Because David was so ill his cancer had gone into his bones so he hated being touched we had separate bed rooms . I cannot go into his room it is still as he left it the bed as he got out of it his washing on the floor.I dont know what I am afraid of …maybe if I don’t go in I can imagine he is still in there asleep If I go in I have to accept he has gone
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That sounds like a reasonable possibility. When you are ready, you will open that door even if only an inch. It’s a step at a time. No time frame is there to take that next step.
Audrey-Rose, you are right: our loves are the beat of our hearts and our hearts are suffocating… I think my extreme fear comes from knowing what horror there was in store; a retrospective view. I have bought a security system because I do not feel safe or trust my choices, and yet for years I managed the household… I had my love behind me and beside me even though he was not physically able… He was patient and wise and inspired me… How does two become one again after fifty years?
I wish I had the answer to your question but I don’t even have the answer to that for me after 25yrs together. the 29th June would have been our 24th wedding anniv. I’m already feel panic about that.
I guess all we can do is to continue to come here and let our feelings out. I haven’t anyone to talk to so finding this place saved me in a way. Talking to strangers can sometimes make all the difference. At least that is what I keep telling myself. Bless you. One day at a time.
Dear Audrey-Rose, it is so good to come on here and say how we feel… Your tender words honour your love who was the other half of you… So you are gaining some warmth from being in your bed and he lifted the lid which was stuck and too much for you… it is bittersweet, isn’t it… I hope you have some rest tonight…
Thank you so much for your warm and touching comment. It brought a sad smile to my face, I got about 3 hrs sleep last night thank you. 
I certainly hope the same for you. x Today started to go through boxes and found letters we had written each other over the years. Brought a different kind of sad to my heart. The crowning find I made was an 8x10 photo of us together with me snuggling his neck. I truly don’t remember this photo even tho I do remember the clothes. I also found an empty frame, again I didn’t know I had one. Now the photo and frame are as married as he and i was and will always be.
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Well, been 9 days since I last posted. I’ve gone on a Rollercoaster ride since then. I found 3 tapes my late husband sent me when we were dateing. I listened to the first one and just cried at listening to his voice again. a few days later felt i could listen to the second tape and found myself laughing at points but didn’t cry. So I listened to the last tape and lost it. After a few hours of crying my eyes out I went downstairs. My belief system doesn’t believe in suicide. I finally realised while there are growing periods of acceptance to my situation, in the corner lurks emotional devastation. I now work on watching for the signs of mood changes and prepare myself for the hard time coming. So far so good. I miss my Dawid but he’s here with me, i feel him.
So everyone out there struggling like I am doing, keep the faith your love one is right there holding you up and giving you love. Because they are doing just that. x
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It has been a while since I posted too… I still feel as if I am walking in a dream, and then I come down with a bump and feel that sense of panic and longing… You are right; there lurks emotional devastation round every corner… I don’t feel as if I should be with people, any more, as my whole being is calling out for my love… I think the only way to be with them will be chosen for us as we would be in a different place if we used our own means… Dear Audrey do come on here and share your feelings; they are precious, and your lovely man can see how much he was cherished…
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Yes my beliefs prevent me from doing anything as I have to trust that I will meet him again. That doesn’t stop the constant planning most nights. I still have no sense of my husband being close to me or walking by my side as I try to navigate this nightmare, this despite crying for him every single night.
Take care.
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Yes I have thought about this on a few occasions now but like you say I would worry I wouldn’t be with Tony , also
I think about my children grandchild friends and the hurt it would cause them , at least here I can wear he’s P J s and wrap
His blanket around me to bring me some comfort,
And when my time is up
I will be with him xx
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I have not felt that he is here beside me although I see the robin in the garden and the feathers, but all we have is hope and yet that was dashed when he left… Yes, at night thoughts are darker as we struggle to get out of the pain… I have two photos of a few years ago when my love was well and, sometimes, I can look at them and remember his smile… I have a book on energy strands and it talks of connections created over even thousands of miles, and we know that when we think of someone they phone or pop up, so, surely, this is so for our loved ones…
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yes wearing Dawid’s shirts do bring me comfort. Fortunately I have photos of him wearing some of these shirts. Just don’t want to wear them out.
Hearing you guys talking as you are about thinking about speeding up your departure but pulling back on that train of thought helps me know I’m not sick in the head, I wondered. Lets make a pinky swear we will always pull back on any action. I pinky swear. xx
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I, too, pinky swear… Audrey you have made me laugh and cry!
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Thank you for that. Bless you xxxx
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Me 2 I pinky swear lol xx
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xx maybe i should also add…if the pinky swear (which I always keep) becomes to hard, come here and post and wait for reply and not act in haste.
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Thought I was going mad because I also wear my Valerie’s PJ’s, shirts and hooded rain coat.
Glad to hear I’m not the only one.
Also, ten years ago my youngest sister took her own life, she was Bi-Polar.
It had an everlasting devastating effect on many people left behind, her two sons and many family members. At least one of her siblings has had to have therapy.
We all feel guilty that we didn’t/couldn’t help her.
I often think of doing it, but it would be too unkind to the people I’d leave behind.
So I’ll “pinky swear” too.
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Bless your heart, you’ve been through so much too. Glad to have you in our pinky swear club. No, you are not going crazy for wearing some of her things. Brings peace I firmly blieve.
I tried to talk to family members after he first died about how i was feeling and thinking about doing. Bet you can’t guess their reaction to me. eyeroll was only support i got so been doing this on my own and with ppl here.
xxx
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No we are not going mad I think whatever brings us comfort we need to do as it’s all we can do , I talk to Tony , I have numerous memorials in different places I write emails to him and post on a memorial site as well as writing in a book , until somebody has lost a partner they really don’t understand the pain xx
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Sending you all lots of strength 
It’s really nice to see you all supporting each other here on the community. If any of you are struggling at all, remember you can always reach out to these services below:
The Samaritans are always there 24/7 if you need to talk about anything that’s on your mind. You can call them on 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.org. If you prefer text based support, Shout are contactable by text, 24/7. You can text SHOUT to 85258 and talk to them about anything.