Time and again I find myself writing lengthy posts, then on reviewing what I have written before hitting the “Send” button, I just think “What’s the use ?” and scrap the entire thing.
Good morning Edwin. I wish you wouldn’t scrap your writing as I always feel it’s helpful to unburden ourselves and writing it down is a way of doing this. Also your written words may bring some comfort to others. I found the following quote in a book:
Intimately I write not knowing who receives the embrace of my feelings yet knowing as I unburden my heart I reaffirm the love that unites us all intimately.
Please keep posting Edwin. You write so well. Sending you love on this beautiful sunny day. Xx
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Hi Edwin I do that a lot … I write it out then think everyone has enough on there plates …but then when I do send the reply are the only thing that keep me going…so please tell your story or how u are feeling…were all here for you x
Lovely sunny day, yes. Makes such a difference to one’s state of mind. As I write this I am atop Sidbury Hill, highest point on Salisbury Plain, with our dogs.
Until 8 weeks ago I always said that I enjoyed this place whatever the weather, I just love the seasonal variety. Now, I want sunshine: driech weather tests my soul.
Michelleb I, too, have that feeling that others really have more than enough on their plates already. Some of the stories we’ve read here are gut wrenching. My own must either seem comparatively insignificant, or on the other hand might just be adding to the sense of gathering gloom. Why should I add to others, unhappiness ?
I feel myself to be deteriorating, and whilst I have been following the forum I am becoming less inclined to post. As I sit here now, I find myself wondering if I really will send this, or just bin it.
Family are good to me, and I am terribly keen to avoid worrying them, so this forum is the only real outlet for me, but for the reasons I have touched upon already, I am starting to feel increasing distant.
The dogs rely on me. Neighbours, when I see them, are generally kind, and I don’t look for fault in what they say or ask, even if they use the clichés that seem to annoy some other posters - the thought is what counts, and if people are gauche in their choice of expression then their words are twice bless’d, as it allows me the opportunity to forgive. Forgiveness is such a powerful thing.
If it weren’t for wanting to protect my family from further hurt, and for the dogs (who my dear wife loved, and wants me to protect and care for), well, there would be absolutely no point in trying to go on.
Here goes - hit that purple button or not . . . . . ?
Oh, how I hate uncorrectable typos !!!
58 days now, 58 long, lonely, empty, pointless, painful days
Hi Edwin. When I read your post I wanted to reply but wasn’t quite sure how. I guess the words you use don’t make too much of a difference but I hope that by you knowing that people, strangers no less, understand, that this may in some way help.
Feeling like a hollowed out version of the former you.
I’ve had a ‘ping’ moment this week…I’ve realised that keeping busy isn’t the answer…reality catches up. So, I’m taking a different course right now… I am allowing myself time to cry, look at old photos, go through my memory banks of the past ‘eras’, face my grief head on. Not filling every hour with Things To Do.
The plan is to feel strengthened to see a way forward…for my new life to encapsulate the previous life but not to be drowned by it.
Look for the glimpses of light Edwin, then look for some more. Don’t stop posting hrre. It’s tough…but you can do this. Share your thoughts here . …
Take care and keep walking the dogs…one day you’ll enjoy it as much as they do
Hi Crazy Kate. That poem resonated so well with me, thank you for sharing.
I too, find that sharing written thoughts with people who understand, is comforting. So pleased I found this site.
Annette
Good morning Annette. Your positive thinking is inspiring. I too keep busy but I agree we need to allow moments to grieve, moments to ponder and remember. I’m always looking at photos of my husband and sometimes they make me cry but sometimes they make me smile. I feel it’s ok to do both. Your post and thoughts are worded beautifully. Take heed Edwin, this lady speaks well. My best wishes to you both. Much love xx
I’m so glad you posted people really do care and like I said this forum is a life line well it has been for me …
Love
Michelle
Hi Crazy Kate. I think you’re right…you need both…the bittersweet memories and also keeping occupied. Somehow stumbling through the dark one step at a time. But with each bumbling step we are moving forward…I can’t imagine any of our lost darlings would want us to be constantly in despair.
Thanks for your reply.
Kee-eeep Posting
Dear Edwin
Don’t stop posting…I understand exactly what you are saying because many is the time I have replied hoping that my words might help and then sat berating myself that all I have done is add to grief’s weight! But both Kate and Annette have summed everything up…it’s not always the words but the fact that someone cares enough to reply that’s important and just possibly a new approach might help someone else’s thoughts! As for counting the days, I am now into the upper hundreds but each day counted is one less off the ultimate total and I think each one is a victory (albeit a hollow one) because we have breathed through it.
I often wonder how Barry would have coped had our roles been reversed. …in many ways you epitomise my thoughts as I imagine him and our dogs caring for each other and see him trying to hold his head up in spite of it all. Your wife would be so proud of you.
Take care…post as and when…x
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Hello all. I have just written a journal entry - I don’t write in it every single day but generally a few times a week. I am now on day 505 AD (after David) so I fully understand about counting the days. I appreciate your positive response Amelie’sgran with regards each day counted being one off ultimate total. I find it’s positivity I’m looking for now rather than being weighed down by grief. Not that I want the grief to go away, it can never do that. Grief is for life. Sometimes though the grief becomes so heavy, I can barely move so some positive thoughts are a massive help. Thanks everyone. Xx
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So agreed Annette. It is 6 months today since Brian passed. 54 years is a lifetime and whilst I grieve, particularly at the weekend I keep myself busy because I dont know what else to do. I am in the process of moving to a retirement village, stressful in itself. I tell myself it will be a new start but not sure how I’ll be. Sometimes it feels like I’m a child again seeking approval that I’m doing the right thing so he should come back. I guess it is back to denial.x
I so agree with Anne Mary with regards to looking for approval. I look for my husband’s approval in everything I do. We had so many plans as in home improvements and I’ve tried to go on with them because they were our plans, mine and David’s plans. If I’ve done something we hadn’t planned together (and I have) then I ask myself over and over ‘would David approve of me doing this?’ I had to sell the cars (we had 6!) - I couldn’t possibly keep them and they were messing with my head. David was car mad so very sad to get rid of them. Would he approve? I think so, I hope so…
Love to you all x
Hi Anne Mary. Thinking of you on this day. My husband died 6 months also - 12 days ago was the day. It seems like so much longer but it is no time really to adjust and cope. You had been together for such a long time… precious memories.
I also will be moving soon. Have spent four months going through all of our stuff as the house sold the day before Rod died - while I was overseas! It has been a nightmare on top of the grief and shock. Going through everything is hard but also familiarly comforting.
I know how you feel wondering whether you’re making a right decision. I feel the same.
Think it through… …consider the plus points and the cons. Sleep on it and don’t rush into making a decision…you’ll know if it feels right
I can see that retirement communities aren’t for everyone but they are just that. A community which can be supportive if you want that.
Hope that you’ll get the right vibes soon. Meanwhile take care
Annette
Sooooo nice to know someone else also had a load of cars to get rid of! I only had four! Three down, just my old one to go!
I too felt sad when I saw my husband’s last car go to its new home.
Fact is, reality check, I don’t need four cars, I don’t need my old car either, and it is more stuff to add to what has to be done.
Yes, house renovation coming up for me…that’s going to be interesting and a challenge, as Rod was the DIY officianado…I just painted! At that, much paint ended up on me.
So ladies and gents… we cry, we miss, we grieve, we love, we keep memories as blessings close to our hearts as we face the next hour, the next day, the next hurdle.
We can do this. We are doing this. Xx
A big thumbs up Annette. You have helped me today with being positive. Thank you and thanks to everyone for your thoughts and comments today. To reiterate Annette - we can do this, we are doing this! Xx
Whilst on the subject of being positive and at the risk of going on, I have just re-read the following:
My loved one died. That was a moment of time. But more important, my loved one lived…