Tomorrow will be the first year without you. The day 12mths ago you took your last breath. It’s an indescribable feeling, there are no words adequate enough to express any of it. Only love. Time stood still, frozen in an instant, a knowing nothing will ever be the same ever again but no knowledge of what any of it will do to you, just wondering around in a deep fog, a heavy cloud of sadness from the minute you wake up to the minute you go to sleep, praying it will get easier yet not comprehending the meaning of it all. Putting one foot in front of the other knowing the foundations beneath you have been cruelly pulled away. Like being a ship at sea, drifting along with no anchor and no destination to reach. Aimlessly floating around, not a clue who you are anymore. The crippling loneliness of facing a new life, a new world alone. The fear, engulfing you constantly of what happens next, occasionally glimmers of hope, normality and then that feels scary too because of leaving you further and further behind, trying to hang on to the pain and heartbreak for fear of letting you go. Stuck between 2 worlds, one with you in it and one without you in it. Stumbling along in the middle, the present moment, watching the calendar’s pages turning so quickly, another first, yet another last and in-between the realisation that I have departed too and have to find this new me, who am I? What do I want? How can I answer that when my life was once a jigsaw puzzle and finding you meant the last piece of the jigsaw was you, my life at last completed, yet now all those pieces have shattered into a chaotic mess which somehow I have to once again put together. My darling I will begin to put those pieces back together again but that final piece will only ever belong to you and me and it is locked away safely in my heart and I hope one day I can live a life with that one piece forever missing knowing that it can never be replaced. Amongst the madness of grief, my heart acknowledges how very lucky I was to have had 20 yrs of my life knowing and loving you…
Aw … bless you … its so hard isnt it ? Not knowing where the hell our life will go now ? The grief gets easier to bear but we have lost so much. Their love, their care, their hugs, their chat. We have to hang onto the idea that we can find some happiness somewhere, somehow. They would want that for us you know. Because love is not selfish and they did love us. Be assured of that… hold on to that love when nothing else makes any sense … xxx
I honestly believe you only get that one soulmate in a lifetime but I could have another 20 plus years yet to live so I have to find some joy and happiness but it’s so heartbreaking that it will never be the same again. The memories do fade over time but the love never does. It’s like having to live a life that will always have a void in it that kills me, it’s like just going through the emotions where the depth is missing x
It gets easier you know … we all go at different speeds and nothing wrong with that. You will never forget him … so dont be frightened of that x
dear @LynT
Bless you my darling.
Thinking of you today, and sending love, hugs and strength:yellow_heart:
Your post is written so elequotently, so personally, and from your inner heart and soul. Yet I , and many on here can so identify with so many of your thoughts and feelings.
So thank you for sharing it with us all.
@LynT , today will be one of the hardest to get through in this grief life we now have . But with the love and compassion people on this site have shown . You will get through it . Do what ever feels right to you , and be extra special kind to yourself ,I’m sure that’s what your partner would want . Sending hugs xtake carex
Thinking of you and sending you strength on this difficult day and hoping it proves kinder to you than expected 
@MemoriesOfUs
Thank you so much. Not going to lie it’s a soul destroying day . Couldn’t face doing much as just too immobilised with emotions bubbling to the surface, however, managed to go to the cemetery and take some flowers, found a nice tearoom locally and had a coffee and cake and then I just had the urge to get home. I don’t like cemeteries full stop let alone knowing he’s now in one x
@Broken2222
Thank you it really is the worst day…knowing this time last year they were still here but we have to get through, no other choice
@LynT my goodness those words struck a chord with many of the feelings I have for my situation.
Just an update:
After a few tears and G&T’s earlier this evening and feeling I needed to do something to acknowledge his memory today, I did the plant a tree in memory of, just thought it may be an idea for anyone else wondering what to do on this day we all have to face
Difficult day that we all will have to face or have faced.
I think the tree planting was a good idea as symbolic acknowledgement of the day and his legacy.
I will do something similar when my turn comes around
Dear @LynT l @MemoriesOfUs
It is a lovely idea.
On my husband’s first anniversary, August 24, 2022, I went back to the crematorium, sat for a while and walked around the memorial gardens they have there. It is a beautiful place. That was the day I decided to do the same, and plant a tree. I choose a crab apple tree because of the red fruit ( he was a Southampton FC fan). It was planted on December 28th, and is just starting to blossom now.
I’m not putting his ashes there , I want them at home with me. But the plaque I have has his name, dates, with room to add mine. So when it’s my turn my name can simply be added , and our ashes then put together with the tree.
Well done on getting through the day @LynT
Lots of love, hugs and strength 
I love the planting a tree idea … do you get that done through the crematorium ? He loved nature … my husband was a Bradford city supporter cos he was born there … Xx
Hi @Deb5
Yes, in my case it was through the crematorium. I was lucky enough that there is a beautiful memorial gardens there.
They had lots of options , rose bushes, different trees, different stones and plaques.
You have to pay for a 20 or 50 year lease, which can then be extended. They look after the tree, and if it got a disease , or didn’t grow properly they would replace it.
I think most people inter the ashes with their trees/ bushes.
I didn’t want that, still need to have him at home with me.
I loved the fact that I could design the stone plaque with space for my name.
So it will go in my will to have our ashes put together by the tree, to add my name to the plaque, and to extend the lease for another 100 years or however long I’m allowed to!
Going to visit the tree today, and hoping to see a bit more blossom.
That’s what I like about tree idea… It keeps growing but changes through the seasons too. Showing the circle of life continuing… and all in memory of my Phil.
You can really personalise the tree/plot too. I’ve added hanging decorations to the tree, and statues and photos etc around it .
It feels so special. So I would definitely recommend you thinking about it.
Love, hugs and strength
It’s a lovely sunny day for a visit @Cathphil , hopefully you see some more signs of blossom 
Yeh i still got his ashes with me but i didnt know you could get a memorial tree too ? Interesting. Thanks xx