I went to a remembrance service on Sunday evening. This is an annual event hosted by the hospice that supported Christine and I during her illness. It was my second attendance. I knew it would be difficult. As before I was struck by the large number of people present. The road in front of the hospice is closed off for the duration in order to accommodate all the people. The ubiquity of death. As if there was any doubt. I did not talk to anyone. I lacked the will. Anyway, to say what precisely? I got home emotionally exhausted. Had a ready meal and went to bed with something on the TV. No idea what. Didn’t sleep exactly but did get some rest.
In the morning, as consciousness returned and my thoughts took form I once again was stunned to find that Christine was not next to me. I still cannot accept that Christine is dead. I don’t believe it. It is purely by an act of faith that I have some measure of comprehension that she is. Maybe belief will come at some point and then acceptance. I know today is going to be hard but I am feeling numb so in a sense it will be tolerable. But the numbness will fade.
I read through some of the latest postings and some of the longer threads. It does give me some comfort. As ever I am struck by the heartbreaking posts, many questioning how to carry on and why do so anyway? Personally I don’t see it as a “strength” to carry on. For me the “strength” is manifest in not committing suicide.
Living is imbued with its own inertia. The will to live is elemental, beneath the subconscious. Fundamental. Without it, any species would have been consigned to extinction in very short order I suspect. This inertia, the elemental will to live and the strength not to commit suicide is what I think is getting me through the days of my grief.
I walked up the road for a coffee. Grey skies, light penetrating mist of rain and of course cold. But fortunately a gentle breeze. I sat on my own in a crowded coffee shop and observed the life around me. There is life and there is “my life”. A membrane exists between us now. Sight and sound is transmitted but nothing else.
I walked back to my empty house. It’s not a home anymore. But the cats were very sweet and welcoming in as much as they wanted feeding.
I just felt I had to write this post. I like words and playing with language. But actually what I am trying to convey is how I am feeling. Visceral not cerebral.
Today I am the drowning dog in the masterpiece by Goya. Drowning in life, dragged under by currents of sadness and loss. There is no buoyancy to be found.
I hope that others who are feeling as I do today are managing to get through it. Somehow.
Today I am the drowning dog in the masterpiece by Goya. Drowning in life, dragged under by currents of sadness and loss. There is no buoyancy to be found.
Yet against our will we still rise to the surface knowing full well the pain that waits for us,for me it’s a form of cruelty because I know that I lack the strength to end my suffering so catch 22,and I have considered doing so twice.
The Dog looks up to the sky pleading for help,strangely enough we wouldn’t stand by and watch that kind of suffering but something stops us putting an end to ours.
Your post is quite something as it captures the suffering of every single person on this forum.
So viscerally you wrote, profoundly, many of us feel the deep despair… drowning dogs, and never thought that I would be one, yet here I am. These days, I begin to understand these vacuous expressions of those … single elderlies, all alone.
You are so right about this membrane that separates, likewise I have been feeling this all this time, from my early zombie days to now, I cannot shake it. It is the I and this alien planet. Why am I even here ? It feels as if all I wanted to do now has come to an end. I am ready to depart as well. Why would I want to go travelling, see places, if not to share with him ? People say it would be adventurous,… Why …ehh? I do not get it…then again I do not understand anything anymore.
I am very sorry about your day… not sure what can make it better … Yes, the primal will to live … perhaps just for another day. I have seen precisely this is so alive and well firing up everyone around me. but not I. I fail to see why and how they are content, happy to live another day… Perhaps I am loosing my marbles…And may be one day. we will be so tired of our sadness… that we find a way out, one way or another.
Furries are good for us, mine keep me alive… and remind me of my responsibility to her. And perhaps our pets are this one grace… God provides for us now.
Please take care of yourself… and thank you for your post…Hope your moments will become better soon…
Your words and the way you describe the pain is what I, and probably most people here are feeling now. Something in us makes us keep going. I’ve always been a positive and optimistic person and am hoping one day I will get some enjoyment back. At the moment I go along with the everyday life chores. Smile when smiled at, say I’m ok when asked. It’s so hard to get up everyday but my cat sits on my chest and paws my nose and the dog whines downstairs. So I get up and do what I’m supposed to do.
We have to. I hope you’re ok, thank you for sharing this.
They are all tough days. There feels no point in getting up in the mornings and I have no desire to sleep at night. The television is on much more than it should be but I’ve no idea what programmes have been shown. I eat because they tell me I must. I can’t remember what I ate today. Something from the freezer quickly cooked and eaten without tasting. I clean the house. I answer messages and deal with the bills.
Everything I do lacks purpose. I am filling in time …to no end. I have no reason to live any more and as each day moves me further away from the life I once had I find myself wondering if he ever even existed. Was he real. Was any of it real.
Yes i know what you mean ! After coming back from a busy holiday with my daughter and granddaughter i feel alone again … that’s cos i am ! Only shed a few tears today - just felt down as i remembered how nice it was when we came back from holiday together all these reminders of what a warm and cosy life we had … i hope i get that again one day. People do find new relationships . I hope i do tbh. I dont want to stay as a single person ! Its crap ! X
Welcome back to the cold! I hope you had a pleasing time away with your daughter and granddaughter. I think it is no surprise that you are feeling down upon your return. Hopefully you will pick up again in a little while.
Hi All.
I have not posted for a while. I have just returned home after visiting my son and his partner and coming back to an empty house was heartbreaking. I feel like I am staggering through every day at the moment. The sadness is so overwhelming it feels like I am sleepwalking. I just hope and pray that things get a little better. Love to you all on here. Xx
Yeh thanks . It feels rubbish being by yourself though … i hate it really after spending 5 days with my daughter and granddaughter and now back to being by myself ! Jeez does the agony ever end ? I was cross with my husband yesterday for going and leaving me by myself :we always had such good holidays together too xx
The same … sometimes i think im so fed up of feeling sad … be nice if something flipping nice happened for a change. Something that made me feel a bit happy again … i think i have forgotten what happy is because my world has been so shaken … i know one thing its very hard to be a widow … but then i never wanted him to go anyway … xxx
@Deb5 glad you had a good time. I can understand how you must have felt coming back to an empty house, it’s bad enough coming back after a couple of hours out.
And I’m sort of glad you shouted at him, because I’ve been doing that. I’m sure it’s a “stage of grief “, but that doesn’t help.
Yeh it is a stage of grief , my counsellor told me that … i am cross with him because u didnt want him to go and its made my life so hard now … im so many ways ! For example uesterdat the handle fell off my bedroom door and i had to find some plugs to screw it nack in ! Jeez ! Just what i meed when im unpacking ! He wouldve done that … when he was well xx
I am glad someone else feels like this. I can’t set the bloody central heating timer and I am really cross with him. I know it is illogical but he has left and now I have to deal with everything. It doesn’t help that I am still not sleeping. I miss him so much and I used to love going away with him now I find it quite stressful. Like everything else.
I am just being a bit of a misery at the moment.
I really feel for all of you. I am going through this angry with him time too. Then I feel guilty feeling that way. So many things going wrong, leaking radiators ,gutters needing clearing out as overflowing now outside overflow pipe is overflowing. In a lot of pain with my arthritis which dosn’t help and not sleeping very well either and the last few days I really cant believe he’s not here anymore.??? I’m having counselling and my counsellor says I am a very strong person as I’m dealing with things but I dont believe I’m strong I just have to get on with it while being in floods of tears.
Take care everyone.
Ann
. Very best wishes to you x
all these reminders of what a warm and cosy life we had … i hope i get that again one day. People do find new relationships . I hope i do tbh. I dont want to stay as a single person ! Its crap ! X