I had to come on here tonight just to get it out! I am 4 weeks in from losing my husband, the nights are horrendous, i have been busy in days with my children and grandchildren, but the evening time is awful, i just have this really strong feeling worse at this time of night, i just want my husband to come home. I know he wont but i just want my life to be back to how it was, last 2.5 years been horrendous but this is worse. Its the thought of never seeing him again, i spend hours trawling through my phone trying to find videos to hear his voice (he hated being on photos and videos) i managed to find some and i dont know if this is making me feel worse or better hearing him. Am i self torturing myself listening to them or trying comfort myself i dont even know. I am back at work next week and really dreading it, i said would go back before they call me back, they seem to think i will feel better for it!!! Well i dont as it stands right now, i dont even want to do anything right now. Much love to those who are feeling the same, or it could be just me x
Hello Shabelabob
Thank you for sharing this with us. How you are feeling is normal, and Iām sure youāll hear from others who understand. Iām just giving your thread a gentle, ābumpā for you - hopefully someone will have some thoughts to share shortly.
Take good care, Naoise
Shabelabob
I feel the same 4 weeks on stayed with Simon through 2 years of pain suffering which I thought was horrific but this is much worst I ran out of the hospice the night in died but now i just want to run back be with him but I know he was in pain but he didnāt want to die.I i also trawl through his nd my phone watching video and seeing photoās most photoās are hospital chemo after operations but I have copied a few off the ring door bell seeing him and hearing him I am desperate to hear his voice even if it makes me cry. I hate how everyone has moved on and talk to me about every day things they are doing where Iām screaming inside shut up my husband has died it is upsetting I am the only one in this deep grief
Hi and @Shabelabob. I hope you are both OK. Your feelings are so normal. Everything is normal on this horrid journey we are on. I am ten weeks in and the days and evenings are hard. I am glad you are both here to chat with all the poor souls who are suffering. Take care.
Hi @Maxandlala2 and @Jim68 it sounds like we are experiencing similar feelings. I totally get the screaming inside when everyone elses just seems to be going on with life when as you say it is upsetting being in deep grief, this is a horrible situation, i would do anything right now to have a conversation with Bob, i too been through the ring door bell. We have here to come to to share which is good for me, as i dont think anyone else really understands, i have just 10 mins ago received call to go pick Bobs ashes up, so i am going for them this afternoon. Take care and be kind to yourselves x
I remember that call. I am here whenever you need to chat. We all have a common interest in helping each other.
Thinking of you hope you have someone with you x
How is your day going?
How has your day been?
Hi @Jim68 It has been quite busy with daughter and grandchildren, i am supposed to be returning to work next week and dreading it, i have just got back from dog walk went out for hour as before i took them the tears were flowing again and feeling really really sad . How has your day been and thanks for asking.
Hi, Shabelabob,
Iāve just come across your post. Iām exactly like you, Iām finding the nights really hard. Iām 15 weeks in though and still havenāt managed to go up to our bedroom to sleep. I lost my husband to cancer. The last 9 months of his life I cared for him at home. He was so ill we had to have a bed downstairs for him. During that time, I slept on the sofa. After he died I thought I woukd go back upstairs to sleep in our bed but I just canāt face it. I do not have the stress of work though. I had to finish work to care for my husband. Some people said I should have stayed in work or get a little part time job to try and get me out. I donāt think I could concentrate on any job at the moment as im constantly thinking of my husband. Iāve got to keep thinking heās still with me but just in a different way. The house seems so empty and quiet. Sending you lots of love 
xx
Hello @Edwars04 sorry to hear you are going through this, i can emphasise with you not wanting to return upstairs, i have been through similar, my husband was diagnosed 2.5 years ago and spent lot of time in hospital and although he was not in the house i too couldnt sleep in the bed it felt so empty and not right for me to go in it. Bob did say to me though get back in that bed and stop sleeping downstairs, i eventually did and in time it felt bit better to sleep upstairs, but you must go at your own pace, it is like with working, people with good intentions probably think they are helping saying do this do that, but i believe we all should do what feels right for us at the time. I understand the not being able to concentrate as i feel the same, i feel i want the world to stop for a while just because i feel stuck in a void at the moment and sometimes it hurts seeing the world carry on when i hurt so much, thank you for your message and taking time to reply and i am always sending you lots of love too and hope when you are ready to make it back upstairs that you can least try have a comfortable nights sleep, but do at your pace
Edwars04
I can understand what you mean about work.I had to take 4 weeks off.I think i went back too early.The job is very physical and wears me out.It was really difficult going back and my boss has been supportive but i a constantly thinking of my dear wife.I think of her all the time and just wish she was still here with me.I should have taken more time off but had to go back to pay bills.The sick pay you couldnt survive on too long, also i dont have my dear wifes pension to help now.I agree with you about the house it is so empty and quiet.I just cant get used to this new existance, i hesitate to use the word āLifeā because it doesnt feel like one now.This time of day is so painful too.Take carex
My day was interesting because I went to the theatre with my daughter. I have so many memories of my dear wife Sue. Every step I take reminds me of her. I think the rest of my life will be like this. What job do you have? Will you be properly supported when you return?
@Jim68 how lovely you got to go to the theatre with your daughter, hope you enjoyed. My job is office work with supportive people so thats a positive. I am out with my daughter too this evening to a concert, i picked the ashes up this week of Bob my husband, i still cant believe he is no longer here, my brain cannot comprehend at all. I am keeping quite busy, but again the evenings the veil of heavy sadness descends, my life without him will never be the same again 
Hello Shabelabob,
I can completely identify with the longing you feel to see your husband. I feel exactly the same. I am 12 weeks in to my bereavement and have been avoiding photos as I feared seeing them would make me feel worse. I caved in last week as the yearning for her became too strong - I spent some time looking at photos of her and I do think it made me feel much worse. I became totally hysterical and very frightened for myself. I have decided to carry on avoiding photos for now as I think I am too emotionally unstable to cope with it.
Take care,
Hi @Jojay
Sorry to hear of your loss, this is a hard journey isnt it. You have to go at your own pace and if that means avoiding photos for a while that is ok, i have trawled my phone looking for videos to hear Bobs voice, it sends me into complete spin though when i do, but then i also like to hear his voice, i also trawled through all our messages and for a short moment i am transported back to us being together, then i get really sad again. There are no rules are they, we need to just go with whatever we are feeling at the time, i try to find comfort in thinking Bob is around me and i talk to him daily, but this may not be right for everyone, as we all have different thoughts. There is no right or wrong way, we just need to find our way. I try to imagine what Bob would say now to me, and i know what he would say he said it to me in the past, he would say to me none of us are here forever, we are all just renting space here and we will all have time up, he also said it what we do while we are here from now on, he also used to say cant move forward looking in the rear view mirror all the time, all being said i try to hold onto his word but i am still hurting like hell and miss him so much, its a pain that right now doesnt feel will shift. Sending you and every else reading this strength x
It sounds like Bob had a good philosophy. I feel like my wife was stronger than me & wonder whether she would be coping better than I am. It is such a painful experience.
Iām glad Iāve found this community as nobody in my small group of friends and family can appreciate the extent of the grief I am feeling. I suppose we just have to hang in there and hope it becomes more bearable with time.
Good luck with your journey x
I hope you enjoy the concert. We need things to enjoy and distract us for a while x
Hi Shabelabob
I lost my wonderful wife Jacquie 6 months ago today. It has been the hardest 7 months of my life, with the hospital time before added.
I went to visit her at the cemetery today (I buried her 5 months ago next Sunday).
I criedā¦obviouslyā¦and just kept asking her to come back to me, as I miss her so much. I am back working, which I actually found helped, but the evenings are just horrendous.
She loved life, and cherished every new day, but told me āwhen itās your time, itās your timeā. Life is just a struggle without her. Like your husband, she did not like being recorded or having her photo taken, so I have struggled to remember her voice, and I hate that.
I suppose we all have to do whatever we can to get through it, but the pain of losing your soul mate is just utterly devastating.
Good luck getting through this, and I hope you find some peace in time.