For some reason yesterday I got up as usual but from the word go I just cried. Every thought was going through my head. I did try to put some lively music on and think of other things, but had to turn it off in the end. This is two and a half years for me and nothing feels like it’s getting any better. I thought ‘well at least I’ll have to sort myself out for later when I pick my grandson up from nursery’, and then my son rang to say they didn’t need me after all. I was that choked up I could hardly speak, but just said ‘see you soon then’ and the crying continued. How hard is this empty life?! xx
Not quite a year yet for me but I can relate to the emotional roller coaster you describe. When part of a team we were important to that one person beyond description. I too have grandchildren and have to put on a front for them and that is what keeps me going. Since Monday have not seen them as they are visiting their other grandmother so have spent empty days by myself. I had hoped that my son might spend some time with me but of course football takes over their lives and he also needs time with his friends as he has suffered dreadfully since his dad died suddenly and in such tragic circumstances. I cannot begrudge him this little bit of distraction.
I need my husband so much - what I would do to just have him back with me for just a few moments.
Oh how hard life is! We all just want the one person we so sadly can’t have. I just felt so overwhelmed yesterday - today a bit better as later I will see my son, his wife, my daughter and two grandkids for tea. When they go though the head kicks back in. Very sadly the kids other nan is also suffering as she found her husband dead in the bathroom one morning in December - and even more tragic is that it was her birthday and she had just been reading some greetings cards. How cruel can life be?! I don’t know how she is coping (although I saw her two weeks ago and she seems to be not too bad (but we all know how to put an act on, don’t we?). I know your husband died suddenly in tragic circumstances - can’t even imagine how you have coped with that. I feel for you so much - at least I was with my husband when he passed. I was lucky (if you know what I mean) in that he held my hands, said he loved me, went to sleep and seemed to wake up and sit up very suddenly, then just died xx My thoughts and prayers are with you xxx
Yes we learn to put on an act whether it be to shield our family or because we know that the people we are talking to just cannot comprehend our suffering and it is best to try and prevent well intended comments that cause us so much more pain. I am sorry that the family has suffered such losses.
I spoke with my husband three hours before the crash never imagining what was to come later that day.
My thoughts and prayers are also with you and everyone else suffering the devastating loss of their loved one.
Hi Lesley,
I too had a day like you describe on Monday. Such overwhelming sadness and unable to see a point in anything. I had to visit the solicitor and it brought back such horrible memories of when my husband died suddenly 20 months ago and I had to go through probate. I feel officialdom reduces him to no more than a number or a case reference and i just wonder where our happy life disappeared to.
My two sons do their best to help and support me but when at work are understandably otherwise occupied. My husband did all the paperwork and it’s only now I realise how complicated running everything can be. That also makes me feel guilty as i now realise how much I took for granted. I so want him back here to tell him one more time how loved and appreciated he was and always will be.
I hope by empathising it helps you feel less alone even if it doesn’t solve the issue. Nothing unfortunately can do that. Xx
Dear sheila26,
Life really is a roller coaster. The ups and downs of grief are impossible to describe to the uninitiated. Before my husband died football and the conversation surrounding it was ever present in our house. Our younger son was back home temporarily and had managed to secure tickets for a European cup match at short notice. It was on the way home from that match that my husband collapsed and died in front of our son. They had called in for a drink to let the traffic subside and it was while whatsapping me to say what a great evening they had had that my husband lost consciousness. It happened the same way as the footballer who collapsed on the pitch recently but sadly my husband didn’t survive.
I too had spoken with my husband a few hours earlier and had no idea of what lay in store. During the match they had sent photos of their view of the pitch and I was delighted they were having such a great evening.
Yesterday I was talking with my neighbour who happened to mention that perhaps the excitement of the match had contributed to my husbands collapse. I have thought the same on many occasions but hearing it from someone else has more than unsettled me. If only the tickets had sold out.
Yesterday evening I so wished to be able to share in the excitement and escapism of the international match but for me football now has nothing but terrible associations. Watching the celebrations afterwards made me yearn for former times so much. I never joined in the camaraderie enjoyed by my husband and our younger son but I so loved watching their enthusiasm and sheer joy.
I would give everything I own to have that back. Everything.
Life for so many of us has been unbearably cruel and I too have no idea why and I am sorry so many of us suffer day in day out. Xx
Like you, my husband did the paperwork as he had more time whereas my job took up a lot of hours. I can do the paperwork but don’t know how I’m going to manage it all time wise when I am back at work. He looked after me so well, I hope he would feel that I looked after him too but I can’t help feeling I didn’t do a good enough job.
Dear Jobar, my husband died suddenly out on a run. My and my son got there too late - he was in the ambulance and they let us in to see him. I too keep thinking why didn’t I stop him going for a run, or suggest a walk or anything, anything that may have meant that he was still here. The place where he died is on my route to everywhere else in the village I live in so that’s difficult as well. I would give everything I own and more to have him back. I don’t see what my future is for any more.
Dear Jules4,
The reason you didn’t stop your husband running is that you saw no reason to stop him. Why would you? To all intents and purposes your husband was doing absolutely the right thing to stay fit. My husband also walked every day and was always very active. Ironically it was only discovered post mortem that he had a congenital malformation of a heart valve which had been contributing to the enlarging of his heart and damaging one part of it. Some of the exercise he did was absolutely contraindicated given this condition but it had never been discovered. Three weeks before he died he’d had a screening scan for aortic aneurysm offered to every man in his 65th year. This came back clear and he was delighted to have been given, in his own words, ‘a clean bill of health’. Ironically if the scan had covered the whole heart other than the small portion of the aorta in the abdomen just below the heart his condition would have been discovered and treated.
This morning on the news life expectancy figures were discussed. In theory everything was in my husbands favour to ensure a longer than average life span but fate was not on his side. Certainly at the age of just 50 and from how you have described your life together everything should also have been in your husbands favour but sadly it wasn’t. Whenever I rail against what I should or should not have done to protect my husband, our elder son always says ‘but mum you can’t account for random acts of fate’. It’s his way of course of protecting me from the madness which accompanies grief. Not completely successfully!
When I was still awaiting the post mortem results I literally didn’t have a moments peace and I know you are still waiting for the same. It is beyond agonising and leads to self doubt and accusation. I believe this could be prevented with a more humane system for dealing with the many questions sudden death throws at us.
What I do know is that our husbands were loved beyond measure and we know we would have done anything in our power to keep them living. It is the desperation of wanting them back which causes us to doubt ourselves and in my more rational moments I understand that. I’m sure in time you will too. Thinking of you and your ‘children’. Xx
I
Thank you so much - you understand the agony I’m going through. It’s been 14 weeks of waiting for the report. I am so sorry that they didn’t find your husband’s heart defect before he was taken from you, I am just hoping they don’t link any damage to my husband’s heart back to COVID as I gave him that before Christmas. He didn’t go anywhere, I had to go to work (with children) and I brought it back. I can’t begin to even think that I could have started a chain of events that led to this heartbreak for us all. Your words have made more difference to me than anything that friends and family have said. They have been great but they can’t fully understand. Thank you.
everything happened is fate. My wife had scan of heart arteries last year it was clear. She had sepsis Nov 2020 stayed in hospital for 1 1/2month every tests done OK before discharge. Sudden she passed because of aorta dissection. Perhaps there should have been things done to prevent the tragedy. But in hindsight we have done what reasonable people should have done.
But that won’t stop me from blaming myself won’t stop the guilt…
The best help I get is from other people who have also been widowed. They have some understanding of my loss and the massive changes we have to make moving from being a self supportive couple to being one loose bewildered soul. Many people are kind and supportive but this typically lasts for 3 months then these people melt away. I am trying to hone in on other people who need help or company, there are lots out there. Seven months and I still cry some time during each day. I think it’s important to let the tears flow. The family are not much help as their grief is of a different nature. We need to get together with other bereaved peep in our area for mutual support. Sadly all the organised groups are running scared because of Covid, just when we could do with support.
Best wishes to all
Tricia
Lesley, you and me both if that’s any comfort. I lost my lovely husband almost 2 and a half years ago too and for most of this week, out of the blue, I’ve been tearful.
It’s so hard isn’t it? I pull myself together and get on as best I can because I’m sure that’s what he would have wanted me to do. I miss him enormously though, I always will. Thinking of you.
What we wouldn’t give for a day or even just an hour with our loved ones. To say all the things that rattle round our heads day in, day out. So sadly that cannot be xx
Yes it is a comfort to know other people are suffering (gosh, don’t mean this to sound bad). As it is now two and a half years ago I think people just think we are ok now…never seeing us behind closed doors. I have no idea where that time has gone - it could be last week in some ways. Guess we just have to carry on (with a lot of pretence) and hope one day our lives will lighten a little, take care xx
I do think - as someone else on here commented recently - that the only people who truly understand are those who’ve been through the same.
I’ve been “dropped” too by people who I thought were friends. As you say, they probably think I’ve had time to get over it and get back to normal, or they just don’t know how to deal with it and it’s easier to say nothing.
We’re the ones who will end up being stronger though because we grit our teeth and carry on … with a lot of pretence, you’re right there!
Much of what you say and the replies resonate with my experience of widowhood.
I am coming up 8 years and whilst I have been on the rollercoaster a few times, I probably will never be able to get off it, we had known each other for 30 years and married for 27.
I still find keeping busy to be the best thing for me and I do plan my days ahead so that there are few empty days. The downside of this is when, for whatever reason, someone calls to cancel leaving me with an unexpected empty day. They probably don’t realise how much I was looking forward to whatever we had planned and that now my day is empty yet theirs goes on.
When Joyce passed away the grandchildren were quite young so I saw them often but now that they are grown up they have their own lives.
I coped and cope now by taking up new hobbies, gardening being one and, more due to covid than anything else, I now cycle, not many miles, 20 being the most I have cycled, but it gets me out, visiting new places and new experiences. Strange though, I do think of Joyce when I cycle and how she would have liked the coffee stops and cafes I visit when out.
Keep playing your music, I set up a playlist and would listen to it often.
I so relate to what you say about cancellations. I try to put a good positive vibe on, but when a cancellation happens, it floors me, i try so hard to keep busy,and all these catchups help me mentally and also give me structure …they may be quite trivia in their lifes, amd i dont mean that unkindly , but when you have lost your life partner, nothing is going to replace that, but it helps a bit to have a purpose.
I am so relieved in reading all your comments. I lost my husband a year ago after nursing him for 9 months and watching his terrible suffering. I was very unsupported because of Covid.
I too, have terrible days randomly and completely out of the blue. From waking up I cry and cry. Friends and family say I have coped well but I don’t like to worry them so put on a brave front. I keep wondering if I will ever feel normal again, I get very anxious over anything that breaks in the house. Repairs were his job.
For me, like John, I have taken up hobbies, I think it is about keeping busy and being distracted. I have started some Sue Ryder grievance counselling a couple of weeks ago and because it has made me think about my role in his passing I feel a little better. It is something I never thought I would need but 43 years is a long time to be married.
Like all of you, what I would do to have him back?
We all have each other on here, thank goodness and we know and understand what we are all fighting through.
Thanks for being there and hope you all have a reasonable day. Big hugs x
xx My thoughts and prayers are with you xxx