strong Adele x

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Thank you all for your posts and kind words. It is really helpful reading them.
I’m really sorry that we are all here but it’s good to know that there are people who understand completely. (I’m not going mad!)
I’m sure we will all muddle through somehow. No other choice.
Thinking of you all. Thank you x

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Thinking of you Carera. There is nothing I can add to these excellent messages of encouragement. Keep with us we all understand and it does help. Pat

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Hi Carera no my love you’re not the only one but you know what the more we hold that grief in the more chance we are going to be ill. Please stop pleasing others by trying too hard perhaps we should be letting people see what the hell is really like and that it doesn’t heal quick it takes as long as it takes. Keep writing there are a lot of really nice people on here only too willing to listen. Hugs K xx

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I echo all your kind and lovely thoughts. It restores my faith in human nature and the love that’s there. In anxiety, which often accompanies bereavement; we do feel we are going crazy. We have such strange thoughts which frighten us and add to the fear and anxiety. We are NOT going crazy. No way! Like the process of bereavement, anxiety takes time to die down. The feelings become less intense and we cope better, That may sound like pie in the sky for most at the moment, but it’s true. That elusive light at the end of the tunnel is always there. No negativity or bad thoughts can eliminate it. It will get bigger if we travel along the dark tunnel with hope and love in our hearts.

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Our equilibrium has been knocked out of kilter, parts of our brain have changed to accommodate this and over time some of it will be restored. We are slowly beginning that journey of transformation. We can survive, just differently as we experience gradual personal growth. We learn as we grow. We are in that process of Becoming. It doesn’t end until our time is done.

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Hi. 8 months since I lost my partner of 20 years feel worse now if anything. I can’t pull myself together…xx

Hi im so sorry for your loss it’s utterly devastating it’s been six months and three weeks on Wednesday coming since my soulmate of seventeen years fell asleep in my arms im utterly heartbreakon and truamatised witnesing it all happen in front of my eyes your in my thoughts take care as much as possible Adele x

The worst thing that anyone can say to someone who is suffering bereavement is “pull yourself together”. This makes me so angry, as if we would feel the way that we do, if we could help it. It is all very well but if their turn comes, and I wouldn’t wish this horrible feeling on anyone, it will do them good to walk in our shoes. I am sorry if I sound too harsh but it is exactly the way that I feel. One good thing with all these kind and gentle people, being our friends, we do get the support which we need. Blessed be. MaryLip.

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We will never cope or come to the terms of this nightmare it’s six months and three weeks today since my Edward fell asleep in my arms im utterly truamatised witnesing it all happen in front of my eyes all my dreams of growing old together everything my hopes and dreams have been stolen from me so cruelly and tragically

Your in my thoughts and prayers stay strong I hope tomorrow is kinder to you take care as much as possible Adele x

Dear Ade, one day the birds will start to sing for you, you will notice the lovely flowers growing. I wish you all the best and I wish I could be of more help. I am grieving for my beloved younger brother, who died November 2015 and my beautiful friend who died 6 months ago, 2 of the people I loved most in the world, not including my husband and family. It seems so cruel. Take care, love Mary x

Sorry, I meant to say my beautiful friend died 6 months after my brother, after nearly 72 years of friendship x

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I’m so so sorry for your horrendous loss it’s utterly devastating it’s six months and three weeks this afternoon since my Edward fell asleep in my arms im utterly truamatised witnesing it all happen in front of my eyes all my dreams of growing old together everything my life has been blown apart taken away so cruelly and tragically your in my thoughts and prayers stay strong sending a hug Adele x

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