I’ve tried to listen to music but there are always words that get to me, songs that never meant anything to us can still hurt. The one song that breaks my heart the most is Roy Orbison In Dreams. I used to cry over his songs before, but now they hurt more than I would ever have imagined. I just look at the pile of CDs in the cupboard and feel like putting them all in a sack and throwing them away. I can’t imagine ever listening to them again with the pain of being without him by my side. One sad memory just leads to another and it feels like there’s no end.
Sorry if all my ranting causes any upset , because it’s all very hard for you still too and I am sorry for your great loss. I don’t think I’ve ever felt pain like this before, not even when my lovely mum died. I often wonder how on earth I got through losing her.
Of course i’[m not upset. Everyone may be traveling on the same grief train but each of us are in different cars and experience grief differently and if not differently, we are traveling this journey at different speeds. This platform is just our intercom between the cars so we can be there for each other when we’re needed. yes it hurts so much. i’ve lost all my parents, had 2 mothers 3 fathers and lost a brother 3 yrs ago. While they hurt me to the core, this loss is different. they were in my heart by birth or marriage, this one was my sole choice to let into my heart. just take a day at a time, or even an hr at a time and know everyone here is here by choice to help you through.
Thank you so much for listening to me, and for your much appreciated kind words.
I know there are people suffering far worse that I can imagine, but sometimes it feels that I’m on my own. It’s so heartbreaking to read the posts on here. I am thankful I found Sue Ryder, everone is so kind.
How true , I’ve lost my Mum Dad and brothers whom I loved dearly but I have never known pain and loss like I feel now, I have great friends , family lovely grandchildren so I’m lucky compared to some but I still feel so alone as all I want is Tony xx
I thought it was just me feeling this way and felt quite guilty that I never felt.like this with the loss of some of my family.
This awful pain is someting I’ve never experienced and is unbearable, and not getting eany easier - worse if anything.
not just you at al. i tend to spend my time trying to analyse my feelings so i can understand them. To me llove comes in different colours and intensity. the love of a family has many shades as you love every differently. But the love of a partner, your partner of choice is the brightest and most intense kind of love. This is only what i figured out studying my feelings. So, it’s not just you, it’s all of us. here, have another hug {{{{{{{{Hug}}}}}}}}}
Thank you xx
Sad2 I had a full blown row with my hubby last night I was so angry for him leaving me so angry I didn’t have enough time to tell him how much I loved him I let him know everything that was going on in my head. I have had so many forms etc to fill in and didn’t know half the information as that was his job he did everything financial I was angry I didn’t know where all the paperwork was My neighbours must have thought I had finally flipped but I felt better afterwards I said I was sorry and that I loved him as if he was here with me So know when I am cross I am going to tell him …Am I going mad
Dear Kathiew60
I had to apologise to one of our neighbours - not even attached to our property - because I had a few nights of just screaming at my husband for abandoning me. I hated the sport that has taken his life and wanted him to know as well as highlighting that some of his so-called friends had deserted me. Like you once I have calmed down I cry and tell him I love him, that I so desperately need him.
The form-filling is endless. Continual recording of the information that damns us into another round of tears.
I tend to write email messages to my husband. I tell him the challenges I have faced and have a rant, how much I need him, how I would give anything to just have him back.
I think grief - certainly in my case - generates a form of madness for want of a better description. We need to somehow vent the explosion of all the emotions.
Kathiew60, No you’re not going mad just so angry and heart broken like us all. How do we cope without them? I sill walk in and out of rooms picking up his photos and crying and shouting at him for leaving me and always asking WHY. I feel so bad because I never even got the chance to say goodbye and I blame that on him too. I know it’s not his fault, but the anger overtakes rational emotions. I do always sorry after my outbursts. Everyday the pain gets worse.
Good night everyone. Remember you are not alone. Tho it is such sad occassions that allowed me to meet you I’m grateful. I felt so alone until i found this site last Fri. night. Bless you all. Will check in tomorrow.
Good night Audrey-Rose
Thank you again for your kind messages and hugs xx
Good night x
Goodness godbless xx
Dawid, my husband is here. I was working to open a jar with a wide lid. it wasn’t budging. i did all the tricks to get it to release built up pressure. nothing worked with this jar. Was driving me crazy. Finally i got frustrated and spoke out loud… Dawid I need your help. Then i tried to open it again and pop it opened easily. made me laugh. So, for a little while roday i’m happy. but that’s subject to change by tonight. that’s when it hits me
yeah like i thought. i’m beginning to sink again. i just want to be numb again like i was when i first lost him. i try to fill my days and most times i do but nights, forget it. guess i’ll take my night meds to help me sleep and go to bed. took me 9 weeks to even walk into that room and sleep in the bed where i found him gone. now it’s where i feel closest to him. i’m just existing until i can join him. at 71 you would think that won’t be long. fingers crossed.
Your not losing it , this happens to me all the time , I look for little messages in everything I do , I get worried if people Family don’t answer my messages if I mention him, awkward conversation as he’s children never met me until
After Tony passed and now I think they probably think I’m nuts as I was only with him for a year but in lockdown that was like 3 years and we was child hood sweethearts 44 years ago , we made plans he lived and looked at me like no one ever has, he said if anything happens I’ve had the best year almost like he knew what was going to happen , he sends me messsgrs as im sure all our partners do xx
It has been six weeks since I lost my love and, like you, the room where he passed is full with his presence that my skin raises goosebumps when I go in… Days are interminable , and the longing and fear never leaves… I, too, am seventy-one and pray to be with him… I am so thankful for this site and those to share our feelings with…
Beetango, bless you. my husband was just 45yrs old and it should have been me who went. these men were the very beat of our hearts in my opinion. Now we are left to take over and frankly I don’t know how to anymore. Where does your fear come from? For me I’m a very imaginative person and for the first 9 weeks i was afraid of the boogie man, like i did as a kid. I couldn’t associate that room/bed to him during that time. Finally. i thought about it rationally and have slept in the bed ever since. Been 3 weeks now and it feels loving to me now.