8 weeks since I lost my husband- life changed overnight

new member here. it is now a painful 8 wks since my wonderful husband unexpectantly and suddenly died… he was 50yrs. It would have been his birthday the day after !
Im left with our 2 daughters - 23 (doesnt live near) and our youngest 13yrs. Its so hard to keep going.
He died in the middle of the night with me frantically doing CPR before paramedics arrived- sadly there was nothing to do to save him. I feel I am in an absolute daze every minute of the day- longing for him to walk back through the door- friends and family- unless they too have suffered such a loss- simply cant understand the pain. Im reaching out for others that understand the thoughts, the emptiness, the fear… how do I go on. He was everything to me…

Contemplating going back to work- simply for the distraction- but some days/hours I sit like a zombie- not sure I could function in my pressurised job, and also I have the thought that if I return to work, would it feel like Ive moved on??

I look at his photo in the office- starring at it now as I type- do others talk to their lost one, asking for advice, shouting why have you left me??? please come back… I know these are all stages of grief- man this is tough !

Im trying to work through paperwork and finances too- it leaves a sickening feeling in my gut when discussing pension/insurrance pay outs- ALL i want is him back-not money in the bank… Feels horrendous. Yet, I know this is the next chapter- survival- so I have to seek advice around how I cope with one income now- will the kids be ok, can I pay mortgage- It is all scary topics to deal with, and then I stop and wish he was in the room to chat to- like we used to- Im sure he never really listened half the time-blokes seldom do !-but I miss the chatting- about silly stuff at the end of the day. This is where loneliness is creeping in, night after night- of sitting on my own- and now with winter on the horizon, I will admit the loneliness and feeling of loss scares me- are others feeling this???

24 Likes

Hi Flanterman,
My heart goes out to you. It is such early days for you,getting through hr by hr is enough for now to get through,my husband to died suddenly at 50 heart attack,the shock and disbelief is unreal,that was 10mths ago.,how I made it even this long I don’t know as all I wanted to do was die be with him,I will never get over death of Mark will try get through it.i do have ok days others not so good,especially the first of anything without them so so hard,I have to think now what I want to do as I worked in my husbands company so had to close thst down to and think now job wise what will I do ,going to wait and take time out for myself as still an emotional wreck.maybe others further down the Rd can help you more all I can say is take it easy on yourself and day by day hr by hr,you are not alone ,hugs and love to you :heart:

2 Likes

thank you for your message- I totally feel the same- still in trauma/shock/disbelief too. He was a healthy man too so would never have thought he would have dropped down dead from heart problem. I am listening to others in taking day by day- small steps- but some days are so hard and painful. Everyone around me keeps saying Im so brave and amazing- I dont think I am- I have been forced into this situation and spent last few wks doing all the process stuff. Now I sit and wonder what will my life be without Sean. He was my best friend too- makes it harder. Im sorry to hear your loss of your hubby Mark- it just makes you think life is sh*t doesnt it?

2 Likes

Can totally understand your feelings ,only people that have being through what we have been through can only relate.
Yes we are greifing many loses ,like best freind list goes on.like mark healthy fit ,so wasn’t expected .
Reaching out way you are will help abit by reading others stories how they are coping don’t kniw if you hav heard of widows.ie found it very good to as van post on their peiole will answer back .plus can read all older posts maybe worth checking out to.

Dear Flantheman

As others have said it is still very early days in your journey. I am 12 months ahead of you. My husband was killed in a road traffic accident so no goodbyes. So yes I have spent hours shouting at him for leaving me, begging him to come back and then collapsing in a heap on the floor and sobbing. It is a very tough journey and not one that I or others asked for.

I am still going through Probate. Like yourself I would rather have no money and just be with my husband. Some of the companies are better than others but I am left to feel on occasions as if I am stealing from my husband. He had worked so hard for this, we were about to start retirement and now he is gone. I am sure that you have already been advised but there is a DWP payment that may be available to you. You only have so long to apply.

We had already decided I was going to give up work and retire so that’s what I did. Not sure that I would have been able to function in anycase. Perhaps have a word with work and explore a phased return when you feel ready.

The first few months I was absolutely terrified. I have never lived on my own until now. The feelings have subsided a bit but I spent hours talking with my bank etc to ensure that they could help me protect the bank account from scammers. The mobile phone company also helped send me information.

I note that you have a teenager. Our children do not always share they feelings with us as they want to protect us - sure you have already spoken with the school but ensure they have in place support if she feels she needs it. I know our two adult kids felt the impact of their dads sudden death and both received counselling.

Please go at your own pace. Continue to use this forum there are good people on here who will support you.

Sheila

2 Likes

thank you Sheila for your kind words. I am usually rather an inpatient person, so living/surviving day by day is in itself a challenge- I have certainly learnt the value of things that matter though.
I applied for the widow benefit- thank you.

I too feel terrified of “going it alone”- I always liked being a couple- another adjustment

1 Like

29 weeks for me since I lost my darling Valerie.
I have become obsessed with photos of her.
There’s always one within sight, even in the car.
I wonder at how I was so lucky to have found such a wonderful wife.
So lonely now.

1 Like

I know no other life other than being a couple. We were together 42 years and married over 38. I was once a strong person but no longer. I stumble through each day only managing to pull myself together for the time when I have the two grandkids. In the blink of an eye my life changed and most things have no value now.

2 Likes

Hi… you hit the nail on the head I’m.in same boat…
The paperwork chasing etc is totally heartbreaking I sit here with the TV on but m.not watching it… bedtime horrendous the other night I thought I heard him in kitchen… no
I don’t know how to carry on…
I’ve 4 kids all adults all got their own lives now will they still need me,? I’m so scared…

1 Like

I am so sorry about your wonderful husband it is so hard lost my husband a year ago November 11th so it’s a hard road your travelling you take care of yourself lv annie

2 Likes

Bless ya soooo hard…
We had mobility car course thats gone back now so I’m walking everywhere which in a way is good but it also isn’t…
Christmas coming how gonna do.it?
My husband was my rock my all now I’ve gotta fend for myself I can’t…sorry if I sound like a wimp but I just can’t do it sooo raw…

Your not a wimp it’s a hard road we travel lv annie

It’s very early days for you and like me you are still in shock. I lost my husband 5 weeks ago 3 days after his 51st birthday. He went into hospital and was told he needed 10 days of treatment and he never came out. I spent the first 2 weeks looking after everyone around as family came to stay, filling in paperwork, talking to companies and I hid away from the grief as if I was a robot.

Now the grief is hitting me bad but I try and put on a brave face and everyone says I’m so strong , but we are not strong we are broken.

Life is so cruel and there just doesn’t seem any future without them. All we can do is our best, go through the motions when we have to and when we don’t want to then we shouldn’t.

Most of my family and friends are a long way away and I feel so lonely but I talk to Scott all the time and there is nothing wrong with doing that. I tell him I love him and I miss him get angry with him for leaving me and then apologise to him for being angry keep talking to your husband there’s nothing wrong with that.

3 Likes

yes- very accurate- trauma and in shock still. Like you I attempt to put on brave face- but inside Im broken. I think all we can do is think of our husbands and keep putting one foot infront of the other. I kiss his photo every day- asking him how Im doing… then at other times I “have a go” at him for leaving with odd jobs around the house not finished. He did everything- it was only yesterday I put the dishwasher on first time !!!- he once said I stacked all the plates wrong years ago- so from that day that was another one of his jobs- silly isnt it… Im sure you will have similar thoughts/

It’s very raw isn’t it… people say I’m strong but I’m so not I’m in pieces… things need doing n I don’t know what to do…
My chris was in hospital n we bought him home his bed was in our front room I slept on sofa next to him… the morning he died was the most horrendous thing I have witnessed n when I shut my eyes thats all I see…
How can I sort my head out…
I don’t work because I was chris full time carer so I’m shut behind close doors slowly losing the plot…tx

yes- paperwork and process surrounding bereavement is hell. I have broken down so many times on phone calls just saying out loud my hubby died… BUT processes have to be done. I have a voice in my head saying survival mode and some home- some days- I get through it

Hi Flantheman
I too find it hard it’s been 4 months since she passed away.
She was thermally ill with cancer.
I can remember the day I had taken her to hospital just for a routine operation she passed away 4 days later unexpectedly.
We have been together 31 years and that’s the biggest part of my life.
I care for her while working part time as the chemo affected her badly.
I kept looking for a message from her mobile phone but nothing I miss her so much nothing can replace her .
I was lucky I suppose being there at the end but she was under so medication she couldn’t talk.
I find it hard texting this as tears are making my eyes sore
The hardest part is coming home from work and it’s a empty shell looking at chair where she sat.
I know it’s going to take years recover but still you have your children :heart:

2 Likes

Scott was exactly the same saying I didn’t load the dishwasher properly so he always done it. Yesterday I got cross with him because I didn’t know how to change the timer on the boiler !!

I know I hate talking to people on the phone too. I’ve even been on the phone told them Scott had died and they then said they needed to speak to the account holder do they not listen, they obviously don’t understand how painful it is for us to be doing these things.

People just don’t understand. I even had one family member, when I told them that I received a refund on something, say that’s good NO IT ISNT I DON’T WANT A REFUND I WANT SCOTT BACK.

4 Likes

let the tears flow when it hits you- thats what Im learning. yesterday was a tough day for me- spent all day lying on the landing where he took his last breath- crying/sobbing into the carpet. Today I have felt calmer- who knows what tomorrow will bring- thats the journey we are all on now- not sure where it will lead me, but we have to keep going and find strength from somewhere… saying that I have thought I dont want to be here- but that is so selfish and Sean would want me/demand I keep going…
I know I have to adjust as a widow- hate that word- I am a different person now- I feel it… it is so hard when we have spent years with another person- we just become entwined with them dont we. WE have to start over again- thats what it feels like for me. small steps, but at the time they all feel like HUGE steps- even the smallest of things. I understand the strange sensation of a quiet home- empty- we have to adjust to this- I put TV on constantly for noise- it doesnt really work, but some days stops the feeling of loneliness kicking in

It’s heartbreaking so many of us left behind I feel I’m being tortured,can’t stop my heart pounding today,Steve’s pictures are around me,can’t get used to being on my own after 51yrs of marriage so lonely without him,so many of us on here have similar thoughts sharing our grief x