A Year and a Half Later

It’s 18 months for me today. I have to say I’m grateful to be here as I didn’t think I’d ever manage it and I never thought I’d be using the word grateful, ever!

I’m still unclear what direction I’m taking but i seem to be taking one regardless. I still have a waiting feeling, like something is supposed to happen but i think deep down I’m waiting for him. My brain hasn’t quite caught up with my reality. A new pattern of life is being created and in time that will take over the old pattern and my brain will adjust.

I still miss every essence of him and us. I miss having my person, I miss caring for him and having him care for me. I miss him checking in. I miss the security of knowing I had someone who loved me, warts and all.

I’m grateful the raw pain has gone, the intensity of those beginning months was unbearable. The brain fog is clearing, memories are getting sharper, I can finally smile at those memories.

I’m grateful for family and friends, old and new that keep me standing. It has literally been a life saver meeting people from this site. Who get it, don’t judge and nearly always feel the same as me and make me feel less stupid and less out of control.

But mostly I’m grateful for everything my man taught me and the love and time he gave me because I’m so much stronger for it and he would be so proud of me. He’d also be shocked that I listened and took things in :laughing:.

I can’t quite believe it’s already 18 months. Life moves on regardless, sometimes feeling very much that I’ve been dragged along but as time has gone on, I’ve managed to stand up and walk. I feel more confident and in control now, I feel I can make something of the life I have left.

For those just starting this journey, it’s such a hard road. It really can feel like it’s easier to give up but keep going, you are so much stronger than you think and things do get better.

Everyone’s journey is different as we all had different relationships and lengths of time together but love is love and to lose that is beyond comprehension. Losing your life plans and future together.

It will take time to learn to live with that, to learn new skills that you didn’t think you’d have to be doing. Give yourselves time and take your own journey, we are all different and you will do things when you are ready, your own way. It does get better.

Best wishes Ali.

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What an inspiring post you’ve written. Thank you for that. It would be an idea for new members to be directed to read this when they join this site, as none of us can see the light, however dim.
I hope that you can keep going forward, finding some kind of happiness on the way.

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Good morning @Ali29

Thank you so much for sharing :blush: it gives us all hope. Well done for surviving your journey and inspiring others.

Much love :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

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Ali thank you so much for sharing the possibility of a brighter future.
It has been an inspiration. I am still in those very early days of grief where giving up seems the favourable and only option. It has boosted me no end to read your post this morning. I will save your words separately so I can read them again when things get difficult which they invariably do at the moment.
Wishing you every happiness in the future and heartfelt thanks for your wise words :heart:xx

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Thankyou so much @Ali29 for sharing your reflections on your journey so far

It’s hard when you are early on in your grief to see how things could ever be better, but that’s what I keep looking for - some reassurance that I will manage to come out the other side and learn to live a different but good life.
I don’t want to just exist and my husband always wanted the best for me - I know it will never be as great as it was but I do want to find some joy and peace along the way.

I know it will take time and some hard work and lots of heartache along the way but at least you have given me some hope - and that’s maybe all I need at the moment.

May you continue to build your new life with love, happiness and peace and continue to find joy in living.
Xxx

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@roni52 @Katyh @jody @SadGirlfriend thank you for your comments. Its good to help others on this journey. Just remember everyone’s journey is different and we all get where we need to in our own time, however long it takes.

I’m glad I could share some positivity in these dark days x

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@Ali29 Perfectly put and exactly where I find myself now, same path, different journey. As you say it’s a long rough road but it can be walked, the people we meet on here mean we never have to walk it alone. Thanks for the company and keep on keeping on!

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Thank you from me too. Nearly 6 weeks for me and the thought of being like this forever is so frightening. You are an inspiration and thank you so much for caring enough to share

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My wife of 47 years died on 28th October 2022, so I am at 21 months now. I joined this site on 23rd January 2023 when the grief was all consuming. I wrote in my profile “I cry when I wake up and when I go to bed and often in between. The physical pain is awful.”

Many of you just joining this site will recognise these feelings.

The road since has been hard and I think everything that @Ali29 says is true for all of us, even though our journeys may take different turns and be at different speeds.

Do I still cry? Yes.

Is the physical pain still there? No.

Is grief all-consuming? No.

Is there another life being built around the grief? Yes.

What has had the greatest impact?

Firstly, re-establishing purpose. In my case, moving my son and daughter-in-law in with me and the birth of their son. This is bitter-sweet, the joy of new life stands alongside the sadness of my wife not being here to see it. The two do not cancel out. We experience both and recognising this is important to our learning to rebuild our lives.

Secondly, having support from family and friends and not being afraid to accept it. Very importantly, this includes friends I have met on this site and then in person who “get” what we are going through. You only really understand this journey if you are also on it. We can help each other on our individual down days and share some laughs and successes together.

Finally, it has been important to recognise that grief is not going anywhere and to allow it to ebb and flow and not hold it in. It is the price for the love we lost. Rather than trying to distract from grief, I have given it space in reflective ‘time outs’ so I can consider the thoughts grief throws at me and how they affect my emotions. This creates space for other aspects of life to grow.

Everyone is different, everyone will find their own way. Time itself is neutral, grief doesn’t heal because it is not an illness. It is how we use time that matters as we really do have to learn to live again and that is the best way for us to honour those we lost and no longer have that choice.

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@Mike75 as ever, wise words x

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@Mike75

Thank you for sharing :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

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Thanks @Mike75
It’s great you have been able to move forward and have the family to support you.

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Thank you so much - your post has given me so much hope and inspiration. I am almost 14 months in, although there are still some sad and losing the will to live moments but I can also resonate with some of the bright side of things that you said so hopefully, I will be (almost) where you are sometime soon…keeping my fingers crossed :crossed_fingers: :crossed_fingers:

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Thank you @Katyh @roni52 and @Angel1309 I hope you all find some peace on this unwanted journey.

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Nailed it, exactly how I feel 15mths on and it does give hope and reason to those at the start of this journey

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Aw bless you @Ali29 same amount of time as me ! Im 18 months into this too and what inspiring words you speak ! So true ! Well done xx

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Lovely words too and again so true !!! Xx

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Hi.
Thankyou @Mike75 , @LynT and @Ali29

Your words have given me hope that someday I’ll come to terms with the awful place I find myself in now.
I keep thinking I should be getting there. I’m 18 weeks into this horrendous journey now. In some ways I’m coping but the tears just keep coming
I just miss him so much and can’t believe he’s not coming back.
I know he’s not but my brain won’t have it.

Sorry to go on.
I will carry on in hope

Xx

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@Liro 18 weeks is still at the beginning of your journey, it is really no time at all. It will still be so raw for you so you are allowed to rant and you certainly have no need to apologise here, we’ve all been there and there’s no judgements.

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It’s way too soon on this journey for you to be even thinking this but you will arrive where we are but you do you, go at your own pace and feel what you feel, it’s all processing the loss and adjusting to it. I still have lows and think I always be but the key is acceptance and letting go, it takes time, strength, courage and wanting to arrive at a place of peace with it all. Remember to be kind to you and take it all as it comes

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