I went for a wee trip to St Andrews with my daughter- somewhere we often went for a walk on the beach and an Genettas ice cream.
It was good to be busy and there was a great buzz to the town as it is freshers week, so there were lots of new students as well as tourists around.
But all I could see were happy couples and happy students and my family have lost all of that.
Sitting now at home trying to hold it together for my kids but from Monday it will be just me and my youngest as the others return to their uni courses.
Not sure what I will do with my time during the day. Maybe get a chance to properly grieve in some peace without having to push it all down all the time.
Life is just so sad now all the time. How to move forward is still a mystery to me and I donāt know how I will ever manage the pain and desolation that I feel without him.
As you say, the kids need me now more than ever so they are my reason to keep getting up each and every day.
Sending huge hugs and lots of love and strength to you all. Xx
Been thinking a lot today and thatās how I feel , just constantly sad . The initial shock and devastation has worn off after 6 months , i know sheās not coming back , but canāt seem to shake this constant feeling to the pit of my stomach of sadness .
I saw this the other day and it pretty much sums up how Iām feeling
I think we are meant to feel this sadness and all the emotions that we go through. Itās our connection to them. There are no shortcuts through any of it. Why would there be? Our minds may have acknowledged our loss and accepted whatās happened but the heart as itās own way of coping with it all. I truly believe until both mind and heart sync together this is how it is. It also scares me if that sadness went, because although itās horrible, if it went away it would mean he was getting further away from me if that makes any sense?
I am trying to slowly find me again as an individual, I donāt know who I am anymore because half of me is missing, which it is, but I need to work out who I am now and thatās the struggle I think we all have at some point.
I have stopped counting days, months now because it changes absolutely nothing and just made everything worse than it already is. My love wonāt change whether itās 6 days, 6weeks, 6months or 6years but again we all cope differently but one thing that is true for all of us is we need to be kind to ourselves
I donāt know about everyone else but a huge part of the sadness I feel is missing who I was ,because death and grief changes who you were forever, so you are not only grieving them you are also grieving YOU
Iād say you are probably right on that, I donāt know who I was 7 months ago! I probably never will. Itās such a harsh reality to realise that you are no longer a wife/husband in the eyes of the law, you are now single, your not Jen & Dave or blah & blah anymore. Your just you and you donāt even know who āYOUā is
Oh KtG itās like a perfect storm isnāt it. Widowhood & empty- nester ( and peri-menopause crap for me too)
Iām dreading next week but at the same time need some space. My youngest will be back after school, but she has just started a new job at the weekends so I have no idea how I am going to fill up all this spare time !
I do have some hobbies but many I have lost as we did them together.
Is going to be a huge adjustment so will need time I think xx
Yes that resonates with me. I miss being cheerful, content, enthusiastic and positive about the future. And I really miss being understood and accepted for myself , warts and all.
So three nice things have happened since I last posted. I discovered a letter on the doorstep and itās the money from the in-service death insurance. A friend knocked on the door and she bought me a huge bouquet of sunflowers. And earlier today my son missed the Tesco delivery and I thought it had been lost and it was ready for him to go to uni - but just 10 minutes ago there was a knock on the door and they had brought it back despite the fact that they tried to deliver at 1 oāclock today. They had still brought it back and this evening at 8 oāclock.
All that sadness I was feeling it but three mini miracles that something!
Dino13 my husband died 15 weekās on Sunday and I feel the same. I know heās not coming back but everyday i hope itās a nightmare i will wake up from. Somehow we carry on with life but unfortunately itās a different life and i fight everyday for my son but itās not easy and sometimes i donāt want to get up and carry on. Big hugs
JD8639 i agree with you we build a life with our love oneās and then just gone and then we have to carry on for our families and if you have children like i have my son at home. We have a different life we then have to rebuild it and make the best of it i think. My husband would want me to rebuild our life for our son and daughters. Even though some days i donāt know how to carry on. Big hugs
Rosiejack i understand i lost my bestie to covid over 2 years ago and then my dad in April my darling husband in June and Iāve had cancer and one of my daughters and lost many more to cancer and itās a horrible illness itās hard to try and stay positive and keep fighting sending hugs to you
Rosiejack i had bladder cancer 8 years ago and I was one of the lucky oneās to survive and it donāt matter what you eat it can still happen and i went doctors 3 times and told them something was wrong and life is cruel and hard but we have to keep going and always go doctors because not everyone dies from cancer and Iām living proof of that. Big hugs
but itās not easy and sometimes i donāt want to get up and carry on. Big hugs 
itās hard to try and stay positive and keep fighting