thank you very much Jobar .
for your kind words of support.
hopefully in not to distant future things will change for the better.
we can but hope.
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June was treated well. The doctors missed some clues. But that doesn’t change the fact that she’s not here. I refuse to be that bitter, respesentful person, my June would hate me to become that. Not saying that professionals shouldn’t admit their mistakes and learn from them, but nothing changes the fact that June is no longer here and frankly, nothing else matters to me. We and trhey are human and mistakes happen, not through design or intent, but because we all make mistakes. Just take care of yourselves and remember what it is that you loved about them
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please please stop ,making this all about you.others have had very poor treatment and rather than stick their heads in the sand and do nothing to change the situation.your happy ok .but dont expect us all to just think about number one and dont say they make mistakes and thats human,what we have is scanning of only the breasts and breast cancer can re appear any where in the body so a full scan is needed,please dont tell me what to do,i know others could be saved with a full scan.you dont care well thats your choice.
im very sorry Jay for infesting your thread.and sorry your getting responses from people who seem think its best do bugger all and think of number one.if no one complains then nothing can ever change.sadly some seem think its not worth saving other peoples lives as long as they are ok.
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Sorry if you’ve misunderstood what I was trying to say. I’m very aware that mistakes happen and I’m not saying to ignore them. What I was tyring to say is not to be bitter and defined by that, be angry and try and hold the culprits accountable (easier said than done), but don’t become a nasty, vindictive person. Those we have lost would not want that.
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Hi Dave,
I am very aware that you are also grieving and have only recently lost your much loved wife June of 45 years and am so sorry you find yourself on this forum.
Perhaps I should have used the word resentful rather than bitter when I describe the aftermath of my husbands sudden death. He was the least vindictive person anyone could meet and believed in letting things go.
However sometimes events occur which cannot be dismissed without comment.
Yesterday my two sons and I joined a zoom meeting with representatives from the hospital where my husband died in a&e. It has taken eight months to get to this point but we did. The upshot of our complaint is that they admitted that what happened to my husband was wrong and led to potentially more serious implications for both my sons. We have been invited to participate in a training video for new doctors in due course to try and portray the consequences of what happens when people are ignored. Although it won’t bring my husband back, for my younger son in particular who witnessed my husbands death, it goes someway to helping him find a positive out of what has been an utterly negative loss. The acknowledgement that my husband did indeed deserve better vindicates our decision to pursue our complaint.
A report came out last week into how women in particular have been harmed by drugs and procedures in the past. It concluded that on too many occasions patients were not listened to and as a result mistakes continued to be made. I am hoping against hope that this will lead to a more open culture of patient care. It’s in everyone’s interest to encourage a dialogue with doctors and make the system more patient centred. Good doctors, not just patients, are let down by their less dedicated colleagues and also deserve better.
In hindsight I think bitterness is not what I feel but I don’t feel guilty for doing what I’ve done. My husband wouldn’t like me as a bitter old woman just seeking retribution but I think he would be proud of me and particularly our sons who are determined to see that he’s not just an inaccurate statistic. What was missed in my husbands case has implications for them and for that to have been dismissed is unthinkable.
The last thing I want is to distress or criticize another person in their grief but we’re all different.
Take care.
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Thank you for that. With all the strong emotions and confusion we’re experiencing it’s very easy to misunderstand a comment, or pgrase something badly. I so sorry that you lost your husband due to error and lack of concern - tat is inexcusable and must make it that much more difficult for you. It’s good to hear that you’ve finally got their attention and they’re involving you in trying to avoid repeating that situation. all too often these organisations close ranks, deny and try and blame the victim. I agree that your husband should be proud of what you and your sons are doing, you are making a difference.
We’re all hurting and can see no end to the pain, like you, the last thing I want to do is cause more distress to anyone. Look after yourself.
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Hi. Mary. Yes, I was going to say the same thing but hesitated. I doubt very much if the above guys will feel in any way forgiving, it’s far too soon and I understand only too well why they feel as they do. Bitterness and unforgiving are very powerful and corrosive emotions. They can eat into our very soul and make life even more difficult.
Please guys, don’t think I am minimising your feelings. No way!!
Like all of us the medics can and do make mistakes. The only difference is we can maybe correct ours, they can’t.
It is so difficult to know what to say without seeming harsh and uncaring. Words are totally inadequate to describe such pain.
Please take this post in the spirit in which it was intended.
Best wishes. John.
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I wrote a letter of complaint to the hospital about the way my wife was treated in hospital. This also included the manner in which she was told she only had hours left. Up to that point we thought she was coming home. I also asked why my questions were being ignored and the way the nurse treated me after and how insensitive she was.
Am I just meant to accept it. Obviously some do
hi Jonathan
i wish you would please read my story and tell me how the annual scanning of the whole body of a lady whose had cancerous lump removed.instead of the scanning of only the breasts.is me being bitter or unforgiving.
and how you saying its to early or other remarks.the system at present leaves lots of ladies lifes relying on getting lucky with the scanning of only the breasts.and me thinking its something that every lady whose had a cancerous lump removed should just have the breasts scanned every year at check up time.
my issue is that patients should be given the option to pay extra if its the costs involved which make them only scan the breasts.as like ive said it will not always save more lives but will at least catch the returning cancer earlier thus giving ladies a better chance of survival.
so were are you reading bitterness were are you reading anger,were are you seeing something which isnt there.imm not angry im finding it strange that you are implying from your post that its my grief or because i lost Jayne.
its because im going through hell losing my baby Jayne that i feel and know Jayne would not want other ladies to fall through the net because they have not had a full body scan to try discover the early signs of breast cancer which can reappear in any part of the body.
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Have you had a response from the hospital jay? 
Jay the path you are on is the lonelinest of all and I wonder if you have an advocate to help you in your quest for answers. Without the support of my sons my resolution would have faltered along the way. Unfortunately the system often assumes that people just give up seeking answers or improvement because it requires huge amounts of energy when we are at our lowest ebb. How are loved ones are treated has a huge impact on how we recover if that’s the right word. probably better to say how we survive. Perhaps the PALS service at the hospital could help you address the concerns you have about Allison’s treatment. we all know it won’t bring her back but it might help you heal. What I do know is that it’s hard to do alone. I really hope you get someone to support you. X
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Yes every excuse you can think of. This includes Allison not being able to answer questions so why did they not ask me? The excuse for the way the nurse spoke to me about her property was she helped me to the car with some bags.
Just not right. This has totally knocked me back.
And the disagreements on here don’t help.
Fortunately, I have little personal experience of cancer. However, my brother died from pancreatic cancer but sadly he was never going to live long enough to have an annual scan. My sister recovered from bowel cancer and she does have annual scans (just on that part of the body). This chat is interesting because I honestly hadn’t given it much thought before. I find myself agreeing Ian with the whole body scan thing because, as we know, a secondary cancer can follow the primary and not necessarily in the same area. Therefore, a whole body scan would make perfect sense and possibly save someone’s life by picking up early as there is not always signs or symptoms until too late. When my sister goes for her next scan I might suggest a whole body one and see what the response is. Thank you for this chat, you have enlightened me. xx
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Hello Jay. Jobar gives good advice. I used the PALS service after my husband passed. Not because I had a complaint but because I needed understanding. It was an excellent service and I was able to get what I needed which definitely helped me. Of course, they couldn’t give me what I really needed, which was my husband back, but they were a great help. It’s worth a try Jay. xx
You can maybe see why I hesitated to comment. Maybe I was wrong to say anything. I lost my wife 18 months ago in very sad circumstances. Like you, the pain is still very much there. I did ask that everyone took my post in the spirit in which it was intended, with love and understanding. Wishing you well. John.
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im not angry Jonathan ,im very disappointed that the medical profession put money before lives and like ive said lots and lots of ladies are falling through the net because the policy is not changing.and no doubt other people are not getting full body scans etc because they cost to much . me and i bet loads of people would happily pay for something which may save their lives or at least give them a better chance of survival.
and though im far from coping with losing Jayne,im concerned that others are losing their lives daily because they wont change the way things are done.
and sadly making comments on here wont change anything but just want show i care about my fellow humans,and thats mostly because my baby Jayne would do any thing to help any body and i know she wouldnt want others to go through the trauma and heartache weve been through.
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I complained and asked questions through PALS they escalated it to complaints and they wrote back with 4 pages of excuses including Allison could not remember all the information. So why did they not contact me?
Jay I also received a letter two weeks ago from the hospital CEO as a result of my contact with PALS. It was a hurried response to a deadline for a response and did not address our concerns. We requested a face to face but settled for zoom in the current climate. It worked better than I thought it would and all four participants from the hospital agreed that seeing us had a totally different impact on their attitude to our original complaint. They all said they were moved by our plight and genuinely seemed to want to learn. One of the things I found most distressing in the hospital is that my husband was treated with utter lack of compassion and dignity. After our meeting we were no longer faceless and the consequences of his treatment were acknowledged.
The speed with which his inaccurate death certificate was issued has also been recognised as deeply flawed. We have had to keep pushing and pushing and have a way to go yet. try not to give up if you need more answers.
I don’t underestimate how hard it is but do what is right for you.
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It is understandable that Jobar and Jay feel so upset at how their loved ones died. There are unforunately some medical staff who sometimes fail to live up to the expectations, and justice is to get them to acknowledge this when it happens. It is the least we can do. There are also occasions when it isn’t the fault of a doctor, because they’re just following guidelines set out by organisations like NHS England and NICE. We’re the sixth largest economy in the world, and yet for 9 out of 10 cancers our cancer survival rate is below the European average. This I think is unacceptable.
We all know what grief is, no one’s grief is worse than someone else’s, but if you lost your loved one due to lack of care and you feel bitter, no one should tell them they shouldn’t be feeling this way. I don’t think it is helpful to police people’s emptions, and I wish Jobar and Jay and Ian can get the justice they deserve, not only for their own sake, but for the sake of others in future so that these mistakes are not repeated.
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