Back to waking at 3 am. I lay thinking, crying, can’t switch off. I’m so tired but can’t sleep. I miss him so much. It’s got so much worse. Sunday will be 9weeks.
Life is so hard to do right now, I’m doing it but it’s so difficult. Hoping writing in here will get it out of my head so I can sleep.
I want to stop hurting.
I want to remember the good times without pain.
I want to function without a constant churning stomach.
I want to feel safe and secure.
I want to feel his protection.
I want to hear him say “it’s ok hon”.
I want to hear him say “I love you sexy”
When does it all end. I don’t deserve this pain, this life of despair. What’s the point of it!
I’d rather not hear “it’s early days”
I’d rather not hear “it doesn’t get any better”
I’d rather not here “it takes time”
I’d rather not hear “it stills hurts but in time you’ll live with it”
What’s the point in a life like that.
I don’t need any replies, I just need to empty my head.
Ali x
You’re right them 3am laying awake numb sure is shit… Your still very much in them raw, wishing you was dead with your loved one stage… It really is so fucking hard all you can do is cry, the place you lived together now feels empty, you half still expect them to walk through the door… It just doesn’t seem real.
For many they find friends useless as they don’t understand what you’re going through for most part you feel alone and yes there’s nothing worse then hearing it gets easier and all that crap… Although it really does it’s just not the right time to hear it.
I must have cried for 3 months solid I just couldn’t function at all… But then day by day you find ways to survive the day.
It really is good to get all your feelings out, it’s great talking to people on here that understand your pain and you will find lovely ppl you can talk to.
Atm life is pointless… You planned on growing old together and that dream was stolen from you.
You stuck with angry, guilt of all the things you could have done or said differently.
Just keep taking a day at a time… Your husband changed bits about you from the day you met so he is and will always be apart of you now and although that offers little comfort in time your find you do things for him things he wanted to do but now can’t… Your find ways to honor and make him proud because he loved you more than anything.
You hang in there and take things slowly it might not seem it but you’re stronger then you think you are and you will survive the nightmare you’re in.
Snap! My days start at 3am, but as lm on my own my bedtime is around 3pm and thats where l stay. l lay there looking at his photo, cry into my pillow, sleep for only a couple of hours at a time. My head’s buzzing with all thoughts good & bad. l dont want to keep crying, l want to look at him, talk to him, remember him without crying, but its not to be, not yet anyway.
Aw … i know … xx
Another 3a.m wake up for me too. Thought of Wednesdays funeral fill my head. Feel like I’m watching someone else’s life happen because this doesn’t resemble mine at all. 
Yep … know the feeling ! Its like being in a sad movie isnt it ? Doesn’t seem real. Keep all your strength for wednesday and take wonderful care of yourself. Everybody kept saying to me - self care - and they were right keep being kind to yourself that’s the main thing xxx
I just saw your post @Tiffany, I woke up at 3am too, but I hadn’t taken my anxiety meds. I managed to nod off again for a few hours after taking some drops.
I know exactly what you mean about feeling as if your watching someone else’s life, as if it’s not you living this pain, as if it isn’t reality,like acting in a film.
May I tell you that this feeling goes away eventually, I won’t say the pain goes away but we do manage to cope with it better. Our love we shared with our life partners is still with us, will be forever, our minds and souls are still filled with them and their love. This will give us solace and help us move along this new path we have been “diverted” to.
Sending you lots of strength and comfort for Wednesday,and I agree with @Deb5, take good care of yourself, afterwards, if it’s possible, take a long walk in a countryside area, or a park, as long as it’s among nature, I always find nature therapy the best mind-soother.