2 Years

[Walan]

It was 2 years for me on Friday. 2 years since I watched my wife die and 2 years since I set off down this unimaginable road. And what have i learned? In the first year it was that there are no easy ways, no painless days, that the road will morph and mutate become unexpected, unrecognisable, days lost in the darkness but always, always, circling around tethered to that immovable event. As time moves on the tether extends, allows me to spiral outwards, always passing the same points but each time a little further away a little more perspective, a little more understanding and acceptance. I moved through all the firsts, met them as best I could, took some kind of comfort in their terrible rhythm. Over that first year I really tried, tried to go out and meet life, tried to create tools and ways of living that moved me forward, it worked, I got through the year. I had made it.

And so the second year began, and with it a real sense of despondency and loss, there were no more firsts to look to, no sign posts to follow, just me and the vast expanse of time and life before me, alone. I sat with that, in that, for many months, lost, continuously revisiting the past, looking for meaning, looking for a way to live. And through those days it began to dawn on me that I needed help, that I had taken things as far as I could by myself, that if I wanted to move on I had to engage with myself and take action. I started therapy in late September, it’s not been easy and something I never envisaged myself doing but it is beginning to bring clarity, a sense of agency, autonomy. I’m sensing the beginnings of balance, acceptance of the past along with the acceptance of a future.

This has been my experience so far, for everyone it will be different, but the lesson for me has been to keep trying, keep walking, keep building. Some things that work at the start will be useless further down the road, when they have served their purpose find other ways. Most of all, it’s the realisation that I am trying to understand myself, and that’s been the real battle in all of this, who am I now and what do I want? And with therapy I feel I’ve started down that path of getting to know myself again. For me once the pain & guilt subsided, once the terror and suffering moved away, once i realised my wife would always be with me, that’s when I realised that it was just me now and I had no real idea of who I was by myself. It turns out that’s another journey all together, but one that I’m determined to continue on and one that all my experiences of my wife, her death, the grief, will inform and direct and allow me to reach somewhere that I suspect will not be as I imagine now but it will be a home none the less.

[OnlyMe2]

@Walan Thanks for posting this, some really interesting observations you make.

Although only (almost) 7 weeks for me, I have been seeing my GP once a week. He called me the day after my husband killed himself, and asked whether I wanted to go in and talk with him. I accepted, and he has been fantastic.
I am in control of how often I want to see him, and he books me into a slot before his surgery opens to other patients, meaning I get 30-40 minutes.

It isn’t counselling as such, more just listening. J and I both shared the same GP, so he was aware of J’s history, and him being diagnosed with a meningioma last year too (successfully removed), so there was a lot for us to deal with over a period of years.

Although I have never been a person who seeks help (I ‘just get on with it’), on this occasion I realise this is off the scale, so I will accept offered.

Again, thanks for such an interesting post, it’s good to read about those who have experienced these events a year or two before many of us, and it gives us hope.

[LynT]

@Walan
It will be 2yrs for me too in Feb, so I have passed the first 12 mths as well and you have eloquently written exactly how my journey has been as well.
I am now at a crossroads of who I am, what I want and where I am headed. It’s the saddest most painful journey I have been on in my 65 yrs on this planet but like all of us we are survivors all in our own, unique individual way of coping. The 2nd year brings a different set of challenges, mine is the constant loneliness and having no sense of belonging. Maybe because I have no family left now but one thing throughout this journey that has helped me get where I am is the tiny chink of light and hope ahead and of course the love I carry with me of my husband and other lost family members. I believe where there are endings there are new beginnings, I try not to focus on what they will look like. I trust what is meant for me won’t go by me and I have learnt to not live in the past or future but to be in the present moment. Sometimes we just have to ‘be still’
Thanks for sharing this lovely post. Lyn x

[Walan]

@OnlyMe2 At 7 weeks things must be still very raw and overwhelming but it sounds as if you have a very farsighted and thoughtful GP. I’m very much in agreement that this situation is ‘off the scale’ and I hope that having those sessions with him is giving you some comfort and release at this time in your grief.

The therapy I’m receiving is Person Centred meaning that I really just go in and talk about whatever comes to mind. The therapist is there to actively listen and only interjects with questions, sometimes for clarification, other times as a way of facilitating direction and self awareness of what I am saying. I haven’t tried any other forms of therapy but this style seems to suit me and I do appear to be benefitting from it. For me having reached a point where i felt I was becoming stuck in my thinking it felt like the right time to seek this kind of assistance. I know that i will never be ‘cured’ but things are so much easier now and the therapy is building on that. There’s always hope, it may be hard to believe it in those very early times, but there is always a way through.

[Walan]

@LynT Yes I know of that crossroads, I was sitting at it for a very long time. As I’ve said it was then that I decided to take some type of action and for me that was to try therapy. It’s helping to tease out the knots of confusion and lay them out showing me what they are and where they come from. The 2nd year is very much a different beast, for me less immediate but further reaching, but when I compare to last year and then the year before it pales in comparison. To have come from that to here, as you say, is the saddest and most painful journey. To be reminded of what I’ve come through does give me the strength and inspiration to carry on, informed by the past, sitting in the present, looking to the future.

[LynT]

I have no clue where the time has gone from then to now as it all seems so irrelevant. Like being in a time warp. All I know is I functioned, survived, hour by hour, to day by day but now I arrive at a place where I search for meaning and purpose of the next stage of my life. I too was stuck in a kind of limbo of past, present and future but know deep down I have to keep “moving forward”. How that looks I am unsure. I’m pleased the therapy is helping. I have not sought any kind of help as want to do this myself, yes I’m stubborn or stupid whichever applies. We have come a long way in this journey and yes it does give us the strength and inspiration to carry on. It’s also scary, lonely and daunting but then I realise the worst that can happen in my life already has. The loneliness for me is the hardest part of all of it. It’s like losing your right arm and having to work and adapt with just the one, always knowing it’s not there and always compensating for the lack of it. We should be proud of where we are as I know my husband would be and sure your wife too

[Angel1309]

So wise and inspiring!
Thank you x

[Jan17]

@Walan your post resonates with me. I remember chatting in the early days, trying to find a way forward. You gave me hope & encouragement that I could do it, so thank you. It’s been 20 months now and I have certainly made huge progress. Lately I feel I’m stuck in limbo. While I’m miles away from the utter despair of the early days and months I’m struggling to see how my life moves forward. I feel like I’m treading water and no longer feel I have a purpose. Perhaps this is another wave that will pass or perhaps like yourself I need to seek therapy.

[Ali29]

You’ve been on an incredible journey. Your wife will be very proud of you. The fog is slowly lifting and life is out there, waiting to be lived, with your wife by your side, just in a different way.
Grief never ends but we certainly can adjust so it’s not so invasive. Life goes on, just differently x

[Cooki]

This resonates with me. Almost 2 years since he died. 41 years as a part of a couple. Now alone and wondering what next.
What sort of therapy are you having and do you think you can discover yourself as an individual alone without therapy.

[Walan]

@Jan17 Hi it’s been a while hasn’t! I’m so glad that anything I’ve posted has been of help, it was certainly a monumental struggle for all of us in those early days and I have to thank you as well for posting and interacting and helping me along the road we find ourselves on, I really couldn’t have got to where I am without all the people that I met on here. As with you things have changed so much for me since those early times. I have a completely different understanding of what to expect, what is important and how to navigate those damned waves that come in. I have to say that all that you have written resonates with me too. Earlier this year I was very much treading water, it felt like I had somehow answered all of the ‘big’ questions, that the immediacy of my emotions had subsided, that I could function and think clearly. But I simply had no idea as to how these ‘answers’ could be put to use and create some kind of purpose for moving forward. In my first session of therapy the first thing that my therapist said to me was “this is normal” and that in itself just helped. For me seeking therapy was a little intimidating and I approached it by taking things in stages, first by applying through my GP and allowing things to take their course with the knowledge that I could always cancel if I changed my mind further down the line. As with many of the situations we are faced with along this road I found that it was the anticipation that was the hardest part, I wont lie it wasn’t easy to face a stranger and talk through my emotional landscape but after the first couple of sessions things started to come together and I could already begin to feel the benefits. Looking back i can see now that therapy is just another tool to use, after all its just verbalising all those thoughts that continuously circle round but in doing so I find that I have managed to separate the tangle of emotions into individual threads and for me that is making them easier to address and understand. I do now feel I’m in a very different place (again!) than I was 6 months ago and I know for me that therapy has played a significant role in putting me here. There’s still work to do and who knows once this course has finished I may be adrift once more but I reckon I’ll have some powerful tools and understanding to find my way once again.

[Walan]

@Ali29 Aye the journey has been incredible and I would imagine it’s far from over, the next path away from these high and lonely places beckons, a steady horizon to walk towards. Thanks so much for all your help over the years (wow years in the plural there who would have thought!) I know it’s really made a difference to have had people such as yourself walk along with me. As you say life goes on, just differently and so we go to meet it, changed, battered, bruised, but wiser and healing now and getting ready for that next step forward. Onwards x

[Walan]

@Cooki The therapy I’m having is called Person Centred Therapy, it wasn’t something I sought out rather just what was offered to me through the NHS, I’ve linked below to a description of it:

Person Centred Therapy

As to the second part of your question I really have no idea if you can discover yourself alone without therapy, to be honest I don’t even know if I’ll discover myself with therapy! All I can say is that at the moment it seems to be helping me with that problem and I’m gaining a lot of insight into the ‘what and why’ of my experiences on an emotional level, where that will ultimately lead is anyone’s guess but I’m willing to keep engaging and seeing where it takes me.

[Ali29]

It’s been a pleasure. You have been just as much of a support to me. Forward we go! xx

[swift]

Hi @Walan and all, every day/week/month there is the sad addition of bereaved people adding their name to this forum, the heart wrenching posts convey the same disbelief, loss, unbearable pain and a no hope future yet it is so personal to the person posting, it is really good to read the positive posts that these same people often put on here months, even years later, yes it can be a long time and the journey has been horrendous but at last there is some hope in the future so thank you Walan and others that have contributed to this and other threads,
Walan, if you recall we exchanged posts regarding Halloween/pagan beliefs so was pleased to see your very positive posts on this thread giving such good advice and hope to those following behind on this journey,

I can resonate with so much that you have written, I haven’t used any professional services but have a weekly chat with a good friend of mine who has been through so much grief its hard to believe it can happen to one person, he has helped me through the major horrors of the early weeks and months from day one and now, to quote you “tease out the knots of confusion” a huge part of all of this is, as you say, learning about yourself.
A major help to me has been the pagan spiritual side that I have been aware of for many many years, I have had to delve into it in much greater depth and detail because now it is very much more important to me, to question any doubts and to seek genuine confirmation that what I tell myself is a sincere belief, however, there is now so much more to piece together! a big turning point and to me the most important realisation, to quote you is “my wife would always be with me” so important.

On a slightly different point, I often think that its a shame that helpful posts, with good advice and positivity are not easily available to the desperate people who are new to the forum, it seems that in a short while they get buried in the past, I am sure they can be found but “newcomers” will not know how to do this, moderators would it be possible for certain posts to be collated under a separate section that could be accessed by people desperately trying to find answers, help, comfort? in their worst hours.
just a thought

[Rhi]

Hi Swift

Thank you for your suggestion, it’s a good idea. I’ll share it with the community manager to look at.

Take care, Rhi

[swift]

Hi Rhi, thank you for responding, I really do hope that something can be done, sorry to bang on about it but over the 6 months (8 months bereaved) I have realised that whenever someone makes that first difficult post it is responded to usually by people who are also very recently bereaved, they are also having to learn this rollercoaster, I was deeply grateful for this response when I first posted but I then found that posts from contributers who were much further along this path and had greater experience were sometimes getting less available as they became obscured by the new posts and responses from a new wave of bereaved people posting.
To me, an example is Walan’s first post in this thread, gradually it will become a post in the past but I feel it warrants being “pinned” so it stays current.

I hope that makes some sort of sense! and thank you for your time.

[Walan]

@swift Yes I very much remember chatting about Pagan beliefs with you, they come to mind often when I’m out and about. Where I live there’s an abundance of pagan remains, from cups and rings and standing stones through to the romans and onto the Norse, all around me it’s a timely reminder that we’re all just visiting and that we’re part of something bigger.

I’m glad that youre finding this thread useful, as I’ve said elsewhere before, I came across posts such as this in my early days on here and they really helped me in a similar way, so it’s my attempt to return the favour. It’s good that you have a close friend that can help in the way you describe, I would imagine its therapeutic for them in return, seeing that their experience of suffering can go on to aleviate that of someone else.

Personally I think that religion and therapy are very similar in providing ways to understand our position in the grand scheme of things, they both provide tools to explore identity, belief and understanding. I think whichever one you are drawn to if it provides even the smallest insight into why we feel and respond the way we do then its all for the better for understanding ourselves. For me I’m finding that nature provides a spiritual continuity whereas therapy has opened a door to self comprehension, two sides of the same coin I suspect.

[Lapizt]

You have expressed the imprisonment of grief brilliantly. I am 18 months after my partner’s death, hollowed out, empty. I’m probably much older than you so no time to find a way through - no sunny uplands on the horizon. I just want time to arrange my affairs then I’m OK to go and be with her. I must take what is left of life by the throat, ‘O death where is thy sting . . . . O grave where is thy victory?’ I will not be beaten.

[Walan]

@Lapizt It was hard to feel a way beyond that hollowness for me, when we think that there is nothing left but to prepare for ourselves, to live with the expectation that that is all there is left to do. Being younger perhaps gives me hope of moving towards something different but then age I am sure will give you the wisdom to know that little in life turns out as we expect.

“The flood itself is a nobler companion, and the spirit moves at ease upon the waters”