Just recently joined, despite losing my husband of 30 years a little over 8 years ago. I hope this isn’t an insensitive question but I wondered if anyone else has tried dating, only to find that there date doesn’t understand that trying to make new connection is a huge challenge. I loved and adored my husband and he set the bar high. I only seem to meet those that are divorced and haven’t come from strong marriages. They seem to perceive that I am still stuck in the past and I can’t engage with someone who is just trying to find someone who is an improvement on their former relationship. It just compounds the loneliness, reminds me once more what I have lost and creates a barrier in dating. So tired of realising that I may never find that deep and beautiful connection of another. Once born from love, trust, respect and gentleness. I wonder if anyone else has experienced this and has any suggestions to bridge the gap? Many thanks for taking the time to read this. x
Welcome to the Community, I apologise for the delay in replying.
I apologise I cannot fully answer your post as I have personally have not experienced and been in your situation. You could type in the search bar dating and connect with members who may have been in a similar situation as yourself.
Please do continue to reach out and take care.
bravo for even trying.
I think what it means is that you have not met No. 2, The One.
I think it means, like with finding a partner, you are brave to date and put yourself
out there … but like with your husband, whom I imagine took a little time to connect with,
you have just not met the person you are most comfortable with.
go with the flow … and gently try and remind yourself how cool it is that you even do this.
no pressure … they say to let the universe unfold in its own time.
I envy you. I have not had a date in ten years. so what you are doing is really something, I think.
Someone told me that the thing he missed most was female company, but that doesnt mean anything romantic, it just means not excluding 50% of the population who could be friends.
My wife died 5 months ago, and this weekend I’m meeting a nice person for a pub lunch on Sunday, who just happens to be female. We enjoy each others company, no more than that.
As @berit says, just go with the flow, enjoy yourself. If the right man turns up, that’s brilliant. If he doesn’t, enjoy yourself . Meeting my wife just happened, I wasn’t looking for a wife at the time. Fate, I guess.
Gave it time
Theses dates you went on were not right for you
Hopefully you will find a new companion
As humans we are not meant to be on our own
But it is so hard when you have loved and loved someone so much
I loss my husband 4 years ago after 25 wonderful years together
Sometimes I would love someone to share my life with now
So please don’t give up Lesley
I hope you do find your new soul mate
Thank you too everyone that took the time to reply; it means so much. I had never considered that maybe the date just wasn’t the right one and that indeed, it is brave of me to even try. Thank you again for all the above replies. How funny that we assume that it must be us who is bringing the clutter of bereavement in to the mix. For me, I think I can bring years of experience of a beautiful marriage and connection to another who cares to appreciate it. If that is a threat or uncomfortable to them; then maybe it is their issue? Feel so much better for airing this, Love and luck to you all. x
Gosh I can’t believe how you have summed up exactly how I feel and have been in the same shoes as you. My husband of 35 years passed away 11 years ago and I tried dating but like you say the divorced blokes just don’t get it. They either have a hang up about competing with ‘the dead’ which isn’t true or just want to win one over on their ‘divorced partner’
So I like you would appreciate suggestions as to where we go to find someone else to grow old with and help with the loneliness
Hi Teena and thank you so much for your reply; it honestly made me smile and felt relief to hear that it wasn’t only me that has experienced this. Firstly, am sorry for your loss and as we both know, the time lapsed doesn’t make new experiences, such as dating, soften the hit! As you put it, the divorced ones at least have something that they are trying to improve upon whereas we are looking to find another who understands the value of a long and beautiful relationship. Am completely exhausted even trying any longer which is blooming sad to be honest; but its hard to hear that my love of another is a negative thing. I don’t compare but just expect that there may be some understanding of the challenges we face and the fears we have to overcome. Asking too much it seems! As to suggestions, am clean out of them. I did wonder whether only another widow would be the solution but it seems a bit odd maybe to target them!!! Thank god for family, friends and my dog. Will probably accept growing old with loneliness but so much better than being saddled with someone who you can’t relate to. Would prefer the love of good memory I think. Anyway, again, so lovely not to feel like I’m the only other who has experienced this but genuinely wished you weren’t in the same situation. Take care Teena and thank you so much.
Just can’t believe how what you say could be coming direct from me. It’s the first time I’ve thought someone gets it so it does make me feel better in a way. I too thought maybe it has to be a widower to understand my feelings but then I thought would that be too much sadness between us? I don’t know the answer just like you don’t either so Like you say maybe we just have to grow old lonely but with knowing we did have a lot of good happy years as a couple which some don’t have/get,
I wish you all the best and happiness with your family the same as myself. Big hugs xx
Wishing you much happiness also Teen, and thanks for taking the time to listen. xx
When you have had a really loving relationship for so long there is no replacing it. When you have been with someone since you were young, then you see each other through your ‘young’ eyes. That can never happen again. If you find someone you are comfortable with then it will be wonderful for you. I lost my husband five years ago and have no wish to become close with anyone else. I think men find this hard to understand. You will get by quite nicely doing your own thing. Reach out here on this site as you have done when you need to talk about your husband. We’re all here to listen and understand.
dont be in a hurry or worry about meeting someone else ,the more you search the less it will happen,it will happen when you least expect it
There’s a demographic aspect to this. Apparently, there are 7 widows for every widower. Personally, I’d love to find a companion, but I live in a very rural location and so my chances are slim, and I imagine the constant bursting into tears will be a negative. Also the whole “dead wife buried in the field” is going to be a bit of a passion killer.
I never ever thought I would be able to date again after I lost my beloved husband but a year after he died I met a lovely guy who is trustworthy, talented and makes me laugh. I thought it would be easy to fall in love with him but it isn’t. He is divorced (though bears no amonosity to his ex wife) and he has told me on several occasions how much he loves me but I still can’t commit because whatever he says or does, I still compare him to my late husband and any new memories will not relacethe old ones. . I was married for 20 yrs but was with my husband for 36 years in total and he wasn’t perfect but I felt utterly content and as one with him. He died 4 years ago but it stills feels like yesterday. I still feel lonely and sometimes utterly bereft to the extent I feel I do not deserve my new partner He in turn turn sees my late husband as a threat so I never mention him or feel able to cry on our anniversaries. It is really hard to find true love again and sometimes easier just to settle for companionship.
It’s is possible to find love again , a new kind of love , the old one will never die .
Every single one of us are different, there’s no book of how you should be after you lose your spouse/ partner .
Wait a year, two, 5 years , 5 months it doesn’t matter if you feel comfortable with someone and could strike up a relationship then go for it but be 100% honest with the other person at all times .
I wrote in an earlier post that many on here will never get involved with anyone ever again and that’s their choice , I respect it but it won’t be me . My love for Mandy with never ever die but I still have so much of a life to live and I won’t sit in a dark world and let it effectively end my life at 54 . It’s early days and yes judge me if you like but I’m going to date and I will find a partner , my choice just like the folk who will grieve forever .
way too young! absolutely!
p.s. I have heard of one couple, one never married, the woman a widow and they married,
they were friends in high school. he was dating a woman and she wanted to marry and she had money but he said no. she was not “the one.”
and because he waited, he married someone he had always loved.
same with some others I heard about … and she was nervous as she was heavy and on a walker. when they reunited, he liked her so much he left LA and moved to San Antonio and bought a house to be near her.
so that special relationship can be found … it may be rare but it sure is special, no matter the age.
I agree with you totally Glen54 , I am in a new relationship after losing my husband three years ago. It is not a big love story as I know I will never have that again but we get on amazingly well, laugh all the time and have the best times. We spend our weekends together and are going on our third holiday next week I never compare him to my husband as he is a totally different character but he has other great quality’s. We can’t change what has happened to us but our fate is in our own hands and we can write the next chapter in our lives. You can choose to sit at home wallowing in grief and sadness or push yourself to get out into the world and look for happiness again, as we all know life is too short and we should make the most of the time we have left.
I hope in time you are lucky enough to find someone who makes you happy again
I just wanted to let you know about our Looking to the future category. When a loved one dies, moving on can feel like an impossibility. There are no timescales to grief. But, after some time, you may reach a stage where you feel ready to make changes in your life. This may be moving area, house or job, or exploring new relationships. This is a safe place to discuss your feelings and experiences around topics like this, and to get support from people who have been there.
This thread is fine in this category, but wanted to share this with you in case you’d like to read some threads there too.
Your choice for sure & no one has a right to judge & I hope you find that someone.
I don’t think anyone chooses to grieve forever, well unless you completely shut yourself off forever, we all know life can change in an instant. I think perhaps there’s an element of self preservation, not opening yourself up for that hurt again & personally I know I would never find anyone that knew me like him, that I could be myself with. I do miss being a couple though.
Take care & be happy, those who our left behind deserve to be happy