I still can’t believe it will be 3 years in August since my partner of 24 years passed away suddenly. It came as such a shock as he was not unwell just an ordinary Sunday evening, he was sitting on the sofa and his eyes started rolling he started fitting and stopped breathing.I phoned ambulance got here very quickly worked on him for hours but had a clot which led to heart attack.I feel so guilty i couldn’t do anything to help him the one time he needed me when he had always been there for me as i have epilepsy and other health conditions.He was only 44 years old.I relive it every night i go to bed thinking what i could have done different .Ive never felt so lonely before as he was my world and i really don’t know how to move forward.Its taken me all this time to find this site I’m so sorry to all the people whe have to write here for the wrong reasons have read some and they feel like its me writing them down.When people say it gets easier it doesn’t really you just have to learn to live with it.Sending hugs to all thats missing a loved onex
Hi Bonnie
It will be 2 years for me next month and it seems
like yesterday. Like you my husband was taken suddenly - cardiac arrest in bed beside me. We’d been together 46 years and married 44 of them. It is tough even after all this time and I feel it will
always be the same we just have to live with the sadness it seems.
Much love
Georgina xx
Hi georgina thank you for replying and your kind words,I’m sorry for your loss hope your good memories together are keeping you going.Stay strong and take care❤️
Hi @Bonnie1
So sorry for the terrible time you had when you lost your darling husband and the long grieving journey since. There isn’t an easy way to lose the one we love is there?
I was lucky enough that my husband was out when he suffered his coronary embolus as it wasn’t me trying to resuscitate him. That comes with its own grief though as I wasn’t with him when he died. As I says, no easy way.
I do hope you will find peace in your heart that you did everything you could. My husband was fit and well and with a friend who was a Dr the whole time and he couldn’t save him so I doubt anyone could. Resuscitation in a hospital situation is only successful about 10% of the time I believe so at home very slim chance. I think we get a skewed idea of what is normal from TV dramas and films as there isn’t a lot of storyline left if 90% of the people in resus die.
Hugs xxx
Hi and thank you for your kind words they do help.Sorry for your loss and not being there is probably as hard as being there its a no win situation thoughts are with you.Take care big hugs❤️
Hi Bonnie1
My partner collapsed at home after complaining of chest pain. In the last few minutes he was conscious, I was rushing round looking for aspirin for him, phoning for help, dressing, and unlocking the door for my son. We tried CPR until the ambulance came, and they took over, but he could not be saved.
Later I found out it wasn’t a heart attack, as I had thought, but an aortic dissection, which was too big for survival.
22 weeks later I started fixating on the fact that I wasn’t at his side in the last few minutes of consciousness, since the aspirin would not have helped anyway. ( it would in a heart attack ). I told a friend this and she said if I had just stayed with him I would probably be fixating on not having done anything to save him.
So don’t feel guilty - Karen F is right - it’s not like the movies.
Good luck and courage on your journey.
Love
Sal
Hi Salsnips so sorry for your loss and what you had to go through,thank you so much for your kind words and sharing your experience. All the best sending big hugs.
Our stories all sound so familiar. I honestly do t know how we find the strength to carry on for another day but we do. It is getting close to the second year for me and I am struggling with it. I don’t like to talk to others as they think after all this time that I should be “over it”. They mean well with platitudes but they will not know until they experience loss. X
Hi Nel so sorry for your loss i agree with all that you said,if there is a time you need to talk come on here as we all in the same situation and understand what each other are going through. Stay strong and take care .Big hugs❤️
@Nel
I really don’t believe this is something we will ‘get over,’ we simply learn to live with it and carry the grief. It affects us to different degrees each day, or each moment of each day.
Some days for me now I can live a fairly normal life, others I’m close to, or in tears most of the day. There is often not a lot of logic to it either but I do know that keeping busy means I cry less. Not sure if that’s good or bad but it is what it is.
Love to all
Karen xxx
Hi Bonnie1
I can relate to nearly everything youve said.
I lost my husband suddenly nearly 2 years ago, and no it doesn’t get easier, i think we just learn to live with it easier if that makes sense.
Take care
Gale
Hi Gale so sorry for your loss thoughts are with you.Thank you for your words if support means a lot.Does make sense now and know its still ok to feel lost sometimes.Take care.Sending hugs❤️
Hi @Bonnie1. I’m so terribly sorry for your loss. My husband also died very suddenly and unexpectedly one (very normal) morning last November. PM showed Acute Cardiac Failure. There were no warning signs whatsoever. I am a retired nurse and have performed CPR many times. I’ve never got anybody back even in an A&E setting. We’ve all been through the ‘what if’ scenarios, I think it’s part of the grieving process. Now that you’ve found us, keep posting and reading. Love and strength to you. Jean x.
@Jean8
Thank you for your professionally knowledge confirming about how infrequently CPR does work. That doesn’t mean it isn’t the right thing to try but, if at all possible, not to torment yourself when it doesn’t work.
Hugs
Karen xxx
It is most DEFINITELY the right thing to do and the sooner it’s started the better.
You are so right, I’ve been told so many time to STOP to be sad and force myself to go out…like i have a switch in my back on/off. I thought i was a strong woman, but i m so not, going thru the day take all my energy. Just can’t wait the day i’ll be able to go meet some friends and not cry at the most unexpected moment because of a word, a song, a memory…
@Maryse I’m so sorry for your loss. This sadness of grief and the internal loneliness is the hardest thing to live with isn’t it. Like you say there is no on-off switch. We all wish for that.
You are strong, you may not think so, but you have to be to survive each day as it comes. The wave which sweeps over you and makes you cry can be random or triggered isn’t weakness it’s a natural emotion. You have to go with it. I lost my wife of 57 years in October and my son and has moved in with me with his wife and new born son. People assume because I am happy about the baby I am not sad about losing my wife but if anything I am sadder because my wife is not here to enjoy it.
I couldn’t see friends at first as I needed time and space to fully realise what had happened but I’m gradually getting back to them on my own terms and I always say it is a bit unpredictable how it might go so I can just leave if I do feel the wave coming over me. Friends who have been bereaved tell me it eases but doesn’t go away, you just learn to live with it and if you grieve you feel more free and less guilty if there are small moments of joy in your life.
The journey is individual for each of us but is never going to be easy. Here we can share what we feel and we all understand, we travel together and help each other when we struggle and offer encouragement when we have small victories. Love and support xx
@Maryse Should have been 47 years. I was winding the baby and mistyped. Being late at night I missed it. One of my better moments though. xx
Thanking you so much for all the kind words, I feel a little better to be able to talk about how i feel, without judgment or to have to explain why i don,t want to do stuff or go at some places with friends and family. Folks who never been thru that pain, can not understand…i’m the first one who did not understand when friends were losing a loved one. Could not understand why they were still crying a year later…
@Maryse It is easier to talk about feelings here sometimes as those closest have their own issues to deal with after bereavement and they cannot cope with yours as well. Like you I now realise I did not fully understand the bereavement of partners. My wife always did and our bereaved friends have written to me about it since she passed. I think she loved deeply those who she had as friends and I always said I shared her with them but had the best parts. That was the theme of her service.
You don’t need to explain yourself to anyone if you don’t want to go anywhere or do something, just set your own terms if you do decide to accept. The pain is beyond anything I ever imagined but the physical part is now less for me than in the first 2 months but it’s still exhausting and this makes it difficult sometimes to do much more than to put one foot in front of the other as you are finding.
Keep posting as you need. Love and support cx