I just don’t want anyone else to suffer the way we have. Misdiagnosis from doctors over a 3 year or longer period. Cold uncaring concultant and totally insensitive nurses (not all)
My girl was a staff nurse for over 20 years.
My feelings are undescribable 
It’s awful, Jay. You should have spent at least the next 10 years of your life with her. Now you might have to spend the next 30 to 40 years without her. If someone makes a genuine mistake, a human error, then we can accept it. Mistakes happen, no one was to blame. But when someone dies because of negligence, because of lack of care, then no, we should never accept it. We should do everything we can to get answers and justice, and no one should tell you you shouldn’t be feeling this way or that. All the best,
I think that’s what is worse. The future without her.
I understand mistakes happen but that’s how we learn. But constant mistakes for over 3 years then the cruel treatment in hospital.
An animal gets treated better in the vets.
Hi Abdullah,
You are such an empathetic person and your posts reflect this. I absolutely agree that no-ones grief is any greater than anyone else’s. Unfortunately some of us have encountered less than helpful members of the medical profession (not all are so unhelpful) and when we do it adds to the effects of grief which are bad enough. I am not offended by being advised to let it go. My own mum and sister, both of whom have lost their husbands, have urged me to accept my grief and not constantly look for answers. I obviously missed out on the calm gene as it has never been in my nature to accept what I don’t think is inevitable. The NICE guidelines you mention are clearly flawed in that they are not mandatory in all cases and subject to the individual interpretation of a doctor. our high death rate for certain conditions such as cardiac and cancer deaths when compared with other similar countries surely should ring alarm bells and perhaps prompt a look at the guidelines. I can’t help but feel that there is an acceptable level of collateral damage when policy is determined. For all the wrong and very sad reasons I think the covid crisis will accelerate a long hard look at how decisions are made and the need to listen.
I do feel that how we are listened to has a vital impact on the whole miserable experience of grief.
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I’m only here to look after her 87 year old mother. After that can’t see the point and don’t want to be here.
When her mums time is up I’ve kept my promise.
Jaye, fully agree with you… need to get my 40 year old daughter sorted (she’s in a tough place place with other issues, not just her mum). When she’s ok, that’s it
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Never felt like this before. Even in though times always had my girl. This has and is continually destroying me with the lies and excuses from local GP and hospital consultants.
Conncidering she was a staff nurse at a local hospital for over 20 years the NHS let one of their own down.
I am so proud of my girl.
Hi Jobar, thank you for your kind words. It is good you are not offended when people tell you you need to let it go, I probably would be a bit upset if people did not appreciate why it is important not to let it go. I totally agree that the guidelines are flawed, I understand that there is a limit on how much you can spend on healthcare and that sadly you cannot save everyone, but with an ageing population it has been clear that more money needs to be invested into the health service than previously, yet the annual rate increase over the past decade was a lot lower than previously. Sadly there is too much politics involved in running our NHS, and it is the people who use it who have to suffer.
You and your sons should be proud of how you have held those who did not give your husband the care he deserved to account. Had you been the one who died I am sure he would have done everything possible to get answers and justice for you, and this is exactly what you and the family have done. Hopefully lessons will be learnt and no one else will have to suffer the heartache you have suffered due to avoidable death.
Life will go on, Jay. Even after Allison’s mum dies, you will have to continue with you life. It is an awful tragedy you have suffered, and your life feels like hell. Your future has been ripped out. Every day is a struggle, every month will be a struggle for the forseeable future, and there isn’t anything I can say that will take away the pain. What I will say is that Allison would be proud of how much you love her and how you have not let her be forgotten. None of us knew Allison, but through your posts, we have got to learn a bit about the woman she was, and so even in death, she lives on at this site.
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Thank you for being so kind. I took a massive emotional tumble last night after getting home from work and finding a letter from the hospital full of excuses for giving below standard care. I’m not and have never been after compensation I just want them to acknowledge the poor care they gave to one of their own. A nurse.
Yes, acknowledgement is more important than compensation, that’s what those of us who lost someone who didn’t get the care they deserve want more than anything else, but unfortunately it can be very difficult for them to admit their mistakes. Coming home to an empty home must be an awful feeling, the last thing you need is to then receive a letter where they are making excuses.
How is the cat? Does she help keep you slightly busy? Are your work colleagues being understanding?
Thanks for asking. The cat helps ma alot as the phone has now gone silent. Work colleagues are very understanding and some are not sure what to say but plenty are being supportive. I’m at work but not doing a lot as struggling with the change of routines. Calling Allison at lunch time and asking about dinner.
Having to fight my emotions constantly.
Just a constant struggle living day to day. Can’t see a light yet out of this hell of a tunnel I’m in. I just wished we had gone together.
Do you have any family? I know what you mean when you say people stop asking, I have just one friend left who keeps asking about my dad, the rest act all normal now. That’s where family can help, and it is so good that I have my mum and brothers, because they all miss dad a lot and we can all talk with each other if we’re having a bad day, although I try not to talk too much to mum as it would upset her.
It’s good the cat occupies you a bit. That’s what you need. Yeah, it must be awful thinking about the future, as your whole life involved Allison. It is always difficult for people who have no distractions like children or parents or close family, to cope. How about neighbours? Do you have neighbours you can now visit? This lockdown sure doesn’t help.
I had the same with my husband. 3 years back & forward to docs, before he was diagnosed with prostrate cancer,by then it was in his bones,
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I used to go to work to earn to took after my girl, have a nice home and enjoy time away together. Now I feel like I’m here to ensure her mum gets looked after in her final years and deal with what happens next. Then what. Just don’t want to be here anymore
Hi Jay
Its was the same for me the Doctors kept telling my husband it was intergestion but no it was cancer. Too late now our dreams are my dreams of what will never be thanks to them.
Linda x
I just don’t know how they get away with it.
4 cancers diagnosed as menapause then gets to hospital also has multiple organ failure and I get 2 days. Totally smashed my world, dreams, future. Just don’t know hot to recover from this and I’ve always been a strong person.
Hi Rainbow - lost my youger brother to liver cancer in March - started as Prostrate cancer and by the time it was diagnosed it was too late. Also caused the death of my mother in may - broken heart.
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I won’t lie its hard its been 16 months since i lost my Paul and its still hurts. I try not to think about the doctors its hard. Just try to think of Allison, and remember although it feels like it you are not alone. Xx
Me too ,its been 5 months since I lost my husband of 25 years ,were supposed t go back t our country, we ve a house 2 mts from the beach ,we went there t leave his ashes ,and I stay for 2 months ,but that place now it’s not ours anymore, so I returned home ,and still cant leave the bed I’m 49 he was 55 and in 3 months I saw my strong beautiful guy in pain I’ll never forget, our daughter is in so much pain but I have t b extra careful what I say ,shes afraid t b alone ,if I go ,we use t do everything together so now my life ,is a nightmare, and people tell m t move on ,what an utter rubbish!!sooo sad !so I understand very well your pain!try t have don’t know what but be strong!!!
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