49 and no life as world has been stolen

49 and tragically lost my wife of almost 23 years suddenly. Sitting here alone and realising what a rubbish future I have.
I really want to thank our doctors for misdiagnosing my wife for over 3 years. Glad it’s not interfering with their happiness.

Jay, i’ve just my soul-mate and really don’t know why I’m bothering with anything anymore. What’s worse for you is if they’d diagnosed it correctly then you and her may be in a different position today. The question really is would Allison reall want you feeling bitter about what’s happened. Not talking about forgiveness, what’s happened can’t be forgiven, but do you want to become that sort of person? The only way i’ve lasted these 4 weeks is thining about what my June would want of me. I don’t have any answers for you as I’m searching for myself. Dave

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Thanks Dave, just my heart’s been ripped out I’m so lonely as we did everything together. Was looking forward to spending so much time together. Just feel so cruelly robbed as what she had is curable and easily treatable.

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So am I Jay, lonley, what’s the point anymore, funeral on Thursday, I don’t know how I’m going to get through it. As I said, all I’m doing with everything is asking what june would say - i miss her so much. Do tthe same, what would your Alison say, does she want you to be like this?

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Hi Jay n Dave, I understand the pair of you, its Colin.
I am the same as Dave, in as much, I am continuing with the various groups and meeting the same friends, I knew I had 2 choices, let this eat me, defeat my spirit, mind, values that my Helen had liked me for. Or improve, I would like to believe that had Helen been here, all yhe people she had contact with and affected or effected by her efforts, are not lost.
I lost my best friend who only went in for a scan. Who do I blame for corvid, or not go there. Dark and self reduced or light, and stay up. Put the bitter behind, it cannot change but the next persons future’s you might. As I would have been up with her, because of Helen. Helen made me and completed me, physically I have lost her, yes but inside me Helen is here. Stay in the bubble the community and they’ll be able to make you yourself feel valued. Colin.

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Thank you Colin. I’m where jay is, in a very dark place. I have people saying you’re doing ok", “you’re looking well”, all I want to say is that I’m not. I hate it here. Like Jay, the medical people missed the indicators that could have saved June. I know that nothing can bring her back so I won’t let me be that person, June would hate that. Her death certificate is a lie, but I won’t challenge it because that won’t change things. The 2 reasons I’m still here is that June loved life and new experiencies, and my 40 year old single daughter is even more disfunctional than me at the moment and I have to get her sorted before i see my love again

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Jay and Dave, bitterness harms no-one but yourself, it corrodes our spirit and eats away at our inner being, I am convinced that when the time is right, we shall meet our loved ones again and all shall be well.
I am sorry that you two, together with many more on this forum feel as you do.

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Bang on the money, I am really not far from being behind in this emotionally fckd up period time. Yes this time is ",personal "asit was the rock of my life. But I can’t change what was, and when I open up after the how are you, the window blinds of the eyes come down. Believe me the past two weekends have been finding something to not just remember Helen by, like a song, or the rare tv programme. At this time (I was a footy fan, rugby fan, war movies, thrillers, even a Poirot, suddenly no, just no thanks, my values have been redirected. I had a passion for bird watching, fishing, military history, I have been walking around a local rspb, to get out of 1. The house and its associations with grief. 2 I get to talk with people who have no idea of what has happened, and I can be me, I have forgotten whom I have been. I have had 8 years as a carer nurse, I don’t regret and I have decided to take my life back, be positive. I have been talking about helping at several places for odd weekends, weeks I work nights.
In my time I lost good mates through events as a soldier, 18 in one go, 7 in another, relatives a many older and younger.
Helen is closer and more involved more personal.
Helen has been there for me, and she would expect little less for our kids, 45 42 41 32 31 , as well as friends very much affected by her. I have no ideal answer, but you two and others have pulled me up what was your phrase, stop beating myself up. Well as the big texan said (bad john wayne impression), get of your but(horse) and drink ya milk cowboy.
Dave, Jay, my turn

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Yes Dave, the medics who are human made a mistake, do you think that the bad feelings by returning to them, carrying the negative around on a billboard. Sorry my friend, bad news the moment is here, Stand up walk to the top of the hill, the highest one, and do two things, well 3. On your way take a container of water, to put a fist in.
Okay scream, and what was is the result. You get it out of your system, the jackdaw had a more definate dhxt,but everyone else carrys on. When you put your fist of pent up hate in, and take it out, the difference is a wet hand, a a container of water slightly less water in, what did you achieve the answer to “why the water?.” Is there a point.
Look around you and look again and again, something will grab your attention. Lord knows what.
Thats your bag.
You’re a friend on here, and I am returning the shoulder, etc.
You’re a mate and strangely I care for both of you.

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I agree, Colin, on the day Stan died, the doctor had been to see him a few hours earlier. I would have thought that she would have picked up on his condition but she obviously didn’t. I can honestly say that despite the heartbreak I am going through, bitterness is not an emotion with which I am familiar. I am grateful for the many years which we had together, I am not being smug. I shall always love him and I shall always be grateful for the many years which we had together.
I feel for anyone who are bitter. Sometimes the longer you are together, the harder it is to part,

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I’m not bitter I just want answers. The excuse of them missing something so easily detectable as menapause for over 3 years is not right. They just give excuses of ’ she didn’t pester them’. And we are supposed to trust them

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Thank you for your reply,

Hi Colin, Dave and Jay. I am in a dark place too and I am angry with doctors and nurses and the surgeon who operated on my darling husband. Also the undertaker who organised Ron’s funeral. Ron was feeling so much better before the surgeon persuaded him to have a Nano knife operation for pancreatic cancer. He had only done this very delicate operation on 12 people before Ron and I think it was just another notch in his belt. He never told us how the operation involved 32stitches and how it would stop Ron from eating again. My husband was so weak after the op he was admitted to hospital on a Women’s ward where the staff did not know anything about pancreatic cancer. They told me he had developed sepsis but the ward was not clean and he was not being supervised with liquid meal. His condition worsened and then the surgeon went on holiday and it took four attempts to see anyone who knew what was happening. The ward was dirty the nurses had no idea what was happening and my husband just deteriorated. I was told by one consultant that my husband was dying and then when the surgeon came back he said everything was fine. I felt I could not trust anyone. My husband passed away three months after his operation after being admitted to hospice supposedly to help him eat. Then the hospice told me that his body could be kept there until I organised an undertaker. They rang me several times the day after insisting they had no room to keep him. I had to find an undertaker at 7pm and was unable to choose the one of my choice. Then they gave me a wreath which was nothing like the one I ordered and they insisted that I needed to collect my husband’s ashes myself which I was not up to as it was only the day after the funeral and I was devastated. They then agreed to release them to my son in law. I felt so bitter and angry at the hospital but too distressed to file a complaint within the 12month time period. I applaud you for going ahead with your complaint Jay because we are talking about precious lives here. I think professionals become uncompassionate to grief and just pass on to the next person but we have lost the most important person in our life. I was disgusted at the way in which the hospital played with my husbands life
The ward was filthy, and not one single nurse could tell me if there had been any developments to his condition when I asked. I waited 2hours once to see the consultant I had booked an appointment with and he never turned up. I am trying to accept these things happen but like Jay feels, it is unacceptable. So sorry to ramble on.

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Dear Mary,
I think a lot of what we accept comes down to temperament. I have to say I don’t think I would be as gracious as you were when you say you would have thought the doctor would have picked up on something but obviously didn’t. I don’t know all the details of course but too often I feel doctors are slow in questioning whether they could have done something differently. It’s not a case of apportioning blame but learning for the future. A more open culture of being to ask why someone has died unexpectedly would save so much distress to surviving relatives and improve future patient outcomes. So often doctors become defensive and this leads to mistrust, rightly or wrongly.
I know that my husband died suddenly from a preventable cause. Diagnostic tools which could have identified the unknown risk he had exist in GP practice but are discretionary rather than mandatory. I am now endeavouring to find out why GPs are given so much discretion with little check ups on the result of a particular decision. I do feel bitter that my husband has been denied his retirement potentially because one doctor decided not to do what was recommended. If I felt that all that could have been done was done, I wouldn’t feel bitter but it wasn’t and I do. Added to the overwhelming shock of sudden death a failure to acknowledge and learn is an added burden.
This is not meant to get at all doctors but there are definitely some who would do well to acknowledge their shortcomings. quite simply to listen and learn.
Some of you reading this will agree, others most definitely won’t. That’s one of the benefits of this forum. Bitterness is awful but sometimes it’s inevitable and understandable.
Learning how not to be bitter is not easy when grieving.
Again I think you are unusually gracious. Take care.

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Dear Jobar,
Thank you for your very kind message, I do appreciate your words, I suppose it could depend upon age. I am an old lady of 80, Stan and I had 59 years of marriage, before then we had 3 years together when we were courting (an old fashioned term). I count my lucky stars that we had all those years. I am not smug, I thank God for all those years, I do understand when some of my friends on this forum lose their loved ones at so young an age. I am no stranger to grief, in less than 3 years I lost my beloved much younger brother, quite suddenly, my dear best friend of 72 years died suddenly from a stroke died 6 months later, the worst loss of all was 11 months ago when I found Stan on our bedroom floor he had died, I knew that he wasn’t well yet I never expected to lose him.
I feel for each and every one of you who has lost their loved ones so young, I am so sorry that you lost your husband.
I wish you Peace x x x

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hi Jobar
maybe my thinking is wrong but some doctors think they are gods they talk like
only what they think matters.
I complained about why the whole body is not scanned in follow up appointments
after having a cancerous mass removed.i stated that if a full body scan was done on the 10th may 2018 the early signs of secondary breast cancer could of been found.
they mention costs,i told them the majority of patients would sooner pay for a full scan than be given something that can only spot the early signs in the breasts only.
these in my opinion arseholes again pointed out costs and that patients had been told to point out any concerns about pains or other symtoms to their doctor.
when a person whose very positive is told that the pains caused by the after affects of the operation,the side effects of the drugs taken ,the side effects of the radiotherapy and cancer returning could give very similar symptoms,the positive patient wont think cancer will they.
and why should the patient be responsible for contacting the doctor,the doctor should give every last bit of info a cancer patient needs and the choice to have a full body scan every year as oppose to a scan which just looks at the breast and the tissues around them .and told about costs.my Jaynes life is worth more than any amount of money it would of cost,and even if it wouldn’t of saved her in the long run,we wouldn’t of had to find out 2 weeks before I lost my baby Jayne.and id put my life on it that nothing as been changed cancer patients with breast cancer get lump removed have radio therapy and some are put on hormone replacement medication,and only the breasts are scanned looking at the breast area when secondary breast cancer can return any where in the body.
I know hes expensive but Noel the super vet shows more concern for all animals well fare than doctors do for human lives.
thats my take and I aint happy.sorry if ive offended anyone ,but im annoyed that we have such a lax way of treating breast cancer patients grrrr.

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Thank you Mary. I know you have suffered terribly losing Stan so suddenly and after a whole lifetime together it’s impossible to overestimate the effect of that loss. My parents were married for 72 years and I have seen the effect on my mum since my father died last June. She is also very sad but like you equally grateful to have had such a long and happy marriage and not at all smug. I am just heartbroken not to have had such good fortune. My husband deserved so much better.
Xx

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So much love and care here, I’m overwhelmed. June and i were together for 45 years. I know she doesn’t wnat me to be chewed up by this. Her Death Certificate is a lie, but no point in challenging it, that won’t bring her back. I will not become that person she didn’t like or care for, we’re better than that

thing is not every one is only thinking of them selves,
me im thinking a life lost should be learnt from,and other ladies and their partners should not have to be treated so badly.please dont tell me or anyone who thinks their partner was not treated well, to not want to help others.

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Hi Ian,
I agree wholeheartedly about the need for whole body scans and it’s heartbreaking what happened to Jayne. It’s shortsighted to cut corners for reasons of cost as ultimately the cost of care for someone in the later stages of illness is so much more. That doesn’t take into account the emotional cost for those left behind which is devastating and ongoing. It should never be the case that someone lives or dies because a treatment isn’t seen as cost effective. I also agree with you that patients should be given more information on their illness and not left to decide what is or isn’t worth mentioning.
Some doctors are more approachable and willing to listen but others are not. None of us is immortal but given that life expectancy is generally increasing its so difficult to accept when that doesn’t apply to our loved ones.
I share your concerns about how some people seem to fall through the net and nothing is learned.
Thinking of you.

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